Even More Determined!

Posted in Infertility by

So here’s a prime example of why I am so desperate to get onto birth control. My mind needs a rest and its for this exact reason….

This is my first cycle post miscarriage, so its somewhat wonky and a bit out of whack. On CD14 I got EWCM, a sure sign that ovulation would occur within the next 24 hours. Of course, what happened exactly 24 hours later? W returned from his two week business trip to Sweden, so its not a far stretch of the imagination to know what we did???? Right???

Of course, now I’m on CD22 today. Which means that I have all those post ovulation/early preg/PMS symptoms.  And so where to do you think my mind has wandered to? Of course you know! After 7 and a half years of doing, its such a habit I can’t stop it. I have all of those what if thoughts floating around in my head? What if I’m pg? What if I truly am Legend? Go on pee on a stick! You know you want to!!!

This is exactly what I need a break from. My mind needs a rest from this thing that is my reproductive system and cycle. Because while my body continues to show signs that all is working is it should be, my mind knows that somewhere there is a problem. Somewhere something is going wrong so despite my body trying to trick it in to believing otherwise.

I’m so sick of this damn internal dialogue. I’m so sick and tired of the same old thoughts in my head. The only way to stop it is to shut down my reproductive system so my mind will know that my body cannot trick it into believing or thinking anything. These thoughts are exhausting! I hate them! I need a break from them! I want a break from them!

I don’t believe in Legend!!!!!!

November 12, 2009
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11 Comments

  • Reply Abs

    Being on BC does quieten that internal dialogue that makes peace of mind so elusive. The ‘could I be’, ‘am I’, ‘what cycle day is it’ questions will stop and it will give you time to grieve properly. Even if it’s only for a month or two. It will do your mind and soul some good I think.((HUGS))

    November 12, 2009 at 9:40 am
  • Reply Dee

    One + for PCOS is you dont often ovulate and cycles are never the same length. I often so wish for a normal cycle but now I can see it also could be a pain. Go onto some BCP’s as soon as AF arrives, Im sure that will give you a break from all this crazyness.

    November 12, 2009 at 10:00 am
  • Reply SCY

    The internal dialogue gets old really quickly – even with PCOS I still think to myself – we had sex maybe just maybe I *actually* ovulated and it happened… of course with me I never got AF to break the internal dialogue and had to ensure 100+ days of internal torture before I got wise.

    Hope you get some BCP’s soon to give your mind a break my friend.

    xxx

    November 12, 2009 at 10:54 am
  • Reply Adel

    I so know the feeling. Even though I have never gotten pregnant naturally – the thought that I might be pregnant when AF is late goes through my mind and I hate it! Because, really, what has changed – NOTHING!! But the mind is a powerful thing.

    So BC is maybe a good idea, just to get your mind off the subject (hehe).

    Good luck!

    November 12, 2009 at 12:15 pm
  • Reply Mash

    Sorry to be such a stick in the mud, but I find BCP’s mess with my emotions. I didn’t realise how bad it was until I stopped taking them. Of course that may not be the case with you, but there is no way under the sun that I would ever go near those damn things again!

    November 12, 2009 at 1:40 pm
  • Reply K

    I’m on the mirena and last night I thought I felt myself ovulating and wondered.. what if etc etc.. how pathetic is that! 🙂

    November 12, 2009 at 2:31 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    Lots of {{{hugs}}}

    November 12, 2009 at 3:04 pm
  • Reply WiseGuy

    Yes, I too think going on the BCP will quieten the inner demons a bit…this is too much to handle right now.

    Take Care.

    November 12, 2009 at 3:37 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    Sending you hugs and hoping you’ll soon get a much-needed break from such an exhausting cycle of month-to-month waiting and wondering.

    November 12, 2009 at 10:10 pm
  • Reply Lea White

    Sending lots of hugs.

    November 12, 2009 at 10:26 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Oh boy! That sounds soooo familliar, it’s for exactly that reason I went onto BCP’s! I couln’t stop wondering and worst of all hoping, even though I knew I never wanted to be pregnant again, TTC is indeed a very difficult habit to break. I have a lot more peace now that I know there’s no chance of falling pregnant. I wish the same peace of mind for you.

    November 13, 2009 at 7:51 am
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