Yesterday, as I was driving home from work, singing along to the radio with a smile on my face, I realized that the feeling I was experiencing as more than just happiness, it was contentment. I was thinking about my life, about all the exciting plans we have for the next year and the events we’re planning with friends. I was/am genuinely happy and feeling quite satisfied. Of course, this immediately let me to start over analyzing how I was feeling and that familiar question again reared its unanswered head……..
Do I really want to interfere with the balance in my life and add a child to the mix? And for the first time, I had a moment of clarity, or at least, I think it was clarity and I think I may finally have the answer I’ve been searching for. It dawned on me that part of the reason why W and I have such an active, fulfilled life is because we’re very active socially and our involvement is mostly with other couples also battling infertility. So they also have similar lifestyles to us, they can also pack up and go on a weekend away on a whim, we can at the last minute decide to go out for dinner without worrying about babysitters or considering children etc. But this will change, sooner or later, these people will start to win their battle against infertility and the happy balance that I am currently enjoying in my life will shift and change and how happy will I be then?
Last week I did a posting titled: Am I Able and somebody commented on our ability to be happy with what we have now. At the time I didn’t fully understand this statement, but I think I do now. I think my feelings of contentment and happiness have to do with my ability to enjoy life as it is now. But a future surrounded by friends and friends children while we remain childfree is not a future I want to consider, I want to be a Mom, I want to be like all my other friends, I want to share in that experience and be able to relate to that experience with all the friends I have now.
Does this mean I’m excited to start my FET? Hell No! Do I want to dive right back in and start trying? Definitely not! But at some point in the near future, I will be ready to start trying again and it will be because I DO want to be a mother, I DO want to have a child and I DON’T want to live childfree.