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Feeling Deflated

After the elation over the weekend of achieving my first weight loss goal and on taking another step towards starting my next IVF by going for a pap smear on Monday, I’ve hit a total downer. I guess it has something to do with sitting in front of the IVF Co-ordinator and watching as she added up my “plan”. Gulp! R36 000! Oh man oh man! I hate that we have to spend so much money on what so many people get for free. I’ve been feeling really tearful and depressed since then and suddenly not so excited at all. There are about a million things I’d rather be doing with that money, not to mention that we’re still a few thousand short in the savings department. Its really a grudge purchase too, like buying insurance, except there’s no insurance, no guarantee with this. There are so many pass fail points along the way, there’s not even a guarantee we make it to transfer. With my previous IVF’s I’ve never even made it to test day, I’ve not even gotten to live with the glimmer of hope, of a maybe. I’ve had one IVF cancelled straight after retrieval due to no fertilization (that was like the most gigantic kick in the nads imaginable) and my other two IVF’s all ended with bleeding at least 5 days before test day.

But in attempt to find a silver lining, there was something that made me smile this morning!

 

W has to go this week for a full Hepatitis and HIV screening as he hasn’t had one done at this clinic yet and then ………… tadadadah!!!!!!!!!! Heheheh!! He has to go for another semen analysis. Wicked to find this funny I know, but it feels like at least all the pressure and pricking and poking and prodding and humiliation doesn’t fall squarely at my feet. At least he gets to have some of it. We’ll make his appointment for his SA next week, lucky bum gets to do it at home and then race it like precious cargo to the clinic, but I do plan to make it a bit uncomfortable by standing outside the locked bedroom door calling him a little wanker or asking him if he’s done yet!! hehehe

littledevil

Fair is fair right?

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12 Comments

  • Reply Monica L.

    heh heh heh! very appropriate graphic!

    January 20, 2009 at 7:10 am
  • Reply WiseGuy

    LOLOL@the SA thing!

    Yeps, IVF drains ‘all’ resources and judiciously so!

    January 20, 2009 at 7:20 am
  • Reply charne

    o Shaz you make me laugh!! hehehe i can just imagine u making fun of W

    xxx

    January 20, 2009 at 8:15 am
  • Reply Lea White

    There was a little boy named Charlie who bought a Wonka Bar when he thought all the golden tickets were gone and he won a golden ticket and in the end the grand prize. I pray that this will be your golden ticket!!!

    January 20, 2009 at 8:18 am
  • Reply dee

    Ive stopped looking at the sums. Afterall money is replaceable, you cant take money with you when you die and if you have it saved up already its a tiny bit better. But yes, there is no guarantee which sucks.

    Shame on you!! 🙂 My DH would absolutely disown me if I did that. I remember for our first SA I wanted to be “involved” and that was just a disaster with trying to aim into a cup!!

    January 20, 2009 at 8:50 am
  • Reply Abbey

    I know how you feel Shaz. IVF is so bloody freakin expensive and their really are no guarantees at all. Does Vitalab publish their success rates by any chance? All that money and so few people seem to get their BFP’s…God I hope I’m wrong here for both our sakes. Surely if it didn’t have as high a success rate as it’s rumoured to have then so many people and doctors would not resort to it? Maybe it’s just me looking at it all from the eyes of a seriously bitter, cynical and resentful woman who’s had her fair share of ivf “kicks in the gonads!” I know exactly how you are feeling. It’s so scary when it comes time to commit all that money. I really pray that this will be your lucky number. Why should it not happen to you…there are no statistics to say who will win and who will loose so you have just as much chance as anyone. I am holding thumbs and toes and everything for you! You’ve started the ball rolling now so just let the momentum carry you through. It’s not going to be easy but you can do this! I beleive in you Shaz and I know you deserve your happy ending.

    XOX Abbey

    January 20, 2009 at 10:15 am
  • Reply samcy

    Sorry you’re feeling deflated hon! I am praying that you don’t have to pay for an IVF 🙂

    And poor W – I can’t believe you call him a wanker while he’s trying to produce a sample!!!

    xxx

    January 20, 2009 at 12:21 pm
  • Reply 'Murgdan'

    Oh so E.v.i.l.
    I can only imagine what this must be like after experiencing failed cycles and RPL. I can only imagine it must be hard as HELL. I’m with you, just holding your hand.

    Well, as you know, though I’ve never DONE it before, I’m still really reluctant to get started. Would love to cycle WITH you, but we’re actually planning May…

    January 20, 2009 at 12:43 pm
  • Reply Leigh from 123 blog

    The money IS crazy, isn’t it? I asked Noleen why she charged me R670 when my sheet said R545 for the scan and she said prices go up in Jan. I’m so glad our second IVF worked.

    Ours are R40 000 each because of ICSI and I’ve had 2. I wonder what ours would cost this year (I’m weird like that – I like to know the numbers :))

    New year and all that – hoping this is your year too!

    January 20, 2009 at 12:45 pm
  • Reply peanuttam

    Oh my word, Frank would throw the bottle at me and not produce the sample, I could NEVER do that!! You are e.v.i.l I tell ya!!

    I know how you feel Shaz, I hate the thought of even having to go down that road again and maybe i’m hiding by not doing it because right now the thought of it makes me sick – that and the fact that I still don’t believe that it will work – I think it’s normal to be scared of it – afterall – we haven’t had much success in that department! You’ll get thru it sweetie, one day at a time and we’ll be right here with you.

    May this be YOUR year, I’m praying too!!!

    January 20, 2009 at 1:08 pm
  • Reply Michelle

    Shaz – I know exaclty how you feel about ALL that money – there are certainly a million other things I would rather have spent it on than Zift. But I can tell you when you get your BFP it makes every cent worthwhile.
    Poor W – I hope he can produce somehting with you teasing him from outside the door. Hehehe – Allan would just tell me kindly to go away……..

    January 20, 2009 at 1:23 pm
  • Reply Yvonne

    Geez Shaz those are some frightening numbers!
    I’m with you that it’s completely unfair BUT I promise you that you won’t care about it anymore once your baby is in your arms.
    I pray that this will the time.
    I so, so hope for you that all will go well!!!!!!!!!!
    xx

    January 20, 2009 at 11:13 pm
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