I’ve been noticing a distinct trend amongst a large portion of my fellow blog land buds over the past couple of days. It would seem that a large percentage of us are having the festive season blues. It got me thinking about why this time of year is so difficult for so many of us. Now I can’t speak for everyone, but there are a distinct number of reasons why I usually feel a little bit down in the dumps over this period.
For starters, I’m tired, its been a hectic year for me. The company I work for has literally tripled its turnover in the past three year, the bulk of the growth coming from the last year. As the most senior and experienced member of our sales team, there is a lot of pressure on me to perform and excel. In addition, I’m often asked to jump in and help with guidance and advice for the less experienced or more junior members of our team. There’s a hell of a lot of pressure on me, not just from the company, but pressure I put on myself as well. If I think back to when I first started this job more than 3 and a half years ago, I can’t believe how far I’ve come. Its little wonder that my last natural pregnancy was 2 years ago, if stress is playing a part in my ability to fall pregnant, the hell yes, my stress levels have tripled along with the company growth. So by this time of year, I’m exhausted. Its also our busy period, so there’s a lot of extra pressure over and above the norm and I’m putting in lots of extra hours of work.
Then there is the realization that yet another year is drawing to a close and STILL I’m not closer to achieving my dream of motherhood. Another year older, another year wiser, another year a lot tougher, but another year motherless. By the 16thDecember I will be exactly 36.5 years old and realistically I know my best child bearing years are gone, I know that time is starting to run out, I know that with every year that passes my fertility lessens and lessens. In terms of treatment, this year has been a fairly easy year for me, a good break after the manic pace set for myself last year with all the treatments. I’m sure its done my body well, I certainy know I’ve been healthier this year than I was the year before.
Then there is the Christmas shopping. Oh how I hate shopping for my niece and nephews. For starters, I realize just how out of touch I am with what my nieces and nephews like and want. I don’t have a child, so I don’t have a clue. I always have to phone and ask about what to get for them. Then when we arrive at the toy shop I spend hours agonizing over every detail of the gift. As an example, last year my gorgeous niece, Sara wanted a Bratz doll. For starters I almost fainted when I saw that the big dolls were R500!!!! So we decided on the medium sized doll. But then, oh my heavens all the choices?? Bratzdoll with a doggie parlour, Bratzdoll with a hair salon, Rock Star Bratzdoll, the list is endless. All any of this does is make me feel even more inadequate, even more out of touch with what is going on in the lives of “normal” people my age. Of course all the excited children running around the toy shops simply make my heart ache even more. Reminds me about how just a year before I stood in the same toy shop and thought to myself: “Maybe this time next year I’ll have a baby or be pregnant and buying for our own child”.
Of course, Christmas is a time for family and its especially designed for children which is always such a painful reminder of what I want so badly but just seem to fail to miserably at achieving.
The other issue of course is that most of the fertility clinicsstart to wind down slightly for the holiday period, so usually there’s not much happening on the treatment front and with no treatment, well there just isn’t much hope of getting pregnant now is there?
This December I’m going to have to watch myself and be as healthy as possible. I’ll probably be starting birth control pills around mid December to put my ovaries into a state of rest before the big push for loads of eggs in January. I’ll need to take care of myself and mentally and physically prepare myself for the work my body will do in January. It saddens me a bit to think that at a time when most people are just gearing up for a New Year, myself and so many of my IF buds will be pushing our bodies so hard in the hope of achieving the unattainable.
Lastly, I just know that New Years Eve will be spent thinking……. Perhaps this year will be my year, maybe 2009 will be the year for me. God knows its about time, I’ve spent every year for the past 6 years having that thought and so far I’ve landed up heading into December of that year, battered, bruised and saddened by the realization that that was not the year for me.