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Festitve Season Blues?

I’ve been noticing a distinct trend amongst a large portion of my fellow blog land buds over the past couple of days. It would seem that a large percentage of us are having the festive season blues. It got me thinking about why this time of year is so difficult for so many of us. Now I can’t speak for everyone, but there are a distinct number of reasons why I usually feel a little bit down in the dumps over this period.

For starters, I’m tired, its been a hectic year for me. The company I work for has literally tripled its turnover in the past three year, the bulk of the growth coming from the last year. As the most senior and experienced member of our sales team, there is a lot of pressure on me to perform and excel. In addition, I’m often asked to jump in and help with guidance and advice for the less experienced or more junior members of our team. There’s a hell of a lot of pressure on me, not just from the company, but pressure I put on myself as well. If I think back to when I first started this job more than 3 and a half years ago, I can’t believe how far I’ve come. Its little wonder that my last natural pregnancy was 2 years ago, if stress is playing a part in my ability to fall pregnant, the hell yes, my stress levels have tripled along with the company growth. So by this time of year, I’m exhausted. Its also our busy period, so there’s a lot of extra pressure over and above the norm and I’m putting in lots of extra hours of work.

Then there is the realization that yet another year is drawing to a close and STILL I’m not closer to achieving my dream of motherhood. Another year older, another year wiser, another year a lot tougher, but another year motherless. By the 16thDecember I will be exactly 36.5 years old and realistically I know my best child bearing years are gone, I know that time is starting to run out, I know that with every year that passes my fertility lessens and lessens. In terms of treatment, this year has been a fairly easy year for me, a good break after the manic pace set for myself last year with all the treatments. I’m sure its done my body well, I certainy know I’ve been healthier this year than I was the year before.

Then there is the Christmas shopping. Oh how I hate shopping for my niece and nephews. For starters, I realize just how out of touch I am with what my nieces and nephews like and want. I don’t have a child, so I don’t have a clue. I always have to phone and ask about what to get for them. Then when we arrive at the toy shop I spend hours agonizing over every detail of the gift. As an example, last year my gorgeous niece, Sara wanted a Bratz doll. For starters I almost fainted when I saw that the big dolls were R500!!!! So we decided on the medium sized doll. But then, oh my heavens all the choices?? Bratzdoll with a doggie parlour, Bratzdoll with a hair salon, Rock Star Bratzdoll, the list is endless. All any of this does is make me feel even more inadequate, even more out of touch with what is going on in the lives of “normal” people my age. Of course all the excited children running around the toy shops simply make my heart ache even more. Reminds me about how just a year before I stood in the same toy shop and thought to myself: “Maybe this time next year I’ll have a baby or be pregnant and buying for our own child”.

Of course, Christmas is a time for family and its especially designed for children which is always such a painful reminder of what I want so badly but just seem to fail to miserably at achieving.

The other issue of course is that most of the fertility clinicsstart to wind down slightly for the holiday period, so usually there’s not much happening on the treatment front and with no treatment, well there just isn’t much hope of getting pregnant now is there?

This December I’m going to have to watch myself and be as healthy as possible. I’ll probably be starting birth control pills around mid December to put my ovaries into a state of rest before the big push for loads of eggs in January. I’ll need to take care of myself and mentally and physically prepare myself for the work my body will do in January. It saddens me a bit to think that at a time when most people are just gearing up for a New Year, myself and so many of my IF buds will be pushing our bodies so hard in the hope of achieving the unattainable.

Lastly, I just know that New Years Eve will be spent thinking……. Perhaps this year will be my year, maybe 2009 will be the year for me. God knows its about time, I’ve spent every year for the past 6 years having that thought and so far I’ve landed up heading into December of that year, battered, bruised and saddened by the realization that that was not the year for me.

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11 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    This year I’ll say a special prayer for you that 2009 will most definitely be yours!

    November 12, 2008 at 9:33 am
  • Reply samcy

    100%! This is the hardest time of year for me as well… BUT this year I’ve made a concerted effort to tell myself that I’m not putting undue pressure on 2009 to be anything but a good year. Of course I’m hoping that it yields a pregnancy and live child(ren) but I’m not expecting it to. 2008 was supposed to be my year of babies and it was not – looking back I know see that I put way to much store in the year and ruined it for myself.

    Thinking of you!

    Lots of love
    SAm
    xxx

    November 12, 2008 at 9:53 am
  • Reply Amanda

    Hey Sharon, what I’ve been doing since about 2 years ago, is to not make new year’s resolutions or say that this year will be better/different, it puts a huge strain on oneself to fulfill that, and I ended up very dissapointed, so now I just take it as it comes. Enjoy what you can, and reject what you can’t. Before you know it, Jan will be here and you can carry on with your plans.

    November 12, 2008 at 10:10 am
  • Reply Murgdan

    I think the hardest thing for me that has already started is being invited to all the family functions (of my own and others) that I have NO desire to attend because I know I’ll be met with a barrage of ‘foot in mouth’ comments about our ‘not having kids yet’…..my family doesn’t know much, but there is a reason, as they completely don’t GET it.

    I’m already dreading Thanksgiving, I haven’t even gotten close to thinking about Christmas. Ugh. And my husband is going home for a month so I’ll be here by myself (can’t take off a month to leave the country like he can). Dreading it.

    November 12, 2008 at 12:22 pm
  • Reply Tam

    We so hear you, I can’t wait to see this year behind us, it’s been a shite one for sure!!

    It’s really a sad and hard time for all of us but we’ll get thru it and we’ll continue to hope and pray that this next year will be the one for us!!

    Much love and big hugs xxx

    November 12, 2008 at 12:23 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    Crossing all my fingers and toes that 2009 will be the year for us both.

    (HUGS)

    November 12, 2008 at 7:40 pm
  • Reply nicole

    You don’t know me but i follow another website and you were tagged on it. I too followed the path you did and after miscarriages, one in my 7 th month, my Husband and I adopted two gorgeous girls. Just the light of our lives, they are 11 and 8 now, so lots of time has passed and that has healed many of the wounds. I wish you well and will be saying a prayer for you. Time is so slow now but once you have your family it will fly. Take control as much as you can, it does help and take the time to care for yourself, reflexology, flower essences. Give back to yourself. Be well and mostly be strong and beleive in the good that is there. Life may not go exactly as you planned but you have options.

    November 12, 2008 at 11:22 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Well said! Tired, bruised and deflated. I’m not putting all my hopes on 2009. I just want to grow and learn.

    November 13, 2008 at 12:25 am
  • Reply monica lemoine

    Yes, I’ve been feeling a bit on the el crappo side lately. I think there’s something about the holidays that must makes me want to curl up with a whiskey-and-hot-chocolate and have a good cry.

    November 13, 2008 at 6:16 am
  • Reply dee

    So true, Dec is such a crap month.

    November 13, 2008 at 2:09 pm
  • Reply Jubilee

    Sharon, You are so AWESOME! I appreciate your posts, and I will continue to check back. So Awesome! Now let me share my story. *smile* ;-p

    I have been TTC for maybe the last 2-3 months, however not to the extent that you have. I found out that I can not get there the normal BD way, because my uterus is tilted, and my CP is right beneath the pelvic bone. So, All of the hard work that my DH put in goes into an empty space, where the normal CP should be. Different positions with my DH will still result in it missing the opportunity of the canal travel. So, what I have done last week was used an Instead Cup(these have not been FDA approved as a method of conception). My thoughts are, it would be a way for my DH’s pool to meet the CM and travel. I have been tracking my BBT, and is still following when the best time for my DH and I to perform the BD. Well, we did perform the BD the night before I had a messy egg whitish CM! Right after, we put the cup on, the next morning when I removed it, the messy egg whitish CM was sitting in my DH’s pool. So, now I am crossing thy fingers because he’s really wanting a new addition, and I am really wanting to beat 34. There should have been more than several times where I should have had a BFP, but it has never happened. So, I started investigating. I got the blood tests and everything checked out okay. I do however have small fibroids, which does not affect my chances of getting the BFP. So, I will be back to share my stories, especially after using the instead cup… We shall see.

    Being positive, and thinking positive really works! You have to have someone that is willing to be positive with you. So, you and your significant other will have to believe and keep everything positive, and guess what, you will be surrounded with all the things you want and desire! I have faith in you!

    Remember “thoughts becomes things!” Something you can start doing, is keeping a thankful journal, expressing all the things you are thankful for now. Anything that you are looking for in the future, I would include those as if they were in the present tense. You would do that everyday, as you are typing this journal. An example, “I am thankful for my life”, “I am grateful for the friends that I have.” “I am grateful and thankful for my children.” This will help you get into that positive mode of thankfulness. I’m with you darling!!!

    November 17, 2008 at 2:26 am
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