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Finally Some Good News

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04h45 alarm goes off, I shower, while holding a debate in my head over the pro’s and con’s of tampons versus pads for a CD3 internal scan in the midst of a raging chemical pregnancy period. I dress in my scan pants and shoes – easy access pants, no buttons, no zips, just yank em straight off, and flip flops so there’s no chance of being caught with my naked arse in the air as I attempt to climb onto the impossibly high bed with the pillow strategically placed under my butt.

Ready set go.

Off to the clinic with the usual thoughts in my head, do I need the loo, is my bladder empty enough for the scan. Dr G comes into the scan room, we chat while he scans. Did I ever tell you how much I love this RE? He’s like a real living breathing person in comparison to my previous RE. I ask Dr G about the results of my pap – all normal. This is fantastic news as I haven’t had a pap smear in over 4 yars as I was too terrified to ask my previous RE for one. I ask Dr G about the study material I sent him re. the use of Viagra suppositories for the treatment of NKC (Natural Killer Cells). He laughs, tells me its a very outdated study. Then he tells me the best news of all. I won’t need IVIg for the treatment of the NKC. There’s a new treatment that they’re offering, one of the only clinics in SA to do so. Its a treatment of Intrelipids. Basically a Soy Protein Tablet that costs a tiny fraction of the price of IVIg. Its normally used for terminally ill patients and also for people in intensive care who’re unable to eat. It will drop my suspected overactive NKC count down to about zero for the duration of the IVF giving my embryo’s the best chance at survival. YAY!!!!!!!

Then I ask if W’s semen analysis results are in. He nods yes, tells me W is certifiable “dangerous”, his words not mine. He has a sperm count to rival a horny bull, 480 million per ml to be precise, 10x the average, with a morphology of 10% this will gives ups approximately 16 million healthy sperm per egg for fertilization in the IVF, these odds are apparently very good, way above average. Now I feel like shit! If W had picked anybody else as his wife, he wouldn’t have to go through all this kak. His SA results are just another reminder of how the blame/fault/reason for all our miscarriages, all the money spent on treatment, all the misery lies squarely at my feet.

I get in the car, swallow my first birth control pill as part of the down regulation phase of my IVF, althought a weight has been lifted, I still have a heavy burden of blame on my heart. I cry all the way to work.

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16 Comments

  • Reply Elize

    Stunning news Sharon! I’m so happy you finally received some good news.

    February 6, 2009 at 9:41 am
  • Reply Amanda

    Good news all round Sharon, that is just amazing!! No-one is to blame for infertility, if he chose any other wife he would have been seriously unhappy!! Soul mates babe!!

    February 6, 2009 at 9:44 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I’m so glad you are off to a good start.

    Hugs to you both!!!

    February 6, 2009 at 10:21 am
  • Reply skrambled

    Very good news Sharon! I am holding thumbs for you.

    February 6, 2009 at 10:37 am
  • Reply janin

    wooohooooo!! Im so freakin excited for you!! and W chose you cos youre perfect for him so stop it now! awesome news yay!

    February 6, 2009 at 10:52 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    W doesn’t want another wife! He only wants you! IF is nobody’s fault. ((((Hugs))))

    February 6, 2009 at 1:07 pm
  • Reply 'Murgdan'

    Congrats on getting started! And as the ‘fertile’ member of my marriage, I can honestly tell you it is sooooo not about blame or wanting another spouse. I know you KNOW that…and can’t help thinking it…but he doesn’t want anyone else, Shaz. This is just OUR journey…the cards we’ve been dealt. All we can do is face it and move forward. So happy you’re moving forward. (hugs)

    February 6, 2009 at 1:27 pm
  • Reply Yvonne

    Wonderful news Shaz, so glad things are looking up!!! I guess there’s not much use in telling you not to feel guilty, but you really shouldn’t. Firstly W didn’t marry you just to be a baby machine. He wanted YOU, just the way you are. Secondly you’re suffering just as much, all if this is out of your control and it’s not anybody’s fault. It’s life. Hugs, and so glad things are looking good!!!
    xxx

    February 6, 2009 at 1:36 pm
  • Reply samcy

    Great news that you won;t need IVIG – huge weight lifted off your shoulders there…

    NOW! Stop the nonsense about W and him having chosen another wife – he did not he chose you and he loves you – NO MATTER WHAT… You’re in this together!

    Wishing you all the best for down regulation!

    xxx

    February 6, 2009 at 1:51 pm
  • Reply Marina

    Hi Sharon, so happy to hear you got some good news for a change. Have a good weekend!

    February 6, 2009 at 2:07 pm
  • Reply Shalini White

    mate, that is good news indeed!!
    as 50% of the infertile half (but feel like 90% of the infertile half – at least DH was fertile once!!), it feels horrid. Especially when its something you so badly want.
    The thought that helps me out when my mind goes down the blame game track is… infertility is NOT a choice. IF is something the COUPLE faces, not just the infertile partner.
    I’m sure your hubby thinks the same way!
    xx

    February 6, 2009 at 2:44 pm
  • Reply Abbey

    Some good news at last. I’m so happy for you Sharon. Dr G is going to take excellent care of you, I just know it! Hooray for Soy tablets!

    xox Abbey

    February 6, 2009 at 4:49 pm
  • Reply stacey

    Wow, that is really great news! I’m so relieved that the cost will be more reasonable and that the odds are looking better.

    I remember feeling JUST like that when we got my hubby’s SA results. Evidently he could populate a small country if only he had a “normal” wife! When the guilt comes knocking I try to remind myself that this is not just MY problem – it’s OURS because we chose to do this whole thing together when we got married. We’re stuck with each other from here on out! If W has half a brain, then he knows he’s lucky to be “stuck” with a gal like you! From what I understand, you’ve got yourself a great guy too. 🙂

    February 6, 2009 at 10:03 pm
  • Reply Jaded

    Sharon,

    guilt and self-blame is an easy trap to fall into, but it will not help you get to your dream! don’t focus on this, rather focus on the good news received and the journey ahead. i am sure W is only focused on the goal.

    keep us posted!

    February 8, 2009 at 6:41 pm
  • Reply Megan

    Don’t blame yourself. Doctor’s don’t know everything about fertility. There could be a lot of factors at play. Don’t blame yourself.

    February 9, 2009 at 4:31 am
  • Reply Hollie

    Hey now, I don’t want to hear any of that “if he had picked another wife”. He picked you. You are the BOMB! The new RE is AWESOME! Its all falling into place.
    Best wishes and lots of prayers for you and this cycle.

    February 9, 2009 at 7:27 pm
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