I got some really interesting food for thought from the comments on my post regarding Lurkers. Thanks to those of you who decided to de-lurk in order to respond, I really appreciate your comments. After thinking about all your comments, I thought it might be a good idea to respond to some of the comments openly on my blog, so here goes:
1. You don’t have to have a witty of funny come back to comment. I don’t consider myself especially funny or witty, in fact, I’m quite the opposite, I’m not much of a smart mouth at all. I’m one of those dorky people who only thinks of a funny comeback about two hours after the actual event. So please don’t feel pressured to be a smart mouth here, dull boring support is what I’m looking for. 🙂
2. Am I really that honest? That seems to be a fairly broad feeling from most of my readers. I asked W if he thinks I’m too open about my feelings/experiences and he says that yes, he thinks that sometimes I am too honest and not just on my blog but in real life as well. The problem is, I don’t know how to be any other way, its part of who I am, being truthful and authentic is very very important to me. So if I have something to share and there are gory details, you can bet I will share the uglies with you because if I don’t, I will feel that I haven’t communicated properly or that I haven’t received the full benefit of my blog posting, this is, afterall, my little bit of cheap therapy! 🙂
3. I’m not cool! Thanks Amy for thinking I am, its feels good for my ego, but trust me, I’m not cool, I’m so uncool in real life you’d probably laugh if you knew. FYI My nick name growing up was Spazzy Shazzy, how uncool is that? I’m the chubby girl with the low self esteem that wants everyone to like her, but is always worried that they won’t. If somebody is quiet around me, I automatically feel like it must be because they don’t like me. Lurkers on my blog make me feel the same way, they’re not commenting because they think I’m an idiot, because I don’t have anything funny/smart/witty/intelligent to say.
Lastly, I’d like to explain why my blog is not just about one specific aspect of my life, namely, my infertility. There’s one reason and one reason only, because if I were to spend every hour of every day dwelling on the shitty hand I’ve been dealt with my infertility and RPL, of the babies lost, of the hundreds of thousands of rands flushed down the toilet in the hope of having a real live baby, of the dreams shattered, of the fear and anxiety, of the stress and strain on my marriage, of the arguments and fights about infertility and treatment and life’s dreams, well to be totally honest, I’d probably curl up into a little ball and wish myself to die. There are moments, like last weekend when we took all those silly Christmas photo’s, where we were laughing and having fun, that I suddenly got this thought of how we can still be so happy and laughing in the midst of something as sad and lonely as infertility and RPL. The second that thought entered my mind, my mood changed, there was an under current of sadness and I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to be sad anymore, I’ve spent enough years hurting, sad and yearning. I need to surround myself with happiness, with balance and with dreams that can be fulfilled asidefrom my infertility. I think I’m going to change my tag line on my blog as well, because I no longer wish to be a tired infertile rambling about infertility.
I have lived the other side of the coin, where every waking moment was spent in misery, figuratively, with my fists clenching my hair, asking why why why? Why do I have to go through this, why do I have to hurt so much, why can’t my fertility treatment work, why do I have to go through this over and over again, why do I have to be offered a glimmer of hope only to have it so cruelly ripped away from me, why do I have to be a failure at motherhood like this, why are my babies lives doomed simply because God picked me as their mother?? And you know what? Living like that hurt me. It hurt my husband. It hurt my friendships and it made my life miserable.
At the end of last year, when I was having brain scans to try and determine where my severe bouts of vertigo where coming from, where we were so emotionally, physically and financially broke from literally 8 months of non stop treatment. My body was broken from months of abuse, my marriage was at breaking point. It was only then that I realized, that like everything else in life, I had a choice. I could choose to be miserable and bitter and sad all the time because of how shitty infertility & RPL is. Or I could choose to find joy in other area’s of my life, I could choose to look for balance and not have my life in its entirety revolve around infertility.
And I chose option number two and I want my choice to reflect in my blog as well. Yes there are days when I get very sad, there are days when I cannot stop the tears from streaming down my face, the days when the pain and yearning in my heart is so overwhelming that it hurts to breathe. But in between that, there are days that are filled with love and laughter and I need those days to lift me up. That’s also why I post some of the silly stuff I do on my blog, as a reminder to us all that even in the darkest days of our lives, laughter is healing for our souls. I need it, you need it, God knows, we all need it. For me, there is nothing better than laughing, so hard, that the tears run down my cheeks and I cannot stop it or control it.
In closing, I just wanted to add, I’m a total “hits bitch” so seriously, if you’re not up for a comment, that’s totally cool with me, so don’t feel pressure to comment. I simply wanted to know if there was one reason in particular that so many people don’t comment.