Definition for fomo:
Definition for foblb:
That’s pretty much how I’m feeling right now!
Life works in cycles. There was a time in my life when almost every weekend I was attending 21st birthday parties. Once that cycle had past, we entered the engagement party phase which was subsequently followed by all the weddings! Then came the 30th birthday party cycle and every infertiles worst nightmare… the baby shower cycle.
I dreaded baby showers. They hurt. They made me uncomfortable because I could see the pity in everyone’s eyes. Poor Sharon can’t have a baby! I had nothing to contribute and nothing to say and would sit there with a smile on my face and an ache in my heart, doing my best to ooh and aah over all the adorable baby goods, wondering if it would ever be my turn. Murphy is a SOB as well and I would invariably be attending a baby shower while in the midst of a doomed fertility cycle or even worse, bleeding from one of my many miscarriages.
And then it was! Finally, I was the guest of honour at my own baby shower. Finally, I had arrived, finally the adorable baby goods were for MY baby! And the pain of the previous cycle of baby showers and pregnancy announcements faded into insignificance and no longer bothered me.
But lately I’m finding myself in a new cycle, one which is causing me considerable FOBLB. I’m being bombarded daily by pregnancy and birth announcements of friends having second babies and friends from the adoption fraternity having second placements and that old and unwelcome frenemy of FOBLB is back.
Waiting for our second placement is hard. It’s hard having so little control over the process and over when it will happen. It’s hard doing nothing… just waiting… and dreaming…. and thinking about all the what if’s… discussing names for boys and names for girls… making plans… but not knowing if they will ever be fulfilled!
It’s hard knowing that with each passing month Ava gets older and the gap between her and her (please God) sibling grows wider and wider.
It’s hard watching friends increase their families from 3 to 4. Don’t get me wrong. I’m overjoyed for them but I’m also a little sad for me too, as selfish as that may sound.
I’m also fearful. I don’t want to find myself back in that dark place that infertility once found me. A “freak” in a fertile world. Different to everyone else. I’d love a little “normal” in my life too but realistically I know that that is not going to happen, that we have been placed, for reason’s not fully understood by us, on a path less travelled.
It’s hard hearing friends talk about trying for another baby, discussing the timing of their next IVF cycles, God knows I’ve tried, but I’m failing miserably as pushing back the rising panic I feel each time FOBLB rears it’s head.
I’m I always destined to cross the finish line last? This next statement really comes from a place of indulgent self pity, but really, does this family creation thing HAVE to always be so hard for Walter and I?
I know I should shut up and suck it up, after all we were extremely blessed with Ava. Granted, it took more than 7 years to get to her placement but our adoption journey with her was only 3 weeks, literally unheard of and it did kind of elevate us to Rock Star status in the adoption fraternity. But now… now we’ve been waiting 26 months for our second placement. One hundred and nine weeks for our second placement. Seven hundred and sixty three days for our second placement!
Yeah! I have FOMO with a big fat helping of FOBLB!
In other news, Ava told us yesterday that she’s having a brother and his name will be Sister and when I asked her if she had a sister what her name would be, she is adamant that if it’s a girl, her name WILL BE Jade!
For now, I can only but continue to dream, hope, pray and have faith…..