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FOBLB Rears It’s Ugly Head Again! *Warning Pity Party Ahead*

Definition for fomo:

Web definitions:
Fear of missing out

Definition for foblb:

Sharon’s definition:
Fear of being left behind
That’s pretty much how I’m feeling right now!
Life works in cycles. There was a time in my life when almost every weekend I was attending 21st birthday parties. Once that cycle had past, we entered the engagement party phase which was subsequently followed by all the weddings! Then came the 30th birthday party cycle and every infertiles worst nightmare… the baby shower cycle.
I dreaded baby showers. They hurt. They made me uncomfortable because I could see the pity in everyone’s eyes. Poor Sharon can’t have a baby! I had nothing to contribute and nothing to say and would sit there with a smile on my face and an ache in my heart, doing my best to ooh and aah over all the adorable baby goods, wondering if it would ever be my turn.  Murphy is a SOB as well and I would invariably be attending a baby shower while in the midst of a doomed fertility cycle or even worse, bleeding from one of my many miscarriages.
And then it was! Finally, I was the guest of honour at my own baby shower. Finally, I had arrived, finally the adorable baby goods were for MY baby! And the pain of the previous cycle of baby showers and pregnancy announcements faded into insignificance and no longer bothered me.
But lately I’m finding myself in a new cycle, one which is causing me considerable FOBLB. I’m being bombarded daily by pregnancy and birth announcements of friends having second babies and friends from the adoption fraternity having second placements and that old and unwelcome frenemy of FOBLB is back.
Waiting for our second placement is hard. It’s hard having so little control over the process and over when it will happen. It’s hard doing nothing… just waiting… and dreaming…. and thinking about all the what if’s… discussing names for boys and names for girls… making plans… but not knowing if they will ever be fulfilled!
It’s hard knowing that with each passing month Ava gets older and the gap between her and her (please God) sibling grows wider and wider.
It’s hard watching friends increase their families from 3 to 4. Don’t get me wrong. I’m overjoyed for them but I’m also a little sad for me too, as selfish as that may sound.
I’m also fearful. I don’t want to find myself back in that dark place that infertility once found me. A “freak” in a fertile world. Different to everyone else. I’d love a little “normal” in my life too but realistically I know that that is not going to happen, that we have been placed, for reason’s not fully understood by us, on a path less travelled.
It’s hard hearing friends talk about trying for another baby, discussing the timing of their next IVF cycles, God knows I’ve tried, but I’m failing miserably as pushing back the rising panic I feel each time FOBLB rears it’s head.
I’m I always destined to cross the finish line last?  This next statement really comes from a place of indulgent self pity, but really, does this family creation thing HAVE to always be so hard for Walter and I?
I know I should shut up and suck it up, after all we were extremely blessed with Ava. Granted, it took more than 7 years to get to her placement but our adoption journey with her was only 3 weeks, literally unheard of and it did kind of elevate us to Rock Star status in the adoption fraternity. But now… now we’ve been waiting 26 months for our second placement. One hundred and nine weeks for our second placement. Seven hundred and sixty three days for our second placement!
Yeah! I have FOMO with a big fat helping of FOBLB!
In other news, Ava told us yesterday that she’s having a brother and his name will be Sister and when I asked her if she had a sister what her name would be, she is adamant that if it’s a girl, her name WILL BE Jade!
For now, I can only but continue to dream, hope, pray and have faith…..

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21 Comments

  • Reply Megan Hughes

    Sharon, ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i so feel you on this one, just hang in there, God has the perfect baby for you, He is working hang on it, and when it comes, the wait will be invinsible 🙂 Keep strong babes, almost there

    August 10, 2012 at 10:03 am
  • Reply Beth

    Aw Sharon. It will happen. And FOBLB will disappear into baby cuddles and sleepless nights. Somewhere out there your LO is growing. A BM is contemplating adoption. Your baby is waiting to join your family. It is just a matter of time.

    Your first adoption was a 100m sprint and you came home with gold. The second is more like the Comrades. Even though it is hard and painful, eventually you will stand at the finish line looking back and be so proud that you made it.

    I’m still praying everyday that Babyvw makes their appearance soon. Keep strong Sharon.

    August 10, 2012 at 10:17 am
  • Reply acidicice

    I don’t feel that you should suck it up. I cannot imagine how difficult the road of RPL and infertility must be. What I can tell you is that even while I am expecting our 3rd child (2nd living) I am anxious and don’t take anything for granted. Yes, we prepare, we discuss names, but I don’t believe everything will be alright until I have a healthy, living, breathing child in my arms. This entire journey is difficult. Even though I at least now have a timeline for reference, I still fear the worst.

    You are not alone.

    I can also understand why you are feeling this way at the moment…there is an HUGE amount of HCG on Twitter at the right now.

    *strongs and hugs*

    August 10, 2012 at 10:41 am
  • Reply Tracy

    Oh, Sharon, I hear you! That FOBLB is all too familiar. I used to feel the same way about baby showers and adoption placements and new babies. But then YOUR baby arrives and you just know that you were meant to wait for the exactly right child for your family. I know that is certainly a lesson I’ve learned on the journey to creating our family.

    When we were waiting for our first child, a couple who were with us in our screening process and group sessions, got THE call. They had applied to the same place as we did AFTER we did and they got the call. I was very upset and kept thinking, why did they get the babies (it was twins) and not us? What was wrong with us? We had also said we wouldn’t mind twins. We had become friendly with the couple during the whole process and so I went to visit them and their new babies with gifts in hand. I spent the most wonderful afternoon with them and my friend was amazing, letting me hold the babies and even feed one of them his bottle on my own. I came away from there knowing two things: 1. that these were gorgeous babies who I loved spending time with and 2. they were not, and were never meant to be, mine. They were so exactly perfect for our friends. Our son arrived three months later and he was the PERFECT child for us in every way. Our son and the twins have been friends for the last 8 years and whenever I see them together I am reminded of the first time I met them and of the lesson I learned that day.

    That lesson has been reinforced so many times. One memorable time was when our son was about 5. He was at a birthday party for one of his friends and another woman (L) who had also adopted her son and I were talking to the birthday boy’s mum. We were discussing birthdays and it turns out that L’s son and my son’s birthday are two weeks apart. The BB’s mum said: “Oh wow, just think, you could have ended up with L’s son and L could have ended up with your son.” Both L and I said simultaneously: “No!” It was quite funny but it also affirmed for me that other families formed through adoption felt the same way. Your child will find his or her way to you when the time is right and that will be the right child for your family. Before we adopted I never really bought into this whole mindset but I’ve now experienced it and seen far too many examples of it to doubt it for a second.

    So, Sharon, that is a very long-winded way of saying your second child will come when the time is right. Who knows, your little angel may be winging his or her way to you right now or maybe he or she is not quite ready yet. Whatever the time frame, one of the great joys of adoption (as opposed to fertility treatments) is knowing that there will be a baby! Vasbyt en sterkte!

    August 10, 2012 at 10:53 am
    • Reply Sharon

      *sigh*
      I know, I know. I know and agree with everything you have said above, but sometimes, just sometimes, that is of little comfort to me during the endless waiting….

      August 10, 2012 at 10:59 am
      • Reply Tracy

        Oh, Sharon, I’m so sorry! I realised I’m commenting like a man – giving you a rational explanation for your experience. I’m forgetting completely that reason only works after the fact and is so not what you need to hear right now. So, for now, forgot what I said and just hear this: I’m sorry you’re in that emotional space. Waiting really sucks! Have a glass of wine, a slab of chocolate and a long hot bubble bath. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

        August 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm
        • Reply Sharon

          No need to apologize Love! I know exactly where you were coming from and totally agree with what you had said.
          Today is just a tough day!
          xxx

          August 10, 2012 at 12:39 pm
  • Reply tolovebella

    What do I say to my special, special girl-husband to make this angst go away? Where do I get a magic wand? How do I let my special chick know that not a day goes by that I am not thinking about this very thing for her?
    Shaz my love. I say a little prayer for you every day. I keep hoping the big guy answers it soon.
    xoxo

    August 10, 2012 at 11:12 am
  • Reply Arnell

    Hi, Sharon….
    Thinking of you. Strongs! Big hugs sending your way. x

    August 10, 2012 at 11:16 am
  • Reply panjels

    I get you Sharon… ! I swallow that same painful lump often… It counts for something that we, in the waiting room for the one of the greatest of life’s joys, are not alone. It is simply just hard. I am mindful at the moment of keeping my eyes fixed on God and remembering to not wish today away… whilst I wait to be called mom.

    A friends FB status this morning really spoke to me, I’ll share it with you:-

    “Life has no favourites -on some of its days it let’s u bask in the sun and on other days it smashes you on the rocks -BUT secured in the Fathers love we can say “Do your worst, I’m not going to hide in the shadows hoping that if I feed ‘fear’ he will eat me last and allow me to go thru life so pitifully careful that I get to deaths door safely-No, for me to live is Christ, to die is gain”-we can’t lose!!”

    xx

    August 10, 2012 at 11:33 am
    • Reply Sharon

      That is beautiful! Thank you for sharing. I really needed to hear the “life has no favourites”part today…

      August 10, 2012 at 11:46 am
      • Reply panjels

        … me too!
        I just posted it on my blog as a reminder to future me as well 🙂
        Big hugs xx

        August 10, 2012 at 11:49 am
  • Reply Laura

    ((HUGS))

    August 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm
  • Reply Robyn

    Shaz, I’m sorry if my post yesterday has contributed to this. I should have let you know before I went public. VERY inconsiderate of me and hurtful, I do know better and feel aweful if I have hurt you. Sending much love as always. xxx.

    August 10, 2012 at 3:10 pm
  • Reply Juanita

    Ai tog Sharon, I feel for you. Been through my own episode not too long ago and there is really nothing anybody can do or say to make it better. My mother-in-law told me that whenever she is very frustrated or upset she would park the car where there is (hopefully) no people around, close all the windows and them scream at the top of her lungs! Made her look like a loony but she felt great afterwards 🙂 Maybe we should try this sometime and get rid of all those feelings…

    August 10, 2012 at 8:42 pm
  • Reply Lauren

    You’re totally entitled to have a pity party and be jealous of others! You’re human!! You also want to give Ava a brother or sister so your ‘jealousy’ comes from a really good place (dunno if that makes sense)

    Its so hard when you’re in it, in the eye of the storm, to see the wood for the trees but have faith that you’ll get your baby#2 and soon you look back at this when you’re holding your baby in your arms and think agh it wasn’t so bad.

    The hardest part is the faith bit, but you do have to have faith that the big man upstairs has the perfect plan for you, and whilst he’s ‘killing’ you with the waiting, the wait will be so worth it when you hold that baby in your arms.

    Sterkte!!

    August 10, 2012 at 11:37 pm
  • Reply Jeanette

    ((hugs))

    August 11, 2012 at 9:21 pm
  • Reply Chantal

    I hear you, it brings up the insecurities and old doubts. Imagine my foblb fear, no wait I have been left behind. Everyone is now in university or having fab careers but I am still way back in primary school. I pray your baby comes soon.

    August 12, 2012 at 4:01 pm
  • Reply Wynette

    Ah Sharon my heart breaks for you. I wish life did always make sense, always seemed fair. Unfortunately, even though there are many beautiful things in life , its a VERY imperfect world we live in where imperfect sore things happen to our hearts that so struggle to understand it, struggle to not allow the imperfection of this world – grab a hold of our souls.

    I don’t know how your story is going to end – but what I do know its not the end. I have come to realise in my own life despair often comes from the time lines we as humans seem to place on events in our life. For some its for partners, children returning, having children, broken relationships etc. We all place different time lines – whatever they are they somehow eat into our hope. And we give time lines power!

    Take one day at a time. Live with an open heart and allow yourself to feel what you need to – perhaps there is still some wounds that need to heal . Nurture your heart. On the days of despair try and observe if your time line is stealing the precious emotion of hope.

    Thinking of you – on this road less traveled.

    August 13, 2012 at 8:42 am
  • Reply Sian

    I’m sorry friend. There is absolutely nothing that I can say that would be soothing. I just really hope that you get placed soon. xxxx

    August 13, 2012 at 10:57 am
  • Reply Hayley

    ‘foblb’…you just hit the nail on the head for me. Thanks for this post Sharon.

    xxx

    August 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm
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