You guys, it’s been a tough week. We’ve been without our nanny for the last few days and because we’re rather lacking in occupants of our child raising village, I won’t lie, it’s been chaotic. This has really got me rethinking our childcare options. Ava already attends aftercare but now I’m seriously contemplating the merits of enrolling Hannah at a school that can take her full day. The school I have in mind, also operates from 6am to 6pm and is open throughout the year except on public holidays and in December (when we’re on leave) which would make my life a whole hell of a lot easier. Of course, this has repercussions for our nanny as I can’t afford to have both. It’s a tough one and I’m weighting up the pro’s and con’s of both but right now, just feeling so overwhelmed by the pressure of not having childcare for Hannah in the afternoon and having to take leave from work.
I also wrote this blog post – Forgive me if I seem bitter…. Infertility. You’d think I’d be over it by now right? Wrong. I try not to dwell on it. I try not to “go there”, I try not to think about all the “could have/should have” been’s but it’s hard and every now and then something will happen or someone will write/say something that brings it all rushing back. I just want you all to know, that that piecee I wrote, it’s totally my opinion, my point of view, with my history in mind. We don’t all have to agree and not everyone did. That’s ok, I’m ok with that. But maybe just maybe, there’s a woman out there who is still in the trenches of infertility and she has a bestie who is pregnant that read that post and maybe just maybe it will help them understand each other better. Infertility is a very lonely place to be. I related so much to one of the commenters who’s two sister in law’s had isolated her because she was pregnant while they were both struggling. I relate, because I was just like her sister in law’s once upon a time. So consumed and overwhelmed by my struggle and grief that I couldn’t be happy for anyone and I certainly couldn’t/wouldn’t support anyone that was pregnant. My own sister in law I avoided for the duration of her second pregnancy, simply because the pain of seeing her pregnant belly overwhelmed and suffocated me. I spent a lot of time after Ava’s placement apologizing to family and friends for how I had avoided and not supported them during that time. Infertility made me bitter. It made me prickly and brittle and selfish. It does that to quite a few of us infertiles, not because we’re horrible people but because of the nature of our beast.
I did love Denise’s comment, I really felt like she made a number of important and valid points and gave me a lot of clarity on the subject.
I have a slightly different view. I think that everyone goes through a hard time and I think that its important to vent appropriately. Whether you’ve had a tough pregnancy or many years of infertility for you that is the struggle you are going through. As a fellow adoptive Mom, I find myself struggling often with the intricacies of my situation and I do moan from time to time but I vent appropriately. To my VERY CLOSE friends, my mom or other family. Not FB, twitter or public platforms. These hard times that we go through are intensely private and if you put them out into the public you are opening yourself up to criticism from people that couldn’t possibly understand what you are going through.
And more than that I believe that the more energy we give these negative thoughts the bigger the problem becomes. If you have intense heart burn during your pregnancy (a friend of mine had debilitating heart burn) take the meds whine to your bestie and get on with it. Would you rather not have the baby? Can you stop the heart burn? If you can’t fix it and you don’t want to end it don’t moan about it. And that goes for infertility, disease, depression etc. Anything you are going through, do your best to deal with the situation and then make peace with it. Don’t keep whining!
With the internet, blogs, twitter and FB I think people have trouble drawing a line between sharing and whining. Sharing an experience (negative or positive) allows people to connect, whining about it makes you lonely.
Of course, my stats boomed on yesterday’s post, it would seem the blogesphere loves controversy, my most highly opinionated/controversial posts are always the ones with the highest hits. But I do love the conversation that it starts and the sharing, I think we can all learn something from every single comment left yesterday, I know I certainly have a lot of food for thought one everything everyone says and I’ve certainly spent a large chunk of time contemplating it all.
But at the end of the day guys, I can only share on what I know and infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is what I know, it’s my point of reference and because of what I went through, I will ALWAYS be on the side of my infertility sisters. Always. Because I know there pain. I do. I may not know yours or your circumstance but I know their’s and I have such a deep sense of compassion for these women.
Now as a parent of so many years of struggle, I am still ever mindful of what I say online about being a parent because I started out first and foremost an infertility blogger, so a big chunk of my readers come from that time and I am ever mindful of the fact that what I say about parenting (and God knows, it can be really tough at times) doesn’t come off as ungrateful. Of course, I’m only human and so do fail at times. But this is something that is often foremost in my mind, especially when I share about my girls and want to have a big fat winge about how tough it all can be!
Having said that, I would also like to make it clear that yesterday’s post was not in anyway directed and any one person. Nor did I think the people who complained about their pregnancies were being callous, I got that most of it was tongue in cheek, but like I said, some days there are triggers that just bring the pain of it all rushing back to me.
But then I came home and sat on the couch with Hannah yesterday afternoon and as she snuggled into me, the hurt vanished and in it’s place was just wonder and awe at how abundantly I’ve been blessed.
In closing, don’t forget to enter my two competitions currently running! You could win a years gym membership in the one and a black and white family photo shoot in the other. Incidentally, the photographer who is sponsoring the photo shoot, Emma O’Brien, also runs the Rescue Dog Photo Project, check them out, I think her work is amazing!
I think the biggest lesson I take from this week is that sometimes it’s necessary to take a step back in order to think.
Have a great weekend and be blessed! xx