Can I Talk About Grief? I know it’s uncomfortable.

Posted in Infertility by

They say time heals all wounds. I say it doesn’t. Not for my recurrent pregnancy loss wound anyway. My heart hasn’t healed with a neat little scar covering the hole that ripped through my heart with the loss of my babies. And I don’t think it ever will.

Grief changes….

My grief has changed over the years. It’s been 14 years since I lost my first baby and the pain and grief of that loss and the subsequent losses, is still very much there. It is just quieter and less anguished than it used to be.

I remember….

I remember that first loss. If I’d lived in biblical times, I’d have donned hessian cloth and covered myself in ash, wailing and tearing at my hair. As it is, I did a lot of wailing and tearing at my hair and it lasted for 7 long years. The birth and placement of my children did change that. It made that pain a little easier to live with, but I still grieve and I still feel that pain. It’s no longer takes the form of a loud, demanding grief. It’s more of a quiet grief that settles like an unwanted, scratchy blanket that irritates my skin but provides a little warmth and comfort.

 On Monday, it was the 14-year anniversary of my first loss and my grief took the form of silent tears that ran down my cheeks, dripped on my hands & stained my shirt as I moved throughout the course of my day. I think the thing that makes this grief so hard to deal with is that it’s goes unacknowledged by everyone else. It’s not like losing a partner, parent or friend. There wasn’t a tangible being there for anyone to grieve, except me, because I am the only one that ever felt the presence of the babies I’ve lost. No one else remembers, no one else understand my grief on that day, so when asked why I was sad, my explanation was met with an “oh” and then moving swiftly along…..


I get it. I understand that this type of grief is misunderstood, that unless you’ve lost multiple babies, you can’t really understand or acknowledge what that grief feels liked. And that’s what makes it a double edged sword, because it makes my grief lonely and it feels like my loss, my babies are simply dismissed as having meant nothing, never existing and the thing is, in order for me to properly grieve and potentially find the “time heals all wounds” place, I need them to be acknowledged and I need my grief acknowledged and this makes people uncomfortable.

But I remember……

Those babies meant too much to me, for the short time they were with me, for the short time they grew inside me, for me to not acknowledge them, for me not to grieve them. No one can help me heal, except me and that is why acknowledging their loss on that anniversary is so very important to me, even when no one else understands it.

pinterest-grief

September 15, 2016
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14 Comments

  • Reply catjuggles

    So sorry for your losses Sharon.

    September 15, 2016 at 10:54 am
  • Reply spiritedmama1

    I am so with you….I want to slap someone everytime I hear “you should be strong, Time will heal your grief” Well it doesn’t. We just find a way to cope/live with it…

    So sorry for your losses.
    I still need to do a post dedicated to Mamma but I am so broken that I don’;t even know where to start. I lost my person. My best friend. My husband told me the other day that what Mamma and I had was really special, a real friendship.

    My heart goes out to you…

    September 15, 2016 at 12:12 pm
  • Reply Debs

    Its the loss of possibilities that breaks me into a million pieces. I hope your grief loses is sharp edges over time. xx

    September 15, 2016 at 2:16 pm
  • Reply suzannacatgerine

    Hey, Sharon::

    I am so glad to read your post about the grief of long ago losses. It is so true. Grief changes over time, but it never goes away. I always thought I was the only one who felt that way. My first loss was at Easter of 1965. 51 years ago! It still haunts me as if it were yesterday. Thank you for acknowledging that which not many family or friends understand. I, too, thought adoption was the answer. No. It really wasn’t. It helped, but just seemed to reinforce the idea held by many family and friends that I was somehow never going to be satisfied. Look at her. She has these two adorable boys, and she’s still hasn’t “moved on.”

    So, once again, thank you for telling it how it is.

    SCW
    wenatcheegirl@gmail.com

    September 15, 2016 at 9:53 pm
  • Reply Sam

    The grief will always be with you, because your babies will always be in your heart. (((HUGS)))

    September 16, 2016 at 11:56 am
  • Reply Cassey Toi

    Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg hugs.

    September 16, 2016 at 6:47 pm
  • Reply Taryn Botha

    It never gets easier. Thinking of you xxx

    September 19, 2016 at 4:34 pm
  • Reply mommabeartrax

    Thank you again for sharing this link with me yesterday. It echoes so many of the emotions we are going through right now. I cannot see my heart ever getting over this, and I dont want it to. As I shared in my post (https://themilkmemoirs.wordpress.com/), our child will forever be a part of me, and will forever be celebrated and loved. And I am grateful that my husband feels that this acknowledgement is important too.

    Once more, I am terribly sorry for your loss, and my heart broke as I learnt of your history – mostly because as a mother, that thought is devasting already, and even more so now, as I currenty walk a similar path. Sending you all my love.

    September 23, 2016 at 1:02 pm
    • Reply Sharon

      I feel your pain. I know how much it hurts. Sending you so much love.

      September 23, 2016 at 1:12 pm

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