Happily Ever After?

Yesterday, amongst all the birthday messages, I received one message that was so profound that it gave me the biggest A-ha moment I’ve had since becoming a mother. My friend Chantal, sent me this:

Hi Shaz, Happy Birthday, your first one as a Mom. It’s not just a celebration for you, but also of your precious miracle, Ava. A wonderful day where, for the first time in years, you don’t look back at the past year with sadness and to the coming year with fear but you look back with amazement and thankfulness and look forward to a year filled with joy, blessings, love, pride and wonder as Ava develops. Have a wonderful day and year ahead. Love Chantal & Thomas.

In an instant it hit me! I realized what the greatest problem has been with the past 6 months, I’ve spent ALL of it clinging to an identity that was no longer mine to cling to! I’ve changed but have tried to ignore the change, my circumstances are different, yet I’ve tried to remain the same.

Because of my rigid cling on my infertility, I’ve allowed myself to often feel alone, hurt, slated and isolated. I’ve sucked up some of the passive aggressive comments and hurtful remarks that have been leveled at me, as well as being blatantly ignored by acquaintances (not even friends, blog readers and Facebook “friends”) all in an attempt to fit into a mold I no longer fit into.

It’s a funny thing really, when we’re still walking the path of infertility, we think that once we’ve achieved the dream, that life will be picture perfect, that we’ll live happily ever after and I know that all of you have “achieved the dream” will relate when I say this……… that simply isn’t true, it’s a Fairy Tale, just like Cinderella and Snow White, life carries on, the reality is that it is just as full of challenges as it was before becoming mothers, before having children.

So, I’ve given this lots of thought and have made some decisions. The first one is that I can’t force what is not natural and my tight grip on people & friendships that have been slipping over the past few months needs to be loosened. I cannot force what isn’t meant to be, I’m not who I was 6 months ago and that does mean that relationships will change and some will, sadly, come to an end. I have also decided that I’m not going to eat the crap that some people have offered me, by the shovel full, over the past 6 months. So today I will be doing a big clean up on my Google Reader, Twitter and Face Book profiles and, in the words of the very wise Nicky, if you can see my status updates, congratulations, you made the cut! ๐Ÿ™‚

On wards and up wards people, I have a new life to live and newย  challenges to overcome and I don’t need the chains of my past holding me back!

//

25 Comments

  • mayflowerladybugs

    June 17, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Sjoe how true Sharon! How difficult it is to let go of something that had become such a part of one’s identity! But you are right, sometimes one has to move on, hard as it is. It reminds me of that saying about friends (reason/season/lifetime). Hope you had a lovely day yesterday! xx

    Reply
  • dee

    June 17, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Congrats sweety, so absolutely true and in the end “you gotta do what you gotta do”. YAY for changes!

    I did that FB clean-up not so long ago and it was GREAT, very liberating.

    Reply
  • thebinges

    June 17, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Okay, 1st things 1st. I am an ass. Humblest apologies for not wishing you, I am both embaressed and extremely um, embaressed ๐Ÿ™‚ Happy, happy birthday Shaz. I’m sure it was wonderful.

    I’m so glad that you’re embracing the new you. Easier said than done, but tikkel tokkel babe, tikkel tokkel ๐Ÿ˜‰

    XXX

    Reply
  • bratty37

    June 17, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Firstly…happy belated birthday

    Secondly..big congratulations..you can finally live free and be who you are meant to be..and not what you think you should be

    Reply
  • wenatcheegirl

    June 17, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Love this post! Very insightful and true. Life is full of challenges — becoming a mother changes EVERYTHING — including the challenges to be faced. There is a lot of wisdom in what you say.

    Ooops. Sorry I missed your birthday. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. I hope that it was your best ever — and I think it probably was! You are an awesome woman, wife and mother and you surely deserve a wonderful birthday and year to follow. I would love to know you IRL, but alas that’s not possible, since I live on the other side of the world. However, I am thankful that we have this technology that can bring us together like neighbors talking over the back fence.

    Reply
  • antigone1022

    June 17, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    Have a wonderful day as a Mum, wife, friend, daughter,co-worker all the labels that make up the jigsaw of who we are….but most of all have a wonderful day as you, as Sharon, the total of who you are x

    Reply
  • ttcnot2easy

    June 18, 2010 at 6:15 am

    Sharon – it must be incredibly liberating to let go of that mould. Especially after living within it for so long. I have forgotten what it’s like to be in that place – forgot what life was like when we first married. Goodness knows I’m slightly daunted by the prospect of not having it IF and WHEN we become parents.. It’s going to be so ‘weird’ to let go!! As it is, it has been somewhat hard for me to let go of the ART side of IF and hand my ‘fate’ over to someone else (i.t.o. the adoption). But that is the control freak in me!!! xxx

    Reply
  • splice

    June 18, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Instant makeover! I feel like one too! Like a haircut, only less risky.

    Wishing you many happy birtdays to come in your new skin. Live it up, that’s what live is made for.

    M ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
  • hanneke001

    June 18, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Hey S, i love your new outlook, happy belated bithday, we got back today from holiday !!! I pray that you have a wonderfull year ahead with your wonderfull daughter and husband !!!

    Reply
  • trishdg

    June 18, 2010 at 9:22 am

    What a good attitude Sharon – onwards and upwards from here on! I always want to just forget those “friends” who no longer provide any support or interest in my life but instead I spend hours agonising over why they just don’t seem to like me anyone. My head is saying dump them for good but I just can’t seem to let go. Every now and then I catch myself heading over to their profile to check out what they’re up to and it makes me feel worse. I wish I could somehow learn to just delete them and walk away and I do draw strength when I see others like you doing it!

    Reply
    • Sharon

      June 18, 2010 at 9:27 am

      Do it Trish! Life is too short! Said “friends” have hurt me in so many ways over the past 6 months and while I acknowledge that I’m not perfect either, I have in my own way, tried everything I know how to make myself like able and to cling to them and try and keep things going. But I just can’t anymore. Its not worth it, I’m sick and tired of logging into FB and being hurt by them.
      Its so NOT worth it.

      Reply
  • minkynoo

    June 18, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    I admire you so much, you are truley an amazing person with such a strong personality. (I mean that in a good way) You always some how manage to see the good, and the silver lining. |Good on you for making that decision, im sure it was a hard decision to make ๐Ÿ™‚
    Still love this blog about ‘life after infertility’ as much as your previous blog

    Reply

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