So on Monday I go back to work, today is officially my last day of maternity leave and boy oh boy am I bashing myself with the guilt because ………. I’m looking forward to going back to work! I have such mixed feelings about that. I feel guilty for leaving Ava and I know I’m going to miss her terribly but when I’m at work, I really really enjoy it. Even the few meetings I’ve attended while being on maternity leave I’ve really enjoyed. Don’t get me wrong, as soon as those meetings were over, I couldn’t wait to get out of there and get home to my little sausage, but while I was in it, I didn’t feel like I didn’t want to be there.
I was concerned initially about starting to assist from home for the last 2 months of my maternity leave but in hind sight, I realize I would never have survived almost 5 months at home if it weren’t for the bit of work I did get to do here. There’s just so much sleeping/reading/cooking/baking/TV watching I can do in a day without feeling like I’m totally going to lose my mind. And while Ava is still so young and sleeping so much, there are large stretches of the day where that was pretty much all there was to do. So I realize now that I wouldn’t have survived these last 4 and three-quarter months without having the bit of work to do.
I just know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that as wonderful as being a SAHM sounds, it just wouldn’t be right for me. I’d either go crazy or bankrupt or both. It was totally necessary for me to be on full leave for the first two months with Ava, they were extremely difficult as we both tried to find our feet and get a routine going. I don’t think I would have managed working then, but since everything has settled, I think we’ve found a compromise to keep everyone happy.
My mother says I’m like my grandmother on my father’s side, she also just couldn’t be a SAHM and worked from the time my dad was a small boy right up until she was 60 years old. So I guess I get this from her as my mom was a SAHM from the time she found out she was pregnant with me.
Now if I could just work through my guilt about leaving Ava because a part of me feels as if my needs are now secondary to her, which of course on some levels is true but not on all.