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Hind Sight!

What’s that they say about 20/20 vision and hind sight? I’ve got a serious case of that since Ava came into our lives! It would seem my inner voice has been whispering to me for years but I was so fixated, stuck, obsessed, whatever you’d like to call it, on fertility treatment, to just stop, be silent and listen. And its quite ironic actually because its the two pieces of advice I always give out to my IF sisters who stand at a crossroads and are confused on how to proceed…. Be still, be quiet with the decision and the answer will come, listen to your inner voice.

For a long long time I forgot how to do that. With each miscarriage, my desire to put a band aid over the pain and continue on with life was so strong that I shut out my inner voice, I gritted my teeth and I forged ahead and quite clearly with poor consequences. There were voices of reason along the way, voices other than my own inner voice. My Mom has long been a voice of reason, she has encouraged W and I to drop the treatment route and pursue adoption for years, she has been telling me that she believes that is the miracle for us.

One such voice of reason came from an unlikely source and at the time, I was furious at her. It was during my 6th miscarriage, the bleeding had finally started after almost 80 days of no menstruation. I was in agony, both physically and emotionally. I’d called my Acupuncturist and she’d told me that she could do some acupuncture on me for the pain and I’d gone into her practise for a session, extremely emotional. I was sitting in reception waiting for my appointment and I was crying. At that stage I was so emotionally distraught that nothing offered me comfort and I didn’t care who saw my pain. So I was sitting in her reception area, with tears just rolling down my cheeks, when she came out to see a patient off. At the time, my 2 closest friends were also pregnant and I was terrified of how I would cope with all their pregnancy milestones knowing that my pregnancy was gone. She looked at me, put her hand on my shoulder and said to me:

“Perhaps you need to accept that your life is not meant to take the same pathway as those of your friends?”

At the time, I was to use the f-bomb on her. I was furious, I was hurt!

But now, in hindsight, I see that she was right, that my Mother was right and that my inner voice that had been whispering to me for years had been right. If only I’d followed my own advice, if only I’d stopped to listen.

Its a piece of advice that I gave a friend recently, her RE wanted to follow a different treatment plan to the one she wanted, I’d told her to listen to her inner voice and to trust her instincts. I’m excited to see if its going to work out for too.

Hoping and praying that 2010 will be the year we learn to trust our instincts, listen to our inner voices and see our dreams fulfilled.

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9 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    That is true, we often do have hindsight. But also remember that everything in life has to happen at the right time. Ava happened at the right time – that’s why everything went so quickly, that’s why everything happened the way it did. True, maybe if you chose the adoption route a long time ago, if the time wasn’t right, you would have still waited. And that is why Ava is such a huge miracle. She is the hope, the dreams and the wishes you have had for such a long time and she is the hope of many others out there. She is evidence that dreams, wishes, hope and miracles do exist and do come true.

    January 16, 2010 at 7:38 am
  • Reply Denise

    Sharon, while I believe that I was always meant to be J’s mom I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the experiences that I’ve had so far. Its always important to listen to your inner voice but in the end you will KNOW when the time is right and no amount of prompting from anyone else can change that! Ava was born at exactly the right time which kind of tells you that your timing was spot on! One day she will appreciate that her mom is who she is because of EVERYTHING that she has experienced…

    January 16, 2010 at 8:06 am
  • Reply Adi

    The platitudes just don’t help, though, no matter how truthful or well meant they are. You did what you needed to do to get to where you are today, don’t judge yourself for ANYTHING or think that you could have done this years ago etc. It was your path. It was really hard and it ended with an enormous gift, and that is just what it was. Just suck in today’s moments because part of their beauty lie in every moment that preceded it.

    January 16, 2010 at 8:13 am
  • Reply Sue

    Congratulations on how well you and Ava are doing! I don’t always comment, but do follow your blog regularly.

    I want to echo what Lea said, and also share something that was written in one of our baby shower cards. “With the same comfort you have received, you will be able to comfort others”. I also take that to mean that because of the incredibly hard road you have walked, you will be able to inspire others not to give up. No, not everyone will receive a miracle like Ava, but it is indeed a comfort to know that yes, it is possible, and that no, we are not alone in this journey. May you indeed be that comfort to others.

    January 16, 2010 at 11:06 am
  • Reply Pandora

    Hi Sharon,

    You posted on a forum that you didn’t want to comment on someone waiting to adopt, because your wait was so short. But your wait was not short, it was exactly the right time. We waited 5 years to adopt, but the fertility treatment was short for us, as it was basically hopeless. But although 5 years was long, and I was going to give up and withdraw our names from the list in December 09, our miracle happened 6 months before that deadline. And I know now we needed to wait every second of that time, as our LG is the one meant for us, I knew the second I saw her. We just had to wait for her to be born. God’s timing is perfect, but we don’t always understand that while we are waiting. So your inner voice was preparing you for the day it decided to really shout it out. And wasn’t the timing exactly right!

    January 16, 2010 at 7:00 pm
  • Reply Quiet Dreams

    Pain can shout very loudly. It can be so hard to hear that quiet voice when the pain is screaming in our ears.

    January 17, 2010 at 3:50 am
  • Reply Tam

    I can’t wait to see if it works out either!! 🙂

    January 18, 2010 at 3:28 pm
  • Reply jaded

    Wow – the advice you received was so deeply profound and wise.

    January 20, 2010 at 1:35 am
  • Reply jaded

    I just have to add something – had you stopped earlier you would have missed out on Ava. The speed at which she came into your lives is astonishing. I beleive there are really no mistakes and certainly no coincidences.

    January 20, 2010 at 1:38 am
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