What’s that they say about 20/20 vision and hind sight? I’ve got a serious case of that since Ava came into our lives! It would seem my inner voice has been whispering to me for years but I was so fixated, stuck, obsessed, whatever you’d like to call it, on fertility treatment, to just stop, be silent and listen. And its quite ironic actually because its the two pieces of advice I always give out to my IF sisters who stand at a crossroads and are confused on how to proceed…. Be still, be quiet with the decision and the answer will come, listen to your inner voice.
For a long long time I forgot how to do that. With each miscarriage, my desire to put a band aid over the pain and continue on with life was so strong that I shut out my inner voice, I gritted my teeth and I forged ahead and quite clearly with poor consequences. There were voices of reason along the way, voices other than my own inner voice. My Mom has long been a voice of reason, she has encouraged W and I to drop the treatment route and pursue adoption for years, she has been telling me that she believes that is the miracle for us.
One such voice of reason came from an unlikely source and at the time, I was furious at her. It was during my 6th miscarriage, the bleeding had finally started after almost 80 days of no menstruation. I was in agony, both physically and emotionally. I’d called my Acupuncturist and she’d told me that she could do some acupuncture on me for the pain and I’d gone into her practise for a session, extremely emotional. I was sitting in reception waiting for my appointment and I was crying. At that stage I was so emotionally distraught that nothing offered me comfort and I didn’t care who saw my pain. So I was sitting in her reception area, with tears just rolling down my cheeks, when she came out to see a patient off. At the time, my 2 closest friends were also pregnant and I was terrified of how I would cope with all their pregnancy milestones knowing that my pregnancy was gone. She looked at me, put her hand on my shoulder and said to me:
“Perhaps you need to accept that your life is not meant to take the same pathway as those of your friends?”
At the time, I was to use the f-bomb on her. I was furious, I was hurt!
But now, in hindsight, I see that she was right, that my Mother was right and that my inner voice that had been whispering to me for years had been right. If only I’d followed my own advice, if only I’d stopped to listen.
Its a piece of advice that I gave a friend recently, her RE wanted to follow a different treatment plan to the one she wanted, I’d told her to listen to her inner voice and to trust her instincts. I’m excited to see if its going to work out for too.
Hoping and praying that 2010 will be the year we learn to trust our instincts, listen to our inner voices and see our dreams fulfilled.