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Hope, Expectation, Experience

It took seven and a half years for our miracle daughter to enter our lives. Seven and a half years of heartache and heartbreak. Of soaring highs followed by crushing lows. Of black holes, so deep and so dark, they nearly suffocated me, I thought I’d never see the light again.

In seven and a half years, I had 7 first trimester miscarriages and multiple chemical pregnancies. In seven and a half years, I came to accept and expect that wonderful news that sent my heart soaring would be followed by devastating news that would crush my heart and my hope in an instant.

These things which I have explained are hard for some to understand, you have to be more than infertile to get this, you have to have suffered multiple losses to understand what I’m trying to explain.

Since hearing that we’d been selected by a birth mum, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to fall. Everyone keeps telling me not to be negative, but seven and a half years of infertility & recurrent loss has taught me that after something good, something happy, always comes something sad, something hurtful.

The 60 days while we wait for the final consent, is a form of torture for me like no other. I have to physically work every single day to force the “what if’s” out of my mind. When I voice my thoughts and my fears I get shot down. I get told to stop being stupid, to stop being negative, to trust that that won’t happen. From my family, to my friends to our social workers.

But nobody understands. After seven and a half years of the same shit over and over and over again, its very hard for me to just sit back and say oh everything will be just fine because in the past it wasn’t just fine!

Roll on Monday, 15th February!

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21 Comments

  • Reply Yvonne

    My thoughts are constantly with you Shaz.

    I truly, deeply DO believe that everything will be fine, but at the same time I’m willing these last few weeks to just fly by so that you can finally just relax and move forward without having to even THINK about this. It must be incredibly difficult.

    Big, big hugs!!!!

    xx

    January 28, 2010 at 8:35 am
  • Reply Hela

    I was wondering when you would actually mention this on your blog. And wondering what your thoughts have been like regarding the 60 days.

    I hope with you that the 15th of Feb will come and go without any heartache!

    I do believe God has this one controlled and planned though. He showed you from the beginning!

    January 28, 2010 at 8:58 am
  • Reply Katherine

    You don’t know how often I think of you and your 60 days, I even counted how many days were left yesterday. I thought it was the 13th though. I can’t begin to imagine how terrifying it is and I completely understand your fear. I will just keep praying and praying .

    January 28, 2010 at 9:42 am
  • Reply Rach

    Ohhhhh I TOTALLY get what you’re saying, which is why I’m on the Pill LOL

    Getting knocked up was never a problem, staying knocked up proved to be Mt Everest, big and in surmountable for ME!

    I totally understand it when you say “after something good, something happy, always comes something sad, something hurtful”. Pregnancy was never a joyous happy occasion for me, it always went *yay* positive pee stick *boo* miscarriage.

    And yes when you get to experience that 7 times, like I did, like you did, then you apply that thinking to everything else!

    You need to be able to get those fears out and onto paper or verbalised into words, otherwise you’ll slowly go cuckoo!

    Big hugs!

    p.s. Personally, I think you’ll be fine!

    January 28, 2010 at 10:45 am
  • Reply Julia

    I hear you. And I think it is perfectly natural for you to have fear after all you have been through.

    Praying for peace for you in heart and mind. And for God to continue to bless you and your new family abundantly..xxx

    January 28, 2010 at 11:24 am
  • Reply sue

    This brings tears to my eyes because I do understand. I was the opposite to you though, I got upset with the couple of people who said things like “I will congratulate you after the 60 days.” I pray though that your outcome will be a very special adoption day.

    January 28, 2010 at 11:27 am
  • Reply SassyCupcakes

    I’m thinking of you and hoping things go smoothly over the next last few weeks.

    January 28, 2010 at 12:36 pm
  • Reply Lynese

    Thinking of you, Sharon.

    January 28, 2010 at 1:17 pm
  • Reply Marina

    Sharon, may the next couple of weeks fly by for you so that you can continue to be happy with your new family without worrying anymore.

    Thinking of you.
    xxx

    January 28, 2010 at 1:26 pm
  • Reply Denise

    Sharon, I know what you mean. We have to wait 2 years before we can even apply for J’s adoption and every day is a worry. Six months down 18 to go!

    January 28, 2010 at 2:31 pm
  • Reply Mash

    I hope this is your last ever 2ww. Counting down for you, I think about it often.

    January 28, 2010 at 3:04 pm
  • Reply charne

    o my friend that 60 days is TERRBILE!!!! and the fear and worry is there!!!! obviously you have faith it wont happen but the fear stays there and every day as it gets closer you worry more…

    i know people mean well by saying not to worry (and i have told you that to) but its hard not to! its hard to continue to have faith after walkin the path you have…. but hang in there my friend… carry on working on pushing the negative thoughts aside for the next few weeks…

    hugs

    xxx

    January 28, 2010 at 3:56 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    Oh hon, it is so hard to get past the mental conditioning that so many years of joy and heartbreak give us. Praying for a quick passage of time between now and February 15th.

    January 28, 2010 at 5:25 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    While I haven’t personally shared in your adoption experience, I definitely understand that feeling that something bad will happen. It’s hard to overcome it when it’s all you know up until that point. I’m struggling now ever since our latest BFP. Every little feeling has me nervous and pleading with the Lord to make this time different.

    You have been through so much, friend. I hope and pray that this is a whole new chapter in your life, and that Feb 15th will soon be behind you with no more worries!

    January 28, 2010 at 8:20 pm
  • Reply jan

    I cant imagine what youre going through. o I just wanted to say Im thinking of you and praying for you, but I do believe that it will all be ok.

    January 28, 2010 at 9:22 pm
  • Reply Angela

    Shame Sharon, all I can suggest is that you keep yourself as busy as possible so that the next few weeks fly by. Thinking of you.

    January 29, 2010 at 8:36 am
  • Reply Beth

    Will be thinking of you lots, and hope the wait passes quickly and without any dramas…

    xxx

    January 29, 2010 at 12:08 pm
  • Reply Gwen

    I’ll be counting the days until 15 February with you.

    January 29, 2010 at 1:36 pm
  • Reply Pandora

    Sharon, I have been thinking about this a lot, and counting the days with you. I only started coming to adoption forums after we adopted, never before, and I am amazed that one can get so involved in someone’s story when you have never met them. There are a few that specially touched me, and yours was one of them. I never had to deal with the 60 days, we only got our LG after they were up, so although I am sad I missed the first 2 months of her life, I am also glad I did not have to live with that fear. I understand your position, as we discussed this a few days after we fetched her, and I would have been an absolute wreck. Many people still seem to think it takes longer to bond with and to love an adopted child. How wrong they are. It took us about 5 minutes, and I can see that happened to you too.
    But know there are so many of us to support you, and count with you. You are in my prayers.

    January 29, 2010 at 8:56 pm
  • Reply SCY

    I have a good feeling that all will be well, but I know that you will continue to worry and be anxious until the 15th arrives – and I think that is totally normal. Just know we are praying for the time to pass quickly and relatively peacefully.

    xxx

    January 30, 2010 at 2:29 pm
  • Reply WiseGuy

    I wish the ordeal would be finally over on Feb 15th. Something’s gotta change!

    That baby girl is yours…

    January 31, 2010 at 2:21 pm
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