5Weeks 6 Days & Hope

I’m 5weeks 6 days “pregnant” today, or rather I should have been,  instead this morning, I woke up to very bad cramps, the kind of cramps that come with a miscarriage, and bleeding, lots and lots of bleeding. Its hard to explain how I’m feeling, I’m relieved that the bleeding has started, I’m relieved that I can start putting this pregnancy behind me, I’m relieved that I don’t have to spend one more day walking around knowing that there was something dead inside me. But I’m also really sad, the last tiny flicker of hope is snuffed out with the start of the bleeding, the last tiny glimmer of the joy we experienced last week is now over, all I’m left with is termendous sadness and wondering where to from here. This miscarriage has occurred at exactly the same point as all my other miscarriages 5w6d, that’s pretty much as far as I’ve ever gotten, except for my first pregnancy.

But in the midst of all the sadness, I’ve been touched by some of the anonymous acts of kindness and love and gestures of support from so many.

A reader sent this to me the other day and it lifted my spirits and helped me feel encouraged. I won’t lie, I’m hurting badly at the moment, going through the motions of what grieving is… one moment I feel ok, the next I feel completley overwhelmed by sadness.  One moment I find myself laughing at a joke and the next I’m overwhelmed by sadness and tears, laughter seems to bring on bouts of hysterical sobbing, but I suppose it all has to come out somehow. But the most overwhelming emotion I feel at the moment is hopelessness and this email just reminded me that with time and healing, my hope will be reignited and I will be able to go on.

But I received this during a particularly difficult moment of my day on Tuesday, its an email about hope from www.silentgrief.com

Hope is not a weak sentiment, but it is a robust and

vigorous confidence built on knowing that we will

get through this trial of loneliness, separation, and

grief over our loss.  Shipwreck occurs following

a loss, but we don’t have to stay that way forever

thanks to the assurance of the living hope within us!

If you are feeling alone and lost today, don’t give

up!  Remember that just as the sun has risen to awaken

a new day, so will the hope that is asleep in you be

awakened to meet your needs for courage and the

will to go on to find your new normal in a world that

is now so different for you.

When you begin to falter, surround yourself with

nature and fill your heart and soul be renewed with

fresh hope!  Watch for the evening stars to light up

the dark sky, and know that the hope that is abiding

in you will light up your darkest night, also.

Trust.  Cast aside fear.  Remind yourself often that

you are not alone.  And, soon you will be filled

with new hope to carry you through!  –Clara Hinton

“Hope is that heroic step of throwing yourself into

total confidence in God.”  –Clara Hinton

“And now, Lord, for what do I wait?  My hope

is in Thee.”  –Psalm 39:7

October 22, 2009
Previous Post Next Post

18 Comments

  • Reply Chrisle-Dubai

    There is not much that anybody can say that will help with the pain, sadness, anger, frustration, that you are going through.For me it is always the hardest to know that I am the one going through this, everybody else around me can try to give me support but, I am the one that has to overcome it and that can make you feel so lonely. After my bloodtests showed ‘not pregnant’ I was emotionally devestated but, there were always that glimmer of hope that MAYBE the tests were wrong, maybe I am pregnant.But when my period starts it’s like a door closing behind me.With our last failed attempt my DH went to pick up the test results and said that he so wished that it could be anything but not zero again, just a one or two. It would still mean not pregnant but, that something happened and not just a another ZERO.I am so scared to try another cycle or FET, it feels like the embies are safer in the lab than when they are put back in the mothership.

    October 22, 2009 at 8:31 am
  • Reply Adel

    Ai Shaz,

    Thinking of you!

    October 22, 2009 at 9:14 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I’m thinking of you!

    October 22, 2009 at 9:20 am
  • Reply Jenny

    Ag babe. I’m thinking of you.

    October 22, 2009 at 10:07 am
  • Reply Abs

    Sorry to hear that it’s started Shaz. I Hope you are tucked up at home with a hot water bottle and your puppies snuggling up close to you. It seems that we live our lives waiting for those sporadic moments of happiness amidst moments of sadness. Right now it seems those happy moments are few and far between but just know that there will be lots of happy moments in your future and they will start to come more and more frequently as time goes on and you heal a bit more with each day. I’m hoping that the happy moments will one day outweigh the sad ones and you will find hope and happiness through one of the options you have open to you. Don’t let life’s chaos stop you. The possibilities that your life holds has no boundaries and I’ll be here to remind you of that when you are battling to see it for yourself. ((hugs))

    October 22, 2009 at 10:34 am
  • Reply Rach

    Thinking of you hon and hoping for a quick “recovery”

    xxxx

    October 22, 2009 at 10:54 am
  • Reply Hela

    Thinking of you as you go through this!

    Sending lots of thoughts and (((hugs))) your way!

    October 22, 2009 at 11:04 am
  • Reply Joni

    Dear Shaz!! Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers! Massive Hugs!! xxx

    October 22, 2009 at 12:01 pm
  • Reply Tam

    Thinking of you

    Hugs sweet friend xxx

    October 22, 2009 at 12:15 pm
  • Reply Sandy

    Hi Sharon,

    Beautiful! And it echoes the sentiment in this one, which is one of my favourites and I’ve been forwarding it to others that experience loss after they’ve had a chance to settle their grief a bit. It’s from my friend Renee’s blog at http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/. It may not be helpful at the moment, so file it away for when you feel a bit stronger. Huge hugs,

    Sandy

    The following was written by A. Powell Davies:

    When sorrow comes, let us accept it simply, as a part of life.
    Let the heart be open to pain; let it be stretched by it.
    All the evidence we have says that this is the better way.
    An open heart never grows bitter.
    Or if it does, it cannot remain so.

    In the desolate hour, there is an outcry; a clenching of the hands upon emptiness; a burning pain of bereavement; a weary ache of loss.

    But anguish, like ecstasy, is not forever.
    There comes a gentleness, a returning quietness, a restoring stillness.
    This, too, is a door to life.

    Here, also, is a deepening of meaning – and it can lead to dedication; a going forward to the triumph of the soul, the conquering of the wilderness. And in the process will come a deepening inward knowledge that in the final reckoning, all is well.

    October 22, 2009 at 12:20 pm
  • Reply Invivo

    Thinking of you on this difficult day as you mourn the loss of another dream-child and I pray for a new dawn of hope and dreams fulfilled for the future.

    Take care of your precious heart.

    October 22, 2009 at 3:53 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    Beautiful words. Thinking of you and praying for you today and in the days ahead.

    October 22, 2009 at 8:40 pm
  • Reply junebug

    (((Hugs!)))
    ICLW

    October 22, 2009 at 10:52 pm
  • Reply Kait

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m glad that beautiful email was meaningful to you in some way. I can’t really compete with that, so I’ll just say that my thoughts are with you in this very difficult time.

    October 22, 2009 at 11:37 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    {{{{Huge hugs}}}}…I am here if you need me.

    October 23, 2009 at 12:19 am
  • Reply Mrs. Gamgee

    Altho I am not a regular reader, I am still sending you ((hugs)), and prayers for peace and healing. I am so sorry for all you have been through.

    October 23, 2009 at 4:53 am
  • Reply karlinda

    I’m so sorry for you loss. I’ve been there, and it’s never easy to deal with. Most of mine ended about the same time, except for the first, which made it to 6 & 1/2 weeks.

    October 24, 2009 at 12:20 am
  • Reply monica lemoine

    Shaz, this is really sad and gutwretching. Blegh. I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been out of the blog-loop for a while and of course, am always hoping when I pop back over here that your news will be continued goodness, with no bad snags. This is a bad snag. I’m so sorry. Wishing you strength and lots of courage as you move forward and face the choices you have coming up. Thinking of you.

    October 26, 2009 at 7:41 am
  • I LOVE comments, leave yours here:

    You may also like

    %d bloggers like this: