I’m 5weeks 6 days “pregnant” today, or rather I should have been, instead this morning, I woke up to very bad cramps, the kind of cramps that come with a miscarriage, and bleeding, lots and lots of bleeding. Its hard to explain how I’m feeling, I’m relieved that the bleeding has started, I’m relieved that I can start putting this pregnancy behind me, I’m relieved that I don’t have to spend one more day walking around knowing that there was something dead inside me. But I’m also really sad, the last tiny flicker of hope is snuffed out with the start of the bleeding, the last tiny glimmer of the joy we experienced last week is now over, all I’m left with is termendous sadness and wondering where to from here. This miscarriage has occurred at exactly the same point as all my other miscarriages 5w6d, that’s pretty much as far as I’ve ever gotten, except for my first pregnancy.
But in the midst of all the sadness, I’ve been touched by some of the anonymous acts of kindness and love and gestures of support from so many.
A reader sent this to me the other day and it lifted my spirits and helped me feel encouraged. I won’t lie, I’m hurting badly at the moment, going through the motions of what grieving is… one moment I feel ok, the next I feel completley overwhelmed by sadness. One moment I find myself laughing at a joke and the next I’m overwhelmed by sadness and tears, laughter seems to bring on bouts of hysterical sobbing, but I suppose it all has to come out somehow. But the most overwhelming emotion I feel at the moment is hopelessness and this email just reminded me that with time and healing, my hope will be reignited and I will be able to go on.
But I received this during a particularly difficult moment of my day on Tuesday, its an email about hope from www.silentgrief.com
Hope is not a weak sentiment, but it is a robust and
vigorous confidence built on knowing that we will
get through this trial of loneliness, separation, and
grief over our loss. Shipwreck occurs following
a loss, but we don’t have to stay that way forever
thanks to the assurance of the living hope within us!
If you are feeling alone and lost today, don’t give
up! Remember that just as the sun has risen to awaken
a new day, so will the hope that is asleep in you be
awakened to meet your needs for courage and the
will to go on to find your new normal in a world that
is now so different for you.
When you begin to falter, surround yourself with
nature and fill your heart and soul be renewed with
fresh hope! Watch for the evening stars to light up
the dark sky, and know that the hope that is abiding
in you will light up your darkest night, also.
Trust. Cast aside fear. Remind yourself often that
you are not alone. And, soon you will be filled
with new hope to carry you through! –Clara Hinton
“Hope is that heroic step of throwing yourself into
total confidence in God.” –Clara Hinton
“And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope
is in Thee.” –Psalm 39:7
18 Comments
Chrisle-Dubai
October 22, 2009 at 8:31 amThere is not much that anybody can say that will help with the pain, sadness, anger, frustration, that you are going through.For me it is always the hardest to know that I am the one going through this, everybody else around me can try to give me support but, I am the one that has to overcome it and that can make you feel so lonely. After my bloodtests showed ‘not pregnant’ I was emotionally devestated but, there were always that glimmer of hope that MAYBE the tests were wrong, maybe I am pregnant.But when my period starts it’s like a door closing behind me.With our last failed attempt my DH went to pick up the test results and said that he so wished that it could be anything but not zero again, just a one or two. It would still mean not pregnant but, that something happened and not just a another ZERO.I am so scared to try another cycle or FET, it feels like the embies are safer in the lab than when they are put back in the mothership.
Adel
October 22, 2009 at 9:14 amAi Shaz,
Thinking of you!
Lea White
October 22, 2009 at 9:20 amI’m thinking of you!
Jenny
October 22, 2009 at 10:07 amAg babe. I’m thinking of you.
Abs
October 22, 2009 at 10:34 amSorry to hear that it’s started Shaz. I Hope you are tucked up at home with a hot water bottle and your puppies snuggling up close to you. It seems that we live our lives waiting for those sporadic moments of happiness amidst moments of sadness. Right now it seems those happy moments are few and far between but just know that there will be lots of happy moments in your future and they will start to come more and more frequently as time goes on and you heal a bit more with each day. I’m hoping that the happy moments will one day outweigh the sad ones and you will find hope and happiness through one of the options you have open to you. Don’t let life’s chaos stop you. The possibilities that your life holds has no boundaries and I’ll be here to remind you of that when you are battling to see it for yourself. ((hugs))
Rach
October 22, 2009 at 10:54 amThinking of you hon and hoping for a quick “recovery”
xxxx
Hela
October 22, 2009 at 11:04 amThinking of you as you go through this!
Sending lots of thoughts and (((hugs))) your way!
Joni
October 22, 2009 at 12:01 pmDear Shaz!! Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers! Massive Hugs!! xxx
Tam
October 22, 2009 at 12:15 pmThinking of you
Hugs sweet friend xxx
Sandy
October 22, 2009 at 12:20 pmHi Sharon,
Beautiful! And it echoes the sentiment in this one, which is one of my favourites and I’ve been forwarding it to others that experience loss after they’ve had a chance to settle their grief a bit. It’s from my friend Renee’s blog at http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/. It may not be helpful at the moment, so file it away for when you feel a bit stronger. Huge hugs,
Sandy
The following was written by A. Powell Davies:
When sorrow comes, let us accept it simply, as a part of life.
Let the heart be open to pain; let it be stretched by it.
All the evidence we have says that this is the better way.
An open heart never grows bitter.
Or if it does, it cannot remain so.
In the desolate hour, there is an outcry; a clenching of the hands upon emptiness; a burning pain of bereavement; a weary ache of loss.
But anguish, like ecstasy, is not forever.
There comes a gentleness, a returning quietness, a restoring stillness.
This, too, is a door to life.
Here, also, is a deepening of meaning – and it can lead to dedication; a going forward to the triumph of the soul, the conquering of the wilderness. And in the process will come a deepening inward knowledge that in the final reckoning, all is well.
Invivo
October 22, 2009 at 3:53 pmThinking of you on this difficult day as you mourn the loss of another dream-child and I pray for a new dawn of hope and dreams fulfilled for the future.
Take care of your precious heart.
Stacey
October 22, 2009 at 8:40 pmBeautiful words. Thinking of you and praying for you today and in the days ahead.
junebug
October 22, 2009 at 10:52 pm(((Hugs!)))
ICLW
Kait
October 22, 2009 at 11:37 pmI’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m glad that beautiful email was meaningful to you in some way. I can’t really compete with that, so I’ll just say that my thoughts are with you in this very difficult time.
Kristin
October 23, 2009 at 12:19 am{{{{Huge hugs}}}}…I am here if you need me.
Mrs. Gamgee
October 23, 2009 at 4:53 amAltho I am not a regular reader, I am still sending you ((hugs)), and prayers for peace and healing. I am so sorry for all you have been through.
karlinda
October 24, 2009 at 12:20 amI’m so sorry for you loss. I’ve been there, and it’s never easy to deal with. Most of mine ended about the same time, except for the first, which made it to 6 & 1/2 weeks.
monica lemoine
October 26, 2009 at 7:41 amShaz, this is really sad and gutwretching. Blegh. I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been out of the blog-loop for a while and of course, am always hoping when I pop back over here that your news will be continued goodness, with no bad snags. This is a bad snag. I’m so sorry. Wishing you strength and lots of courage as you move forward and face the choices you have coming up. Thinking of you.