Seven years of infertility and then suddenly (& thankfully) being thrust into motherhood really took it’s toll on me both emotionally and physically. At the time I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I felt frozen. Paralysed. Stuck. Unable to move forward and this in turn took it’s toll in many area’s of my life. My relationships suffered, most notably my relationship with my husband. There was a clear disconnect between us. I felt like I was stuck behind a glass wall, watching the world go by but unable to to interact with others on the other side of that wall. I was so paralysed behind the glass wall I was not even able to raise my arms and bang on the glass to call for help.
I was unable to interact as a fully functional human being in this state of disconnect. The only thing I was able to do was care for my baby. Everything else ceased. Ceased to exist, ceased to matter. My relationships crumble, my home fell apart, I became a terrible wife, friend, housekeeper and home-maker.
The clutter around our house piled up, baby clothing, long outgrown by Ava, still filled valuable cupboard space. Our pantry filled to the brim with food stuffs that we rapidly approaching their expiry date. Every nook and cranny in our house was filled with stuff. The more cluttered my life became, the more I felt trapped in a state of paralysis.
I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to entertain at home, I didn’t want to talk on the phone with anyone. An evening out took an effort of epic proportions. I just wanted to stay at home, caring for my baby and staring at the TV when she slept. I never read a book or watched a movie. It took every ounce of my self resolve to keep my eyes open past 7pm at night.
Walter became more and more anxious and annoyed by my lack of motivation for anything! Things went on like this for almost two years, me, only just functioning, just an empty shell.
Then I read about Post Placement Depression and finally managed to start getting the help I needed. The first step was going on a low dose Anti Depressant. Within a few weeks I started to feel a little more like my old self. My motivation and interest in things started slowly returning and I felt less frozen in time.
But the biggest turning point came in a way I had least anticipated. The sale of our house. In the weeks leading up to our move, I once again found myself paralysed. Not wanting to leave the space that held so many happy and even more sad memories. The home that we had brought Ava home to. The home where I had received the news and then subsequently lost 7 pregnancies. I cried for days before the move, not wanting to leave my babies behind. Feeling as though I had already failed them once and now here I was abandoning them again.
I had planned a ritual of the day of the move. I visualized in my mind how I would walk through each room, remember the moments of each pregnancy and bid those babies farewell. Then the morning of our move arrived and due to a royal cock up by the removal company the day did not pan out as I’d imagined and I never got to say goodbye to them.
I berated myself over failing them once again but then for some reason, I remember something the intuitive healer had told me when I’d seen her back in 2009. She had told me that by holding onto those unborn babies so tight, I was not only holding myself back but also preventing them from being able to move on.
The oddest thing is that moving house has literally forced me to let go of them and of my infertility and of everything we went through during our years of infertility. I feel as though I have been set free and in being set free I have also found myself again and my joie de vivre has been returned.
I am no longer paralysed. I am once again an active participant in my own life. My love and passion for cooking, baking and entertaining has returned. My interest in the world around me has returned. I feel a passion for life again, a passion that has been silent for so long, I all but forgot about it. I’m excited and motivated for each day.
I am no longer looking behind be but finally I’m able to look ahead.
And with this new found joie de vivre everything else in my life seems to be falling back into place. My friendships are stronger than ever before. The fun factor is back 150%. My daughter things I’m the funniest person on the planet. My home is neat and tidy and filled with the smells of interesting foods being cooked. I no longer crash in front of the TV at 7pm, Walter now comments that I’ve become quite the night owl, now able to stay up until 11pm every night, reading, writing, researching and offering support to others on the same path as me.
But most importantly, I can quite confidently say that my husband and I are more in love today than what we have been at any point in our 12 year relationship and 10 year marriage. I am so proud of us. There were times when things got really tough, there were times when neither of us thought our marriage was going to make it. But we toughed it out, we stuck together, even when we didn’t like each other, we worked hard and we never gave up on each other and we made it!
Sometimes a change is as good as a holiday, or rather, in my case the change was exactly what I needed to get my groove back!
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