HPT Anonymous??!!

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The torture has begun!

Even though I have told myself, and anyone willing to listen that I do not actually care if I get a BFP this cycle, the truth is, that’s a total lie. Of course I care, I care so much its become an obsession. My other favorite piece of internal dialogue currently is: “I don’t think this cycle has worked” but of course I would not be a true infertile if I actually believed that. No, hope reigns supreme in me! I wish it didn’t, it might make this all easier to cope with, but there’s still that little bit of hope in me, that little bit that refuses to believe failure until that ugly fat lady sings.

I’ve had a rather interesting week of symptom watching, am I or aren’t I obsessing. I’ve gotten sooo good at hiding it that I bet nobody even notices, aside from my fellow infertiles who would recognize the signs of a desperate infertile anywhere! I’ve actually been excited by the fact that I’ve felt so yuck this week. I’ve battled insomnia, headaches and tummy troubles since CD20 and that makes me happy!! FREAK!!! This cycle is also first of my many planned rebellion cycles. NO more clinics, no more FS’s, no more dildo cam’s, no more injections, no more medications, no more early morning rushes to the clinic. NO MORE!

So as part of my symptom watching/obsessing, you will of course all know what I have done? I toddled off to Dischem two days ago and bought 4 HPT’s ala Maritzastyle. My cupboard is now also stocked with a bunch of stuff I don’t actually need but felt I had to buy in order to hide the boxes of HPT’s buried at the bottom of the basket! At this point, let me just say SORRY HARTJIE, I know you get cross cos you say I waste money on these things, but please understand, they have so much power over me, I can’t contol myself! 🙁 Of course, today being CD24, I have POAS twice a day since my hidden purchase and of course its far too early to ever get any kind of reliable result, so of course, they have all been BFN’s! 🙁 But that has not stopped me from staring at them, from looking at them in ever kind of light, from turning them this way and that way, and chucking them in the bin and then running back to get them out of the bin and examining them again for the slighest hint of a second line. Do you see how they control me??

I’ll have to make a plan for a second shopping trip as I’ve now finished all my HPT’s and there is NO WAY I can make it through the next 4 days without POAS! NO way’s I can wait for AF to arrive with out POAS! The compulsion/obsession is so strong that I’ve actually begun thinking I need to join a support group, something like AA or NA but for HPT addicts!

Hi. My name is Sharon and I’m an HPT addict!

For my non Infertile readers, family and friends, please go to Fertilicare for the explanations of the acronyms used in this post.

June 26, 2008
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5 Comments

  • Reply Michelle

    Oh Shaz in this never ending bleak world we infertiles live in you still have the ability to make me roar with laughter. Seeing myself in you and exactly the same stresses and worries. I’m also on CD26 today and although I haven’t done a POAS yet(!) – can’t help wondering if AF will arrive this weeekend or not . And how is that going to make me feel? I know our chances this cycle were slim but to quote you” never giving up hope”. All it takes is ONE dear little swimmer to make it – is that so bloody difficult?? Think someone should invent some exercises for the buggers to do to get fit for their Baby-making Olympics!!
    Just can’t seem to find any syptoms in myself yet and desparately looking for something – anything just to get some idea.. Don’t even have AF symptoms so wondering how screwed up my cycle really is……….. Hang in there Skattie – we in this together. Thank God I have you and the forum to keep me sane!!

    June 26, 2008 at 10:17 am
  • Reply Maritza

    I promised myself I would only POAS tomorrow, but this morning I just couldn’t waste a perfect FMP! How could anyone waste a perfect FMP at 5dp5dt? It would be a crying shame!

    June 26, 2008 at 11:27 am
  • Reply Sharon

    Maritza, I so agree with you there. As I sat on the throne this morning I realized what I was wasting, had to cut it off, knype and jump up to rummage through the cabinet for my last precious HPT! The FMP is another integral part of an infertiles life that nobody will ever understand. 🙂

    June 26, 2008 at 11:36 am
  • Reply samcy

    Erm, am I *the* only infertile out there who does not get the whole POAS thing?

    Super M – the pee of this morning begs the question… one line or two?

    June 26, 2008 at 2:08 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Hey Sharon, You’ve described the whole HPT thing and internal dialogue to a T!!! And I’m so hoping we’ll hear good news from you and M within the next couple of weeks!

    June 26, 2008 at 4:58 pm
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