I Feel So Judged

Posted in motherhood by

Sjoe! After reading Chopper’s blog last night, I should NEVER have clicked over to the article referred to on the Calora Brands Face Book page. Wow, what a storm in a tea cup. And the thing that amazed me, aside from the disgusting self-important-holier-than-though-judgement was the ignorance. The people making the most noise were the ones who have never even tried it!

So what am I referring to? Ferberization or CIO (Cry It Out), which I would just like to, for the record, state that I am a firm believer in! While I realize its not for everyone and certainly not suitable for all babies, it worked like a charm for Ava and for us and we have not looked back, its the greatest gift I have given my child thus far and of course a gift to Walter and I as well. We used the Baby-Love method and it was not the violent, neglegtful, abusive process that people think it is.

My child never once vomited from the angst of being left to cry. Nor did I ever let her cry for longer than a few minutes at a time without going in to comfort her. Obviously sleep training is not something a parent does when you child is sick or teething. And each time you return to the room, while comforting them, you always check to make sure they’re not too hot or too cold or have a dirty nappy. When doing CIO, you always check on your babies comfort first to ensure that they are not crying because they’re sick, hungry, have a dirty nappy or are too hot or too cold.  I think some parents forget that a babies only way to communicate their pain, fear, anger to us is to cry. I knew within days of Ava’s birth when she was crying because she was hungry, when she wasn’t feeling well and when she was angry. And trust me, the crying she did during the 2 days it took us to practice and perfect the CIO method, she cried because she was downright pissed off. Its also not a process that takes weeks or months. It took 2 days the first time and after she cut her first two teeth a couple of bad habits started forming and it took one CIO session to revert back to good sleeping habits.

In addition, I believe we are in the process of raising a very happy, confident and well balanced little girl. Ava has thrived since birth. She has met and achieved all her milestones on target and has always been a pleasant child to be around and why is that? Because she has a routine, because she knows what to expect and when to expect it, because there are no unnecessary surprises in her day. Because she sleeps WELL and regularly. She is well rested and never over stimulated or over tired and as a result we rarely ever have to deal with a miserable and difficult toddler. She certainly does not have any separation anxiety issues because she has learned that if mommy or daddy leave, they always come back.

We have been having full night sleeps since Ava was 12 weeks old! Her CIO training took 2 days and the CIO was only required for her day time naps, never at night time and was never left unattended to cry for hours on end, contrary to what some people think CIO is.

I suppose a lot of where one stands on this issue is based on the type of mother one is. I have blogged before about my mother style, and I have maintained from the beginning, especially because I am raising a girl, that I want to raise my child by being an example to her. I want Ava to know that when she is a mother one day, she is not required to be a slave to her children and that she is entitled to still take care of herself. I could never be the type of mother who has to spend hours lying in bed with her toddler at night trying to get them to sleep, or have their child sleep in their bed with them. Don’t get me wrong, if it works for you that’s fine, but its just not ever going to work for me.

And at the end of the day I can quite smugly say…. the next time one of those judgy-holier-than-thou-mothers complains about how tired they are, I’ll just smirk to myself knowing that I have a well adjusted, happy, thriving child, who has been armed with the most basic of life skills by being able to fall asleep by herself and that we are getting full nights sleep every night!

 

April 7, 2011
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10 Comments

  • Reply Scared & Imperfect Mother

    I firmly believe in CIO. With my first child she was sickly and I tried it as a last resort even if she was sick after 2 years of never having a full nights rest and it did not work.

    With Lorelai from dy 1 i was very firm, she never slept in our bed and she had a very strict routine. It was blist. At 5 months her dad desided to change things and let her slepp when he feels like it and no more routine “he believed she was little and we can worry about that later”

    When the kids and I moved bakc to my parents. i decided that I will start on a routine again. CIO took 5 days but now my daughter’s lives are much more balanced.

    The point im trying to make is that I’m with you on this one. I get a full nights rest every night and my kids are happy.

    Good on you.

    April 7, 2011 at 9:45 am
  • Reply Christelle

    Could not agree with you more.

    I was one of those mom’s who would look at you and think “How can you just let your child cry like that?”, but I had to eat a lovely helping of crow when putting Zani to sleep became a chore.

    I used to rock her to sleep after she had her bottle and at a certain stage she was not having any of that. I was at my wits end! Putting her to sleep took me at least 1 hour each night and then she would wake during the night (3 – 4 times).

    At one stage I just could not go on like this and thought to myself that there must be some reason why other moms follow the CIO method. I tried it and have never looked back!

    The first night she cried for 4min 37sec and then she slept through the night. The second night she cried for 48sec and slept straight through again. The third night she did not cry, only gave me a smile when I laid her down and slept straight through again. We have been sleeping (all of us) straight through for the last 2 months and it has been bliss!

    We are still struggling with the day time naps over weekends, but during the week there is no problem.

    I want to reiterate the advice you gave me the other day…..who needs the haters anyway!

    April 7, 2011 at 10:10 am
  • Reply marina1605

    Agree, agree, agree. I used to put Claudio in his cot and stand over the cot patting him till he fell asleep. This could take anything up to an hour and besides my back taking a lot of strain, it was just exhausting and left me with very little time to do anything else. Also, getting a babysitter was not easy as they would have to do the same and it didn’t always work with them. So, when he turned 1yr old, I said ‘enough’! The first night he cried for just over 4 minutes {with me checking and comforting him every minute}, and each night after that got less and less, till 4 nights later, silence! And boy, was it golden. Now, I sing him a lullaby, give him a little cuddle, put him down, say ‘goodnight’ and walk out. He puts himself to sleep and we only see him the next morning. Wonderful! There has been the odd occasion while teething that he’s been a bit restless during the night and woken up a couple of times, but other than that we’ve all had a full nights sleep. I tell you, sleep-training and getting a PVR are the 2 best things I’ve done since Claudio was born. 🙂

    April 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm
  • Reply TJ

    Sharon, don’t feel judged. I think if it’s not us judging ourselves, it’s someone else judging us. I’m NOT a CIO mother. I did let our son sleep in bed with us when he woke up at midnight. I was too exhausted to slave away at getting my child to sleep. I however have tried the CIO method and it didn’t work for me or my boy. As you said – it doesnt’work for everyone. Though I never place any guilt on a mother for trying it and getting it right. The same way I see discipline. I see no harm in a hiding if mom/dad are in control of themselves and their frustration/anger. I don’t believe in smacking a child in anger at all. So yes, my lb gets hidings (not often) coz even so young – he has selective hearing and is really testing his boundaries.

    As you said the CIO method isn’t for everyone – The Sleep Seperation Technique really worked well for me and before I knew it my lb who was never the best sleeper – was falling asleep no problems. And now stays asleep – my bed is mine!

    I think in general we all have very strong opinions based on the experience we’ve had or the techniques, products, etc we use. And there’s nothing wrong with it. But its sad how as mothers many of our opinions are very scathing towards others – instead of encouraging and uplifting one another. I guess we are human after all and with it comes the nastiness. I mean there’s no harm in an opinion or advice – but the Mother will always choose what she feels is the best route for her and for her child.

    I’m a very anal mother, but I don’t frown on mothers that aren’t.

    Perhaps mothers are so judgemental because they don’t want to admit when they cán’t get it right? or when they struggle? We rather be supermom than admit to needing support?

    April 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm
  • Reply orbit365

    I don’t know why people judge something that they don’t fully understand. I am jealous of Moms who can use CIO and succeed. I’ve tried but am a softie and can’t cope with the screams.

    April 7, 2011 at 7:58 pm
  • Reply Hanneke C

    Sharon, I soo with you on this one! I have now learned not to say anything when mothers complain (again!!) that they are sleep deprived! I have used a similar method for all the girls and they have slept through from very early on! The world DOES NOT revolve around kids no matter how cute or upset they are! It makes life soo much easier and nicer if the kids know boundaries!

    PS Crying does tug on the heart strings but GET OVER IT! (not you :)) it is for the best of your child, honestly! Don’t even get me started on behaviour of children!

    April 8, 2011 at 12:58 am
  • Reply To Love Bella

    I’m with Jools!! Am way too soft. Although I kinda semi-tried it on Wednesday night. Didn’t last long though.
    I was, quite honestly, stunned at alot of the comments being thrown around on that posting, Sharon. It was quite ugly. Not to mention unnecessary.

    April 8, 2011 at 6:55 am
  • Reply mayflowerladybugs

    With you too! I have always said that if a baby needs to learn to eat, walk, use the potty ect, why would sleep be any different? My kids all responded well to sleep treining, and like you I have happy, relaxed girls who go to bed at 7 and sleep till 7 giving me a chance to recharge as well! Yes it certainly isn’t for all kids (Olivia does not respond that well, luckily she is a naturally good sleeper) but for those it does work for, it works wonders!

    April 8, 2011 at 8:57 am
  • Reply pandoragelb

    I have never had to use CIO, as I also mentioned in Chopper’s blog, I don’t mind spending the 15 minutes with her that it takes for her to fall asleep each night. And she has slept through from about 4 month, through illness, teething etc. The few times she does wake up, I dont mind if I do have to put her in bed with us just so I can lie down. I also hear mothers moan about the lack of sleep, and I just say ‘Really? Shame you must be exhausted!’ I don’t offer any advice. Each child is different, and so they need to be treated as such.
    I love my sleep, so if I had had to find a way of making her go to sleep or sleeping through, I would have tried anything on offer!
    Seriously here is sooo much info out there, I just find what I think could work for us, and for the rest its instinct! So far so good.

    April 9, 2011 at 4:56 pm
  • Reply mrssee2

    Being new to all of this, I have to admit that the CIO method is working well for us too.
    It is fairly easy to tell when crying is a tantrum and when crying is because something is wrong.

    But my question would be, when the child is sick or there really is a problem, how do you deal with it? Do you take the kid to your room, do you sleep in their room or what? We had that problem last weekend and had no idea how to deal with it, ended up with him on the floor in our room.

    April 11, 2011 at 10:54 am
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