I’ve just had an “aha” moment. I got the answer to my questions yesterday from the most unlikely source.
Thank you to everyone that commented on my blog yesterday, I so appreciate and respect all your points of view. But even after reading everyone’s responses yesterday, I still had questions about this topic. I did feel comforted by your various points of view, its just that I still didn’t feel like I had THE answer. If that makes any sense. I spent a lot of time thinking about this last night and I must be honest, all that did was raise even more question marks in my mind about all of this. One of the conclusions I have come to is that I clearly have issues with self forgiveness and I’m clearly a lot harder on myself than I am on others. How arrogant of me! To expect way more of myself than of what I do of others, to set the standard for what is acceptable so much higher for myself than I do for others, exactly who the hell do I think I am!!!??? But of course, this is another topic for a later blog posting, something I think I need to spend more time thinking about before I can articulate properly what I mean. Or perhaps I should just stop thinking! 🙂
But I did get an answer to my question of “reaping what we sow” versus “shit happens”. I logged onto Mel’s Lost & Found Connections Abound blog this morning and read the section where she mentioned Jen from The Tale Of Two Coins, who not only has just a short 3 weeks ago lost her darling husband, but has also just received the devastating news that she is having a miscarriage. Please all go over to her spot and show some love. I was gobsmacked by her posting. By the fact that she can stand so tall under the strain of so much loss. I could feel the tears burning in my eyes as I tried to imagine what she must be going through right now, how she must be feeling. A miscarriage is devastating enough on its own, but loosing your husband, Oh my God, its too overwhelming to even think about. And to have to go through both of these tragedies at the same time its just too overwhelming for me to even think about. I cannot, for fear, imagine what it must be like to loose your husband. And to know that you are pregnant with a little peace of him only to hear that the pregnancy is ending in miscarriage, well that would be just too much for me to bare.
And it was the that I had my “aha” moment. There is NO WAY anybody could possibly deserve this, there is nothing one could have done to deserve being stripped of everything you hold dear, of having your heart and soul torn open like that. This isn’t about “reaping what you sow” this is so about “shit happening”. And I definitely don’t mean to sound flippant about this or disrespectful to Jen’s loss in anyway.
Isn’t it amazing how the answers can come to us from the most unlikely sources or situations?
I just realized that looking for reasons why these things happen is a waste of energy and time, that perhaps trying to rationalize these things, find meaning in them or make them go away is not the point. Perhaps, what I should be doing, what I’m trying to do is just live through it. Which then confirms my other belief, the one thought that has kept me going through my infertility, the one thing I remind myself of: “This to shall end”. I suppose we don’t always know how things will end, but the ending is there, maybe even just around the corner, maybe next week, or next year. Only God knows the answer to that. But the point is that perhaps I should stop trying to look for ways to make it end quicker. Maybe I should learn to trust in God’s perfect plan for me, to breathe through each painful moment, but to have faith that it will end.
On another topic, W’s business trip has gone from bad to worse! Ever heard of Deli Belly? Well he has the Rwanda version, its called Kigali Allie (arse/bum) and its when you sit on the toilet with a bucket on your lap. The poor guy has been as sick as a dog!! Shame baby!