I Got My Answer!

I’ve just had an “aha” moment. I got the answer to my questions yesterday from the most unlikely source.

Thank you to everyone that commented on my blog yesterday, I so appreciate and respect all your points of view. But even after reading everyone’s responses yesterday, I still had questions about this topic. I did feel comforted by your various points of view, its just that I still didn’t feel like I had THE answer. If that makes any sense. I spent a lot of time thinking about this last night and I must be honest, all that did was raise even more question marks in my mind about all of this. One of the conclusions I have come to is that I clearly have issues with self forgiveness and I’m clearly a lot harder on myself than I am on others. How arrogant of me! To expect way more of myself than of what I do of others, to set the standard for what is acceptable so much higher for myself than I do for others, exactly who the hell do I think I am!!!??? But of course, this is another topic for a later blog posting, something I think I need to spend more time thinking about before I can articulate properly what I mean. Or perhaps I should just stop thinking! 🙂

But I did get an answer to my question of “reaping what we sow” versus “shit happens”. I logged onto Mel’s Lost & Found Connections Abound blog this morning and read the section where she mentioned Jen from The Tale Of Two Coins, who not only has just a short 3 weeks ago lost her darling husband, but has also just received the devastating news that she is having a miscarriage. Please all go over to her spot and show some love. I was gobsmacked by her posting. By the fact that she can stand so tall under the strain of so much loss. I could feel the tears burning in my eyes as I tried to imagine what she must be going through right now, how she must be feeling. A miscarriage is devastating enough on its own, but loosing your husband, Oh my God, its too overwhelming to even think about. And to have to go through both of these tragedies at the same time its just too overwhelming for me to even think about. I cannot, for fear, imagine what it must be like to loose your husband. And to know that you are pregnant with a little peace of him only to hear that the pregnancy is ending in miscarriage, well that would be just too much for me to bare.

And it was the that I had my “aha” moment. There is NO WAY anybody could possibly deserve this, there is nothing one could have done to deserve being stripped of everything you hold dear, of having your heart and soul torn open like that. This isn’t about “reaping what you sow” this is so about “shit happening”. And I definitely don’t mean to sound flippant about this or disrespectful to Jen’s loss in anyway.

Isn’t it amazing how the answers can come to us from the most unlikely sources or situations?

I just realized that looking for reasons why these things happen is a waste of energy and time, that perhaps trying to rationalize these things, find meaning in them or make them go away is not the point. Perhaps, what I should be doing, what I’m trying to do is just live through it. Which then confirms my other belief, the one thought that has kept me going through my infertility, the one thing I remind myself of: “This to shall end”.  I suppose we don’t always know how things will end, but the ending is there, maybe even just around the corner, maybe next week, or next year. Only God knows the answer to that. But the point is that perhaps I should stop trying to look for ways to make it end quicker. Maybe I should learn to trust in God’s perfect plan for me, to breathe through each painful moment, but to have faith that it will end.

On another topic, W’s business trip has gone from bad to worse! Ever heard of Deli Belly? Well he has the Rwanda version, its called Kigali Allie (arse/bum) and its when you sit on the toilet with a bucket on your lap. The poor guy has been as sick as a dog!! Shame baby!

September 10, 2008
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11 Comments

  • Reply Murgdan

    I’m glad you got your answers, Sharon. Jen’s blog story broke my heart though. It’s something I think about daily, so much so that I might seem paranoid.

    But working in the ER I’ve seen more loss than I care to imagine. Loss of husbands, mothers, fathers, boyfriends, girlfriends, babies, miscarriage. I once saw a woman lose her husband and son in one day. Terrible things. I think my world view is slightly tainted towards the negative…but I find myself constantly thinking, like she said, today could be the last day you see ________. Touching. Heartwrenching.

    It’s good to put it all in perspective.

    I thought a lot about your question again yesterday. I thought and thought and thought about a lot of things yesterday. But it’ll make for some new blog postings in the next week…so I’ll just leave it at that.

    September 10, 2008 at 1:41 pm
  • Reply Amanda

    Sharon, your 2 (I missed yesterday) posts are thought provoking. The whole sowing and reaping issue has also crossed my mind. Why this? Why me? What have I done? I have realised though, that throughout all my (14) years living with this disease and my sister’s battles to have a baby, that these questions can drive one mad, or to lots of wine!! I don’t believe it’s sowing and reaping, I like to believe that God puts us on our own seperate journey’s in life, and to take the good with the bad. As difficult or near impossible as that is. I also believe that bad things happen to good people, or as you put it, shit happens. Noone deserves, this, everyone is special and precious and deserves to have happiness, whatever that happiness is. Our past lives, are in the past, and God forgives and forgets. You are so strong and amazing, I salute you!

    September 10, 2008 at 2:09 pm
  • Reply samcy

    Shaz, you are so right – this whole thing is 100% about “shit happening”… Jen’s story just broke my heart!

    You are a strong amazing woman who deserves only the best in life… Love ya!

    xxx

    September 10, 2008 at 3:41 pm
  • Reply charne

    sorry to hear that W is so sick :(( poor guy
    hope you ok home alone, i hate been home alone! way to scary for me…

    look after yourself

    xxx

    September 10, 2008 at 3:47 pm
  • Reply deerdv

    Oh my word – my heart is aching for Jen, Im still in shock.

    But yes, thats what I mean how can anyone deserve such pain and suffering? It just doesnt seem right.

    September 10, 2008 at 3:55 pm
  • Reply Katie

    I don’t care that you got your aha moment. I have been writing my answer to yesterdays blog in my head the last 24 hours, so you’re going to get it no matter what once I get home (if my internet is working)!!! Glad you’re feeling better though hehe

    September 10, 2008 at 4:44 pm
  • Reply Monica

    Poor W! Yes, I’ve done the liquid-coming-out-of-me-at-both-ends-simultaneously thing and it is NOT fun. Once in India, and once in Mexico. Blegh!

    OK, glad you found your answer. I’ll refer back to this post when I’m going thru another WHY ME phase, soon to happen sooner or later.

    September 10, 2008 at 5:57 pm
  • Reply Kirsty Weaver

    Eureka! Yay!! You got your answer. Only read both posts now – but I def believe in Karma!! And when I see someone being ugly, I just smile and think: It’s coming back to bite YOU baby!!
    However – infertility, illness and loss have nothing to do with karma! Karma doesn’t extend beyond 1 person. And infertility, illness and loss do. Because the pain from the 3 above is felt by more than just the individual experiencing it.
    I don’t have any answers – but I agree that you probably do self reflect too hardly on yourself and spread your compassion to everyone except yourself!!
    So – my advice is – pour yourself a large glass of wine, sit down and tell yourself to stop giving you a hard time!
    Cheers!!

    September 10, 2008 at 7:26 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Finally I’ve got internet!!!
    So glad you got your answer! Jen’s story is very sad. I’m heartbroken for her. Hope W feels like a new person soon!

    xx

    September 10, 2008 at 9:05 pm
  • Reply keystoclaritycoach

    Hi Sharon,
    Wow, you’ve been blogging up a storm! I don’t know how I missed it! (until now) Thanks for mentioning Jenny’s blog – very sad.
    I am glad you are finding some answers too. Its interesting because it got me thinking about how we all as human beings grow through our experiences, and through suffering and pain, if we choose to look at the experience in a certain way. Of course when you are in the middle of it, the tunnel seems so dark, that there is no end to it… but the light always appears and then after that realisations and awakenings. I posted on Jen’s blog about the idea that if we are souls or spirits that have an agreement with God, to come here to learn something with each lifetime, and that we choose the life, and therefore the experiences we will have, to be able to get the learning that we came for, then the suffering is part of that. MMMmmm food for thought. I think to a degree Shit Happens, but if we focus on the shit, it’ll bring more of it to us…so being able to let go of it and move on to the wonderful things we all have in our lives is paramount to creating more of it! Law of attraction here we come! So the key is to stop thinking about the shit stuff….Speaking of…how is hubbie doing? Funnily enough the only time I ever had that was twice, living in SA. (shit happens!..ha ha)
    Are you taking care of yourself? Invite a friend over to stay for a few days, so you’re not on your own.

    inquisitively yours,
    Coach Louise Crooks

    September 11, 2008 at 2:51 am
  • Reply Zay

    READ AL QURAN The final revelation of God.May God guide us all to the straight path…O mankind if ye hav doubt about the Resurrection considr that we created u out of dust, then out of sperm, then out of a leech-like clot,then out of a morsel of flesh, partly formed and partly unformed (miscarriage), in order that We(God)Ye may manifest our Power over to you (Surah 22 v 5) Ye shall certainly be tried and tested in ur possesin and in ur personal selves but if ye persevere patiently and guard against evil then that wil be the determining factor in all affairs (surah 3 v 186) Nor can a soul die except by Gods leave,The term being fixed as by writing (surah 3 v 145)

    September 11, 2008 at 8:40 pm
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