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I Had A Son

I had a son. I was his mom and he was my son. He was ours. And for a very short time, we loved him. For a very short time, he was part of our family.

Then his birth mother retracted consent and we had to give him back. 

I don’t often think of Baby K. It’s too painful. But the other day I stumbled across his photo and the pain of his loss came rushing back. 

It’s odd how life works. That we can bury pain and trauma and then one day it comes at us like a sucker punch to the gut. Seeing Baby K’s photo was like that. A sucker punch that left me doubled over and gasping for breath. It left me tearful for days afterwards, trying to sort through all my emotions. 

The hardest part is not knowing what happened to him. He’d be around four years old now. I think one of the biggest reasons I’ve shut down the thoughts of him is all the not knowing. All the what if’s…. they’ll drive me over the edge of my sanity if I have to spend any time thinking about the what if’s….

Is he loved.

Is he safe.

Is he warm.

Is he fed.

Is cuddled.

Adoption is hard… for so many reasons and it’s not the ones you think. 

 

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13 Comments

  • Reply udeshan

    I agree with you totally. We also had those emotions with both our girls. I think it is meant for me to be a boy mommy. I constantly think of them. Our girls would be 5 (April) and 3 (October) years. Lots of hugs

    April 11, 2016 at 8:05 am
    • Reply Sharon

      I am so sorry for your loss Udeshan! I really hope that you arms are filled permanently soon!

      April 11, 2016 at 8:45 am
  • Reply catjuggles

    I remember that tie so well. We all felt just a little bit of your loss and sadness. I am so sorry this happened to you and I can imagine how hard it must be just to think of him.

    April 11, 2016 at 8:42 am
  • Reply Chereen Strydom

    Sending you so much love, Sharon. Can’t even begin to imagine what losing your little boy must have felt like. You have been through to many mama losses – it’s not fair! x

    April 11, 2016 at 9:37 am
  • Reply SuzannaCatherine

    Sending you love and abiding with you.

    April 11, 2016 at 10:41 am
  • Reply moonstormer

    *biggest hugs*
    I can’t even imagine what that’s like. so devastating. sending you tons of love.

    April 11, 2016 at 11:01 am
  • Reply ChevsLife

    So sorry to hear that you’ve experienced the unimaginable loss of a child. Send you a big hug!

    April 11, 2016 at 2:27 pm
  • Reply Cassey Toi

    Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg hugs.

    April 11, 2016 at 6:18 pm
  • Reply Sharleen Deacon

    Sending caring warm hugs xx

    April 12, 2016 at 10:04 pm
  • Reply Karabo

    Currently going through that. Today the birth mom withdrew consent! She was supposed to be placed tomorrow

    May 3, 2016 at 8:28 pm
    • Reply Sharon

      I am so sorry Karabo. I know your pain. Sending love…..

      May 4, 2016 at 9:00 am
      • Reply Karabo

        When did you know your are ready to go ahead with another adoption? And how did you help Ava with the loss? My soon to be four girl cannot comprehend. She is busy saying she was ours first. So she should come home. She saw her sister most of the time during bonding weeks

        May 4, 2016 at 11:08 am
        • Reply Sharon

          It was really hard & Ava acted out for a while afterwards, she became quite aggressive, which I think relates mostly to her confusion. But with time and reassurance, she came around. Hannah was placed a year after we lost Kyle.

          May 4, 2016 at 1:38 pm

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