I’m on CD26 today, have not POAS, squeezed my boobs till they hurt, got excited over the mild bout of nausea experienced on Sunday or thought anything odd about the fact that I’ve been so tired the last few days I just want to sleep.
In fact, I couldn’t careless about POAS, I have accepted that HPT’s are designed to drive infertile women crazy and will no longer allow myself to give in to their allure, I know that the level of sensitivity of my boobs is nothing more than them having a good laugh at me, I know that the reason for my nausea on Sunday was as a result of a 13 hour car drive coupled with the copious amounts of “pad kos” (road food) consumed during that 13 hour drive. I also know that the reason for my extreme exhaustion is a mixture of raw emotions from leaving my Boo combined with just way too much fun on my short vacation last week.
I just realized it, I’m a Veteran Barbie! Now, for starters you’re halfway to being a Veteran Barbie if you know what all my abbreviations are above and can relate to my totally nonchalant attitude regarding my 2ww, if you don’t, Chances are you’re Newbie or Joiner Barbie. Don’t know what a Veteran/Newbie/Joiner Barbie are? Then chances are you haven’t read one of the greatest books ever written by one of our fellow IF sisters, Tertia. If you haven’t read So Close I’d highly recommend it, I have never read a book in one day or cried so much while reading a book and yet been able to relate to almost every situation being described in the book.
Anyway, to find out more about the different types of IF Barbie, then go here. I read about the various types of IF Barbie years ago and found it hard to imagine what it must be like to be Veteran Barbie, but this morning I realized I AM Veteran Barbie. Veteran Barbie is NOT about how many IVF’s you’ve had, she’s NOT about how many treatments/procedures/miscarriages you’ve had. She’s totally about attitude, she is a survivor with a survivors attitude, sometimes jaded and cynical, but mostly up beat and positive, despite her situation. This is how Tertia described her:
Veteran Barbies are not at all related to the Barbies above. Veteran Barbies are the Anti-Barbie. They are a whole lot plumper than the Newbie Barbies, less perky (in boobs and attitude), have grayer hair, a largely negative and over-drawn bank balance, plenty of bruises and marks and a slightly cynical attitude. They are dressed in comfy track pants with elasticated waistbands. Their accessories include a wealth of knowledge of reproductive procedures and protocol, the ability to practically do their own cycle, a snarky attitude, little tolerance for stupidity, a well defined sense of humor, the ability to laugh at themselves, a fondness for wine/beer/crack and a aversion to pineapple, baby dust and Newbie Barbies. This aversion in its more severe form can be allergic and acerbic. Veteran Barbies tend to swear quite a bit (especially when playing in the Barbie House with Newbie Barbies and Pregnant Newbie Barbies) and parental guidance is advised.
Me, plumper? Check
Me, less perky in boobs and positive attitude towards treatment? Double check
Ok, I dont’ have the gray hairs, but I think that’s due to a combination of good genes and being a blonde, they’re harder to notice.
Me, negative and over-drawn bank balance? Check! Still trying to recover from the R300K spent in the last 4 years of treatment.
Me, bruised and marked? Check, both physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.
I can even relate to Veteran Barbie’s wardrobe, after all, its extremely important when going for a scan that you are wearing pants and a pair of knickers that can quickly be ripped off, and yanked back on again. Comfort is extremely important when walking around with ovaries so swollen it feels like they may burst open. And yes, sometimes I feel like I’m practically a qualified RE myself, I reckon I could give myself scans, perhaps just need to be a bit more supple to use the dildo stick and check the screen at the same time, but hell, I know what’s going on on that screen. I also know how to interpret my own blood test results. Do I have a sense of humour about it all? Hell yes, after years of disappointment and heart ache I’ve learnt that I have two choices, I can either sit around and cry and feel sorry for myself which is not going to get me anywhere and just make me miserable or I can just laugh it off and keep moving ahead. I have definitely rekindled my love of wine, something I thought I’d lost somewhere during my mid 20’s, its return with great gusto in my mid 30’s, in fact I reckon I could teach a few 20 year olds a thing or two about a good party these days. I cringe when I hear the word baby dust and I do find newbie barbie and pregnant newbie barbie trying on my patience. I guess mostly because they’re so shiny and new and full of optimism, something I lost along the way to becoming Veteran Barbie.
But you know what? Veteran Barbie is actually a really cool chic! She’s loves a good party, can always be relied on for a quick sarcastic comeback, stands by her friends regardless of where they are on their IF journeys and will go out of her way to offer support, even the times when it may hurt her hardened heart just a little bit.
I realized this morning that somehow, someway over the past few months, I have been released from the heavy burden that infertility had placed on my life. I have somehow managed to take my infertility, put it into a small box and pack it away on a high shelf somewhere. I’m happy and I feel free for the first time in years. And with that I have also been set free from some of the emotions I hated the most – anger, jealousy, envy, fear, they no longer have any hold on my life!
So begone with you HPT’s, to hell with you deceitful sore boobs, I’m a Proud Veteran Barbie and you will NO LONGER have any control over me!