There is nothing like disappointing my children to kick my natural mommy’s guilt into over drive, even when its unintentional or totally out of my control, I simply cannot stand to see Ava disappointed.
Since Hannah’s placement, I have made extra effort to do something alone with Ava every single day, even if it’s just a trip to our local Pick ‘n Pay where she pushes the trolley, or a ride on her bike around the block. We’ll leave Hannah asleep with Loveness for a little while and go and spend some quality time together, even if it’s just 15 minutes. I want her to know that as my first born, she’s is still very precious and special to me and that I will always have time for her. So on Monday I asked her if she’d like to go and see Barney at the MamaMagic Baby Expo on Friday. She was SUPER excited about this outing, telling her dad it was girl time and only her and I were going and no boys were allowed. Every day she asked me if it was Friday yet and if we could go to Barney’s house to see him.
Finally Friday arrived and Missy was so excited she didn’t even want to go to school, when she came home from school, she must have asked me every 5 minutes what the time was and if it was time to go to Barney’s house. Each time I said no, not yet, she’d plead with me: “Please Mama? Can we go now? Mama, please?”
Eventually it was time to head to the expo with plenty of extra time to find a seat where we could see Barney. But only when we arrived at the expo did I find out that all Friday’s shows were sold out. We landed up standing in a looooong queue to buy tickets to see Barney on Sunday. Of course, at 3, Ava did not understand this. She could not understand WHY if I’d promised her she was going to see Barney on Friday, why she couldn’t? Why we stood in the queue, bought and ticket and then turned around and left. She was devastated. She begged. She pleaded. She promised to be a good girl. She cried. She hiccuped. And I felt like UTTER shit for not having the foresight to prebook tickets for stupid Barney so that I wouldn’t have to disappoint my little girl. She cried THE WHOLE way home!
And that really got me thinking…. about parents who have no problem in disappointing their children. Parents who, for whatever reason, never keep their promises to their children? Fathers who never pay maintenance or cancel a visit or custody weekend. Parents who are married to their jobs, who put their needs/wants before those of their children. How do they do it? How do they live with their conscience, how do they look at their children and not be overcome with guilt.
I did everything in my power to make it up to Ava yesterday, I felt that guilty, I offered to do baking with her when we got home, or go bike riding, anything anything to see that precious little face smile again and not look sad and disappointed. I know life is unfair, I know she will be disappointed and let down, but if I can help it, she will not ever be let down or disappointed by me, not when it’s within my power and my control to prevent that.