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I Will Never Be Legend – The Final Nail In My Fertility Coffin

I thought I’d made peace with my inability to carry a pregnancy to term but it would appear that somewhere buried deep in my subconscious hope still flickered. But in one foul swoop on Wednesday, the final flicker of hope was snuffed out for me.  I’ve been feeling quite fragile ever since, I will not ever be legend.  For those of you unfamiliar with infertility terms, to be legend or to call oneself I Am Legend, is to be infertile but against all odd’s and previous miscarriages, to fall pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term. That will never be me. I now need to start the painful process of making peace with that fact, of accepting that I am no longer a young woman in her prime, I am well and truly middle aged, almost over the hill, time to be put out to pasture and I hate it!

On Wednesday, while sitting quietly at my desk, I suddenly got an overwhelming sensation, one that left me feeling sick and exhausted, like somebody had set me on fire and I was burning up from the inside out. Within a minute, I was drenched in sweat, my hair plastered to my head, my makeup melting on my face and my clothes clinging and sticking to my body, my heart was racing, I felt anxious and I felt dizzy. The sensation couldn’t have lasted more than a minute or two but it left me feeling sick and I knew what it was. Not even 6 months past my 40th birthday, I was having my first ever hot flash!

hotflashes1
It happened again in the middle of the night last night and there can be no denying that I’m at the beginning phases of perimenopause! I have consulted with Dr Google and it would seem the writing has been on the wall for some time. Here are other symptoms of perimanopause:

I’ve had a number of these symptoms for probably going on the past year. Night sweats, change in my cycles, difficulty staying asleep, anxiety and now the joys of hot flashes too!

The most exciting part of all, and I say that in the most sarcastic font I can muster, perimenopause can last for as long as 10 to 15 years! Oh yay! I am a little on the young side to  be starting perimenopause, statistically, most women will only start to experience these symptoms at around age 45 but it can start from as early as the mid to late 30’s. My last round of fertility blood tests was done in 2008, I was 36 at the time and my blood results did indicate that I was bordering on low ovarian reserve and that I was starting to show my age in my hormonal profile. So I guess my hot flashes have now confirmed what I should have known was coming all along.

I will never be legend. I will never know what it feels like to carry a baby to term, to feel the first fluttering of movement in my belly, to give birth. I will never know genetic mirroring. And all of that makes me feel sad.

But what makes me truly mad is that I feel too young. My body has already failed me once and it feels like it’s failing me again. I cannot possibly have the body of a middle aged woman, I still feel and behave like a 20 year old. I know that I need to make peace with this and to embrace the change, but right now I’m struggling too, still to shocked by the realization that I’m not longer a young woman in her prime.

I had a good cry into my pillow and Wednesday evening and even now while I’m typing this, the tears sting in the back of my eyes. I wonder if it’s normal for woman to be this shocked or saddened when they first start noticing the signs of the change?

Perhaps its time to have a little mid life crisis? The time of all of this is quite ironic. In the last few months, I’ve really started to embrace who I am, I have felt more free to just be me and not what anyone else thinks or says I should be. I’ve began to embrace my naughty side, feeling free to be who I am without fear of reproach. I’ve been feeling so good about who I am, so free to just be and to embrace every facet of what makes up me.

And now this…

 

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12 Comments

  • Reply cupcakemummy

    Nothing I can say or do will help or take it away so am simply sending you some positive thoughts and energies xxx

    November 30, 2012 at 9:44 am
  • Reply Nikki Heyman

    Sharon you write so beautifully – the tears are in my eyes too Dr Google is not always your best friend though – those are also the symptoms of thyroid problems. Check it out.

    November 30, 2012 at 9:48 am
  • Reply Nikki Heyman

    You see what you do to your readers – I am also holding on to your “I am legend.” Sterkte

    November 30, 2012 at 10:14 am
  • Reply Joni

    Hey Shaz, I have thyroid disease and those symptoms sound just like those that I get… When was the last time you had a T4/TSH test done? I had to go and have mine done again today cause I’ve been having hot flushes, heart palpitations and insomnia and all sorts of shit the last 2 weeks! Perhaps go & see your gynae to rule thyroid out….

    Either I still think you’re a freaking LEGEND!
    xxx

    November 30, 2012 at 10:23 am
    • Reply Joni

      Either way I mean!

      November 30, 2012 at 10:23 am
  • Reply Lisa-Marie

    My babes … I’m very sad to be reading this. I so wish that I could be there for you now.

    Just a thought – I’ve been feeling off lately myself and I have done some investigating into Cipralex. I am sweating (perspiring ..pffft) more than ever since our “Winter” ended and one of the major side-effects that I have stumbled across in my Google searches, is excessive sweating. It is similar to the sweats I had when I was on fertility treatment.

    I also wake up frequently during the night and swing between falling asleep instantly and lying awake for ages. I’m ALSO as thick as 2 planks and find myself doing bizarre things – sometimes Travers has to point out what I’ve done wrong (i.e. put the cream cheese in the cupboard and the bread in the fridge).

    A bloodtest will confirm whether or not you are in peri-menopause, no? My SIL received the diagnosis last year – aged 35. I can’t help but wonder whether it is starting to become the ‘norm’ for us to get to this stage so much sooner ….

    sending you all my love and a huge hug

    November 30, 2012 at 11:07 am
  • Reply Kristin

    Lots and lots of {{{hugs}}}, my friend. Truly accepting the loss of a dream is never easy. I wish I could make it easier.

    November 30, 2012 at 4:18 pm
  • Reply Daryl Faure

    That is pretty sucky, but I would urge you to go and see your gynae as well to rule out any other cause of these symptoms. Hang tough Sharon, your are still most fabulously 40, in spite of what amy be going on with your hormones.

    November 30, 2012 at 6:44 pm
  • Reply Julia

    Sending you much love and the biggest hugs my friend. You will ALWAYS be legend to me. xxx

    December 1, 2012 at 9:15 am
  • Reply Yvonne

    Oi Shaz that just sucks.
    Sorry man 🙁

    December 2, 2012 at 8:06 pm
  • Reply Mash

    I’ve had a couple of hot flashes myself, but put them down to something I ate (such is the level of my denial).

    And nightsweats (blamed the duvet). And dry skin to the point of eczema (I’ve made up a reason in my head for that which is extremely convoluted and unlikely).

    I think go and have the tests done, it might not be what you think. My friend’s ovarian reserve is pretty much zero and she has a baby fluttering in her belly (donor egg). She’s also never had the menopausal symptoms…

    I really hope it’s not that, I can imagine it’s a horrible thought! I mean, we’re all just getting STARTED how can we be going through menopause dammit!

    December 4, 2012 at 4:52 pm
  • Reply Melanie

    ogh! that night sweats and heat flushes are terrible!!!!!! I know exactly what you going thru! strongs!

    December 6, 2012 at 10:18 pm
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