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I Wouldn’t Have Made It Without You!

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I’m not going to lie, the last week has been emotionally tough. It definitely ranks up there as one of the lowest points I’ve experienced in my life. I’m been confused, sad, angry. I’ve felt lost, overwhelmed and depressed. I’ve questioned myself over and over again.

Is this adoption loss a big deal? Or am I just being melodramatic? And if it isn’t a big deal, why do I feel so crushed by it. Is it the actual adoption loss that has me feeling this way? Is it immense disappointment that has me feeling this way? Is it the break down in trust of a system that has previously seen Walter and I blessed beyond our wildest imaginings with Ava that has been feeling so gutted? Why am I so angry? Why am I so sad? Why do I have so many questions? Why am I struggling to accept the hand that has been dealt?

But the one thing that I have not questioned, the one thing I’ve been most grateful for is the support that we have received, from our families, my Mom, who kept her composure until we left last Wednesday evening to return Baby K and only then allowed herself to fall apart and cry, her attempt at shielding us from more emotional trauma. Our friends who have rallied around us, making sure that Baby K would have clothing and other necessities, when last minute we got The Call and after having to give him back, ensuring that all traces of their baby donations vanished from our lives and not be a constant reminder to us (me) of what was lost. The phone calls, text messages, BBM’s, Whatsapp’s, Tweets, Face Book messages and emails expressing support, that have buoyed us and carried us through this difficult time.

And then there are those who deserve a special mention – my online support system. Tweeps and bloggers who I have never met, who only know me from my online persona. Who have surrounded, comforted and carried me with compassion and kindness. Your love and support has left me feeling cared for. Your support without pressure to answer questions about what happened. Without judgement. Without curiosity. Your support that was based purely on compassion and without a desire to share what I’m not willing/able/ready to share has meant more to me than I can ever express. From the Tweets, to the Face Book messages and even the phone calls and blog posts, from people I do not know nor have ever met and possibly will never know in real life. Your antics at promoting us as the most deserving to win the #TsogoSale give away have made me smile, made me feel like I was validated in feeling the way that I did, that it was ok to be sad over what had happened and most of all that I was cared for.

I wouldn’t have made it without you!

keep calm

 

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10 Comments

  • Reply Laura

    Every post I read about what you guys went through and still are going through makes me feel so incredibly sad – for all of you including baby K and his mom.

    I have had you all in my thoughts since it all happened.

    All I have to offer is a virtual hug, love and a cliche that “things do work out how they are meant to”

    Hugs and love to you, W and Ava!

    August 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm
  • Reply Nicole

    Not for a moment do I believe that you’re overreacting. I hope that you are able to come to terms with your feelings and soon feel the joy of another addition to your family.

    August 30, 2012 at 12:58 pm
  • Reply Sian

    Of course you aren’t over reacting. I hope that each day brings healing and strength and I am certainly here for you.
    PS. I am sorry I didn’t take the clothes yesterday. I didn’t think……

    August 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm
  • Reply Reluctant Mom

    I have no idea how you find the strength to get through this … I am mortified …. I am so sad that I had a little cry in the shower.

    Because you share so honestly, makes it feel like I/we are there with you, watching and experiencing your pain with you. Though as bystanders who can do nothing tangible.

    I really am pretty kak at saying the right thing at the right time, other than: “Er, shall I get you another glass?” …. highly emotionally situations make me freeze like a deer in the headlights!

    I cannot imagine how you have pulled yourself through this week, I think many of us would still be in the bathrobe sobbing and rocking in the corner.

    Your strength, wisdom and insights in such matters and at times like this, never ceases to amaze me!

    August 30, 2012 at 1:29 pm
  • Reply Beth

    I also battle to find the “right” words to say how sad I am that this past week happened to you. No-one should have to go through what you went through, ever.

    Life can be so very cruel.

    xx

    August 30, 2012 at 2:11 pm
  • Reply CalT

    You are certainly not over-reacting and how you feel is completely validated. Knowing how much love and vulnerability I felt for both my boys the instant I saw them (and actually even before), I can only imagine how earth-shattering, heart-breaking it must be. The truth is the minute you get ‘the call’, that baby is yours, it is like you are both instantly bonded with a bond that only those who adopted would understand. So what you are feeling is not just mere disappointment because of a child who went back to it’s birth mom, but, utter heartache because you have lost YOUR child, and that is huge. Thinking of you all the time xxx

    August 30, 2012 at 4:00 pm
  • Reply Chrisle

    (Dubai from FC) Words can not describe how sorry I am.It does not matter for how long you had Baby K, you loved him and I know how the excitement and love fills your whole being and you immediately start to think about your baby .Our family will keep you in our prayers and thoughts .

    August 30, 2012 at 9:55 pm
  • Reply Jeanette

    ((hugs)) again… and there were plenty tears around the interwebs just reading your tweets and FB updates (mine included)

    August 30, 2012 at 10:00 pm
  • Reply Susan

    I am so incredibly sorry about what happened to you. You are definitely not being melodramatic and your feelings are completely valid. Why are we so hard on ourselves?
    I think what happened is quite similar to a chemical pregnancy. That glimmer of hope, that elation, that joy. And then suddenly it is ripped away from you. Like it never was.
    And you know how you felt after your chemical pregnancies, so you are perfectly justified feeling the same way now.
    About your beautiful little girl, I think it will be a good idea to explore some form of therapy with her after what happened. If I just think of the small moments that stuck with me from when I was little and shaped who I am today, I think we underestimate sometimes the effect events can have regardless of how short it was. Trust your motherly instincts.
    Thinking of you and your family all the time.
    xx

    September 1, 2012 at 8:50 am
  • Reply Alicia

    Here from LFCA – you are inspirational.

    September 9, 2012 at 5:57 am
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