I’m A Horrible Person… Or Am I?

I’ve been feeling a little… well a little meh the last few days. Some days  the waiting for a second placement is very hard, on other days not so much. What does make it harder for me, sometimes,  is the work I do on Trinity Heart. While it is a huge honour for me to play some small role in others journey to parenthood via adoption, it is also a double edged sword because on the days when I’m feeling a little down about our wait for a second placement, or about my inability to carry a child to term or my inability to fall pregnant, there is a twinge of envy, a little stab of pain, each time I hear of someone’s placement.

My emotions are not linear. They seem to go through peaks and valley’s. Last week I got a beautiful message from our birth mom, via our social worker that left me on a total high and feeling so positive.

On Friday, out of the blue, Ava started insisting that she was going to have a baby sister and that her name would be Zoe (ironically, someone I know at the same SW as me had their adoption placement yesterday, a baby girl they’ve named Zoe) and slowly my sadness started creeping in. I would so love to make her wish a reality but it’s just not within my power.

Add to that the deluge of pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and adoption placements that have been occurring over the last week and by the time I logged onto  Face Book this morning and was confronted with even more happy announcements of births, pregnancies and placements, I have a full case of the sads.

And then I started to feel guilty for feeling the way that I do. We have the most amazing little girl, I am blessed beyond my wildest imaginings, and yet, I still want more. And then the self loathing starts. There are many more infertile women who are worse off than me. Who have no child, never mind children. And I start to feel like a horrible person because instead of being overjoyed for others blessings, I feel sad for me.

How selfish. How horrible of me.

Just when my self loathing was reaching an all time low, a friend shared a quote on Face Book, something I need to remind myself of regularly.

Im a horrible person

I wish I was better at being kinder too myself and not having such an ugly internal dialogue with myself over the things I cannot control.

My mantra at the moment is: It will happen!

I just keep repeating that over and over again but some days its easier to believe than others!

October 23, 2012
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15 Comments

  • Reply Jeanette

    ((hugs))

    October 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm
  • Reply Tertia

    I feel the same Sharon! Don’t be to hard on yourself hunny

    October 23, 2012 at 2:45 pm
  • Reply Tertia

    I feel the same Sharon! Don’t be to hard on yourself hunny

    October 23, 2012 at 2:45 pm
  • Reply Karen @ MiriMoo

    Its hard to acknowledge at times because it sucks admitting you feel “selfish”. But its how you feel and don’t be ashamed, you’re allowed to feel that tug on your heart.

    We’re trying for our second and I feel it to. It doesn’t help that it seems like everyone around me is pregnant.

    October 23, 2012 at 2:48 pm
  • Reply Lebogang

    You deserve to sulk a bit, cry a bit, feel sad, mad…You are allowed to feel this way. Whats important is not feeling this way all the time. That is also part of being kind to yourself. Letting yourself feel what you are feeling. Huge hugs mama.

    October 23, 2012 at 2:50 pm
  • Reply Corinne

    I love the quote! And don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re a NORMAL MOTHER! We all have our days, guilt and lot in life to contend with so pat yourslef on the back for doing an amazing job coz its not an easy one.
    Hugs and kisses

    October 23, 2012 at 2:57 pm
  • Reply TJ

    Sharon, your feelings are no less important than others! Yes, there are others that may be worse off, but their reality is not yours and it’s OK to feel the way you do. You’re allowed to feel sad. We know that you are eternally grateful for what you have been blessed with and will never question that. As a Mom, I can also relate with regards to the need/want for a 2nd child. It’s a lot harder when you’re an infertile because you never do know the day.

    Yes, try be kinder to yourself. We can be our own poison sometimes.

    Sending you lots of comforting hugs.

    October 23, 2012 at 3:19 pm
  • Reply ankia

    Hugs lady!! Of course you are allowed to have the sads. Stick to your mantra! X

    October 23, 2012 at 5:58 pm
  • Reply Pandora

    Quite normal to feel like that, it doesn’t not make you a bad person. It is what you feel and feelings are all valid. Lots of us feel the same.

    Also it is harder for you to put it to the back of your mind, as you are involved in it everyday through Trinity Heart.

    Just remember that these feelings are also what helps you to help others by being able to totally understand what they are going through.

    October 23, 2012 at 6:54 pm
  • Reply Shayne

    I think that if you were not feeling these emotions, you would not be normal!

    Remember, that life has a way of working out when you least expect it to. So try and embrace each day for what it offers you and embrace that darling little girl of yours. Your day will come, i have no doubt about that x

    October 23, 2012 at 7:21 pm
  • Reply Nicole

    Your feelings are ok. You’re human. This is an emotionally charged situation. Please remember your feelings are just that. Feelings. They don’t define you. Try to watch them as they pass you & then pass you by. And try to stop judging them. It may seems trite now, but the universe’s timing is always perfect & Ava’s beautiful sibling is on his/her way. Although her/his timing may be a little different from yours. Sit with the feelings, don’t judge them. They pass. They always do. With much love, wishing you peace in your heart. Oli’s mama

    October 24, 2012 at 6:11 am
  • Reply kaashiefah

    Hi, i totally know what you are feeling. Umar has just turned 3 in August and we were really hoping to adopt soon again but were told we can’t because christian BM are keen to have their babies be adopted by muslim parents. The only reasn why I haven’y been freaking out is because i am franticall trying to finish my masters. I know the sadness will set in later. I am not sure what to do about it though. I trust Procare and i know they would not say this if it wasn’t true. so Our wait continues…

    October 24, 2012 at 10:18 am
  • Reply Mash

    🙂 There’s a nice Landmark one that says – if you spoke to someone else the way you speak to yourself, they would punch you in the nose.

    I know how you feel, I was on a huge high yesterday about Zoe, but then last night the doubts and fears started to re-surface. Like, are we good enough, are we likable enough to be chosen? Of course the dip in emotions was in no small part due to the blood sugar crashing after the two packets of crisps, bar of chocolate and packet of jelly tots I inhaled at my desk in celebration of Zoe’s placement.

    At times like this I’m reminded of the difference between hope (false friend that emotion is) and faith, which is a surrender and a knowing. The best thing will happen, whatever that is, just like it did with Ava – at the time of your last failed IVF you would never have believed the amazing path life was about to take you down… I pray something equally beautiful is about to unfold for you again. Be open to your miracle!

    PS – when I showed my colleague a photo of Zoe on FB, she closed my office door and started telling me about her own child’s adoption, which was preceded by an adoption loss almost identical to yours. I had NO idea at all that her daughter was adopted!

    October 24, 2012 at 12:21 pm
  • Reply Sian

    I hope that you are feeling better today. It will happen! I am hoping much sooner than later.

    October 24, 2012 at 12:38 pm
  • Reply Lisa-Marie

    Love what TJ says – your feelings are no less important than others. Cut yourself some slack – feeling the way you do is totally natural and you are most certainly not alone in feeling the way you do / did.
    Sending you so much love. x

    November 6, 2012 at 11:42 am
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