I’ve been feeling a little… well a little meh the last few days. Some days the waiting for a second placement is very hard, on other days not so much. What does make it harder for me, sometimes, is the work I do on Trinity Heart. While it is a huge honour for me to play some small role in others journey to parenthood via adoption, it is also a double edged sword because on the days when I’m feeling a little down about our wait for a second placement, or about my inability to carry a child to term or my inability to fall pregnant, there is a twinge of envy, a little stab of pain, each time I hear of someone’s placement.
My emotions are not linear. They seem to go through peaks and valley’s. Last week I got a beautiful message from our birth mom, via our social worker that left me on a total high and feeling so positive.
On Friday, out of the blue, Ava started insisting that she was going to have a baby sister and that her name would be Zoe (ironically, someone I know at the same SW as me had their adoption placement yesterday, a baby girl they’ve named Zoe) and slowly my sadness started creeping in. I would so love to make her wish a reality but it’s just not within my power.
Add to that the deluge of pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and adoption placements that have been occurring over the last week and by the time I logged onto Face Book this morning and was confronted with even more happy announcements of births, pregnancies and placements, I have a full case of the sads.
And then I started to feel guilty for feeling the way that I do. We have the most amazing little girl, I am blessed beyond my wildest imaginings, and yet, I still want more. And then the self loathing starts. There are many more infertile women who are worse off than me. Who have no child, never mind children. And I start to feel like a horrible person because instead of being overjoyed for others blessings, I feel sad for me.
How selfish. How horrible of me.
Just when my self loathing was reaching an all time low, a friend shared a quote on Face Book, something I need to remind myself of regularly.
I wish I was better at being kinder too myself and not having such an ugly internal dialogue with myself over the things I cannot control.
My mantra at the moment is: It will happen!
I just keep repeating that over and over again but some days its easier to believe than others!