I’m Angry!

Can you tell? I’m so so so pissed off about this. I really cannot believe it. The part that bums me off is that I have to live with a tiny glimmer of false hope till Saturday’s retest finally plunges me over the edge. Till then, I have to continue to live and pretend like this could in fact, possibley be a viable pregnancy. I have to take all my meds, I have to continue with the bluddy burny Estra-Derm and I have to continue on with the ultra painful Gestone shots. All of which I was happy to do while I thought I’d get a live baby out of it. Now that I know there is little to no chance, it just seems like a cruel joke.

My beta went DOWN, this means that its only a matter of time before its well and truly over. Its not like it climbed a bit but didn’t quite double, where I could cling to the hope of a vanishing twin, it went down. It DROPPED from 233 to 198 in 48 hours. Given that I’ve been through this 6 times in the past, I know what to expect, I know that usually by the time my beta’s drop down to 100 the brown spotting will start and within a couple of days the heavy, painful bleeding will start.

What I’m hoping will be different this time is that when I go for the repeat beta on Saturday, it will still be high enough for spontaneous bleeding not to have started. This is because I want a D&C. I want analysis done placental tissue, I want to know what went wrong. I want to know if this pregnancy spontaneously aborted because the baby had Downs syndrome or Patau’s Syndrome or any of the syndromes. I need to know. If there is no answer, my answer is simple – I don’t think I can continue on along this journey.  I cannot go into another round of treatment with blind faith & hope. I cannot, my heart won’t take it, my soul won’t be able to bare it and most importantly, I don’t believe W could take it.

So for now I while away the time, trying to crush any false hope that could potentially creep in, I just want this over, I want to put this behind me,  I want the dead tissue removed from my womb, I want to wipe away any and all traces that this brief period of happiness has brought.

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