I’m Angry!

Posted in Infertility by

Can you tell? I’m so so so pissed off about this. I really cannot believe it. The part that bums me off is that I have to live with a tiny glimmer of false hope till Saturday’s retest finally plunges me over the edge. Till then, I have to continue to live and pretend like this could in fact, possibley be a viable pregnancy. I have to take all my meds, I have to continue with the bluddy burny Estra-Derm and I have to continue on with the ultra painful Gestone shots. All of which I was happy to do while I thought I’d get a live baby out of it. Now that I know there is little to no chance, it just seems like a cruel joke.

My beta went DOWN, this means that its only a matter of time before its well and truly over. Its not like it climbed a bit but didn’t quite double, where I could cling to the hope of a vanishing twin, it went down. It DROPPED from 233 to 198 in 48 hours. Given that I’ve been through this 6 times in the past, I know what to expect, I know that usually by the time my beta’s drop down to 100 the brown spotting will start and within a couple of days the heavy, painful bleeding will start.

What I’m hoping will be different this time is that when I go for the repeat beta on Saturday, it will still be high enough for spontaneous bleeding not to have started. This is because I want a D&C. I want analysis done placental tissue, I want to know what went wrong. I want to know if this pregnancy spontaneously aborted because the baby had Downs syndrome or Patau’s Syndrome or any of the syndromes. I need to know. If there is no answer, my answer is simple – I don’t think I can continue on along this journey.  I cannot go into another round of treatment with blind faith & hope. I cannot, my heart won’t take it, my soul won’t be able to bare it and most importantly, I don’t believe W could take it.

So for now I while away the time, trying to crush any false hope that could potentially creep in, I just want this over, I want to put this behind me,  I want the dead tissue removed from my womb, I want to wipe away any and all traces that this brief period of happiness has brought.

October 16, 2009
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30 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    I wish I was there to give you hugs.

    October 16, 2009 at 5:43 am
  • Reply Elana Kahn

    I’m angry too, dammit. And I hope they find *something* at the D&C so that you can fix whatever it is!!

    October 16, 2009 at 6:52 am
  • Reply Kristin

    Oh hon…you have every right to be angry. Hell, I’m angry for you. It’s just not fair. {{{Hugs}}}

    October 16, 2009 at 7:08 am
  • Reply Gen

    I am so so so sorry, and I know words cannot take away your pain, and know that your mind must be racing.

    All I can say is that i am thinking of you –

    October 16, 2009 at 7:39 am
  • Reply Adi

    I’m so sorry. 🙁 Don’t stop the meds.

    October 16, 2009 at 8:04 am
  • Reply Sian

    I am angry with you. Thinking of you all the time.Lotsa love.

    October 16, 2009 at 8:04 am
  • Reply Yvonne

    I’m both angry, and heartbroken with you Shaz.
    I’m so sorry.

    October 16, 2009 at 8:22 am
  • Reply Adel

    Totally understandable Shaz! I am so sorry you have to go through this.

    Lots of hugs.

    October 16, 2009 at 8:23 am
  • Reply Hayley

    Just popping to let you know, that I am thinking of both of you…

    October 16, 2009 at 8:23 am
  • Reply Cruella Deville

    I`m so frustrated on your behalf. I still don`t get it why shit things happen to good people. Maybe I will never get it because it stays unfair irrespective of what explanation there is. Constantly thinking of you xoxox

    October 16, 2009 at 8:34 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    words fail me… again, I am so sorry x-x You have been constantly in my thoughts. x

    October 16, 2009 at 8:56 am
  • Reply Jenny

    You have every right to be hacked off Shaz. it’s cruel and unfair.

    October 16, 2009 at 8:58 am
  • Reply Abs

    Sending you huge hugs filled with extra special love and support my friend. xxx

    October 16, 2009 at 8:59 am
  • Reply Julia

    xxxxxx
    Lots of hugs to you.

    October 16, 2009 at 9:06 am
  • Reply sassy

    Again, I am so so sorry… I do hope you get the answers you need.

    October 16, 2009 at 9:09 am
  • Reply Andie

    I’m so sorry. You have every right to be angry. I would be demanding tissue testing as well.

    Lots of hugs and support to you.

    October 16, 2009 at 9:10 am
  • Reply Hela

    (((HUGS)))

    October 16, 2009 at 9:22 am
  • Reply Nikki

    You have every right to be pissed!

    I hope the answers you need are forthcoming.

    October 16, 2009 at 9:45 am
  • Reply Rach

    Just sending you lots of support and love my friend and hoping you get the answers you so rightly deserve AND need…

    xxxxxxx

    October 16, 2009 at 9:46 am
  • Reply Ann

    Sending loads of love
    xx

    October 16, 2009 at 10:39 am
  • Reply SCY

    I think anger is only natural – this situation is totally messed up and I hate hate HATE that it’s happening. I’m so cross for you my friend. So hurt and so sad.

    Sending you love and hugs.

    xxx

    October 16, 2009 at 10:46 am
  • Reply Cindy

    I’m angry for you, dammit. I hate this for you.

    October 16, 2009 at 11:15 am
  • Reply Bumble

    Hi Sharon, I came here from Tam, just wanted to let you know how sorry I am. Thinking of you all the way in Aus x

    October 16, 2009 at 12:30 pm
  • Reply Joni

    My friend, it’s just not freakin fair!! I am praying for you and am soo soo sorry you’re having to go through this! It’s just shitty!! Huggs!

    October 16, 2009 at 1:53 pm
  • Reply Rebecca

    This is so unfair. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you xxx

    October 16, 2009 at 2:10 pm
  • Reply Tam

    I’m angry too, so bloody pissed with this thing called infertility.

    I’m hoping that they find some answers for you my friend.

    Love always xxx

    October 16, 2009 at 2:48 pm
  • Reply Suzy

    So sorry. Hope you get some answers.

    October 16, 2009 at 4:29 pm
  • Reply Quiet Dreams

    I’m so incredibly sorry.
    Raging against the unfairness of it all.

    October 16, 2009 at 5:03 pm
  • Reply Mommy-In-Waiting

    It’s just not fair!

    October 16, 2009 at 6:29 pm
  • Reply Susan Shepherd

    Sharon,

    I know all TOO well what it feels like to have the carpet pulled from underneath you and that “false hope”. I also know that as much as you hear a million “I’m sorry” comments and as much as you appreciate them, it just doesn’t take away the pain inside. Been there. Done that.

    Sine we know that you are able to get pregnant but for some reason not able to carry, I am wondering what is causing you to miscarry so much? Is it the shape of your uterus? Or can they test you for an auto immune disorder? Or was it down’s syndrome? Like you said, you need to find answers and get to the bottom of this. If you don’t get an answer from your current doctor, go to another one. Go to 10 doctors if you have to.

    I too, may soon find myself right there along with you (it’s hard to remain positive at this point). I cling to the hope of God. If my dreams fail, maybe we can join one another for a drink?

    You are in my thoughts and prayers —

    October 17, 2009 at 1:16 am
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