I’ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about the comments and feedback I received from my now infamous blog post on Tuesday.
One comment that stood out for me related to whether or not I had completely come to terms with my infertility. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this over the last few days, wondering, am I at peace with it? Have I moved on from it? Am I ok with it?
And then yesterday the answer came from a most unlikely source….. A birthday reminder on Face Book. That may not seem all that significant but it really is.
Ten years ago, on the 12th September 2002, I woke up lying in a pool of my own blood and realized with utter horror that my most unimaginable fear had happened… I’d lost our baby. A quick trip to the emergency room confirmed my worst fear, the baby was gone, no more, dead. There are no words that can fully describe how utterly crushed and grief stricken I was. Walter took me home, I took the pain meds and put on a maternity pad and I lay in bed that entire day and just sobbed, I was inconsolable. It happened to be a very special friends birthday and I was supposed to have met up with her later that day to celebrate, but in stead, she landed up coming over to our house, sitting on the bed next to me, passing me tissues and holding my hand while I cried into my pillow.
The 12th September was the day that my life was forever changed. It was the start of a journey unlike any other I’d ever been on and its date is forever in my memory because it is also the date of my special friends birthday.
But this year, had I not seen that birthday reminder, I would have all but forgotten it, if it weren’t for than one reminder. That in itself speaks volumes of how at peace I am with what has gone before. In years gone by, before Ava’s birth, I knew the dates of every single one of my miscarriages and I would get sad and mourn each and every one of them every year as the anniversary of those losses past. Now, 10 years on and almost 3 years into motherhood, I don’t recall the dates of any of those losses.
One of the reasons I love blogging so much is that is serves as a record and a reminder of where I’ve come from and how far I’ve come. I only have to read the blog posts I wrote about my miscarriages to know that I have come a very long way. Have a look at these old entries:
So have I come to terms with my infertility? I’d say yes, as much as one can, I have peace with what has gone before and everything in my life is as it should be.
But the disease of infertility is much like the disease of addiction or the disease of cancer. It changes who you are at your very core, it changes you life in ways you could never have imagined, you don’t ever recover from it, I’m changed on so many levels that it would be impossible for me to go back to the person I was before this all begun, my journey through infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss can never be undone, the slate will never be wiped clean, it will always play a part in who I am. Like a drug addict, I am not cured, but I am in recovery. Like a cancer survivor, I am in remission.
So yes, I believe I have come to terms with it, as much as one can. I am in remission, I am in recovery!