I’m in Recovery/Remission

Posted in Infertility by

I’ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about the comments and feedback I received from my now infamous blog post on Tuesday.

One comment that stood out for me related to whether or not I had completely come to terms with my infertility. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this over the last few days, wondering, am I at peace with it? Have I moved on from it? Am I ok with it?

And then yesterday the answer came from a most unlikely source….. A birthday reminder on Face Book. That may not seem all that significant but it really is.

Ten years ago, on the 12th September 2002, I woke up lying in a pool of my own blood and realized with utter horror that my most unimaginable  fear had happened… I’d lost our baby. A quick trip to the emergency room confirmed my worst fear, the baby was gone, no more, dead. There are no words that can fully describe how utterly crushed and grief stricken I was. Walter took me home, I took the pain meds and put on a maternity pad and I lay in bed that entire day and just sobbed, I was inconsolable. It happened to be a very special friends birthday and I was supposed to have met up with her later that day to celebrate, but in stead, she landed up coming over to our house, sitting on the bed next to me, passing me tissues and holding my hand while I cried into my pillow.

The 12th September was the day that my life was forever changed. It was the start of a journey unlike any other I’d ever been on and its date is forever in my memory because it is also the date of my special friends birthday.

But this year, had I not seen that birthday reminder, I would have all but forgotten it, if it weren’t for than one reminder. That in itself speaks volumes of how at peace I am with what has gone before. In years gone by, before Ava’s birth, I knew the dates of every single one of my miscarriages and I would get sad and mourn each and every one of them every year as the anniversary of those losses past. Now, 10 years on and almost 3 years into motherhood, I don’t recall the dates of any of those losses.

One of the reasons I love blogging so much is that is serves as a record and a reminder of where I’ve come from and how far I’ve come. I only have to read the blog posts I wrote about my miscarriages to know that I have come a very long way. Have a look at these old entries:

6 year anniversary of my first miscarriage

7 year anniversary of my first miscarriage

So have I come to terms with my infertility? I’d say yes, as much as one can, I have peace with what has gone before and everything in my life is as it should be.

But the disease of infertility is much like the disease of addiction or the disease of cancer. It changes who you are at your very core, it changes you life in ways you could never have imagined, you don’t ever recover from it, I’m changed on so many levels that it would be impossible for me to go back to the person I was before this all begun, my journey through infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss can never be undone, the slate will never be wiped clean, it will always play a part in who I am. Like a drug addict, I am not cured, but I am in recovery. Like a cancer survivor, I am in remission.

So yes, I believe I have come to terms with it, as much as one can. I am in remission, I am in recovery!

 

 

 

 

September 14, 2012
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6 Comments

  • Reply Lisa-Marie

    Remission is a good word for it. It will always be a part of us and will never go away. It will just scab over or leave a scar; susceptible to being scratched on from time to time.
    Every now and then I think about the fact that had our first pregnancy not miscarried, we’d’ve had a 9-year-old child now. I like to think about these things occasionally – not because I’m “morbidly” dwelling; but because, like you, I like to see how far I have come. And how much I have grown. And how much I have come to learn about myself.

    September 14, 2012 at 8:09 am
  • Reply CalT

    Your post rings so true. Infertility certainly doesn’t govern my life the way it used to, and I believe I have come to accept what did and didn’t happen. I don’t ask why, I no longer feel intense envy towards fertiles, and I can attend baby showers, but it never leaves you, and every now and then there are reminders and that pang of pain hits for a few seconds. As a good friend once said, instead of walking with it in front of you, you learn to walk with it next to you and then one day behind you, but it never goes away, it just becomes more distant.

    September 14, 2012 at 8:38 am
    • Reply Sharon

      So very true Cal! It’s not the governing force in my life anymore and doesn’t cause me the level of pain that it used to but it will always be a part of who I am. But I am no longer battling with the why of it all, it’s over, it’s there and it will never go away but it’s no longer the gaping, bloodied wound it used to be.

      September 14, 2012 at 8:45 am
  • Reply Beth

    Reading your 6 and 7 year posts I have gooseflesh running up and down my arms.

    So much has changed. Isn’t it amazing how life works out?

    I’m sorry you had to experience such a long and awful road.

    September 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm
  • Reply TJ

    I like the terms you’ve used and it makes a lot of sense. And of course it’s great to see how your blog (and you) have come from a dark place to this joyous, happy, fulfilled stage in your life.

    I never went through or dealt with all the heartache you did, but can honestly say that for the short stint that we couldn’t have kids it has impacted and changed me too. I feel rather sensitive at the moment about my best friend who has planned her life in detail – to the point where they stopped smoking, went off birth control for 3 months and fell pregnant in the 1st month of trying. Old scars still hurt from time to time. Jealousy, even after motherhood still creeps in.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that no matter how much you’re in remission – there will still be things that are very sensitive. I’m just glad that you don’t have to go through each anniversary in pain and that you have come SUCH a long way!

    September 14, 2012 at 3:39 pm
  • Reply Pandora

    I think that it is easy for someone who has not gone through infertility to feel you should just get over it, especially if you are now a parent. By getting over something, or coming to terms with something, the expectation is often that you need to forget it, never talk about it, never mention it and never let it influence your life anymore. It is done. We may react in the same way to someone else who has gone through something that we have never experienced, so I am not saying this is unusual, I think it is just human nature.
    We can never understand to what extent something affects a person, even if we have a similar experience. I had a traumatic experience in 1986, and for years I remembered it on every anniversary. It is very long ago now, and I have to now really think to remember the exact date. But every now and then it comes back and it feels like yesterday. So have I gotten over it? Yes most definitely. Have I forgotten? I will never forget. Does it still affect me? Yes, maybe not consciously, but at the time it changed me. So like you, it made me what I am today. That is why sometimes I may react to a current situation based on what happened all those years ago, and I don’t think that will change.
    So even though we are over something, this does not mean it has lost its infuence on us.

    September 15, 2012 at 5:09 pm
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