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I’m still a #fatgirlslim (trying to be)

Last year, or any other year in the past 10+, I’d have given my eye teeth to weigh what I weight now but I’m feeling completely dissatisfied with where I find myself now. Granted, I did gain weight over the festive feast and I’m thankful to have lost 3kg’s of the weight I gained so far, but it’s rather bizarre to be feeling so fat when, well, when I’m not fat!

My mind is really struggling to keep up with my body. The festive feast has taken me 10 steps backwards on my journey to a healthy and slim version of me. With the way I feel currently, you’d swear I was back at 118kg’s and I’m not, I’m still 30kg’s below that weight but somehow I feel completely dissatisfied with where I’m currently at.

I think this is partially due to the festive feast weight gain but it also feels like my brain switched over at new year, with a new starting weight for the year, and even though that’s substantially less than last year, I feel like I’m putting huge pressure on myself to reach goal weight as soon as possible.

In addition, I will say, the oddest part of my weight loss journey so far is how fearful I’ve become of going back. Do you know, there are nights when I still have nightmares where I’m convinced the last year was just a dream and I’m still tipping the scales at 118kg’s! I wake up most mornings and the first thing I do is run my hand across my ribs, stomach and hips, to check that it wasn’t a dream, before I even wake up properly. It’s a very odd thing, to be so fearful of something that was me for many years and I don’t really know how to explain it. While I was never happy about being the fat girl, it never really scared me, but now it does, it frightens the crap out of me. I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to be that girl again, the DUFF (designated ugly fat friend) or the wallflower, the woman so self conscious of her looks that she literally hid herself. I don’t want to go back. I’m terrified of it.

Is that normal?

I guess I’m afraid of failure, that somehow everything that worked so well in the past year will suddenly stop working.

I don’t know… I don’t really know how to explain it!

 

 

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18 Comments

  • Reply cupcakemummy

    I lost all the weight and hit my goal last year only to put it all back on and a bit more when I lost my job, you’re fear isn’t irrational at all. At gym last night I realised what an effect the extra weight has and I went home and cried. You’re there now, you’ve done amazing and you’ll reach your goal this year. I don’t think our minds will ever catch up with our bodies though. Stick with it, you’re a HUGE inspiration and I hope that I can be like you. Big fat squishy hugs from me.

    January 14, 2015 at 9:47 am
    • Reply Sharon

      Thanks gorgeous!

      January 14, 2015 at 10:31 am
  • Reply Jenny

    I once worked with a guy, and I won’t mention his name as he probably has google alerts on it – so arrogant and awful – who lost loads of weight (as a ps: losing weight doesn’t make you a nice person ;)) But I do remember him saying the same thing: the nightmares of his fat days, the desperation to never go back, the fat mindset. I am not sure it’s easy to break free of that. I am always, always unhappy with my body and how I look and I am not sure that’s ever going to change mentally!

    January 14, 2015 at 10:47 am
  • Reply Sharon

    Sharon you are a true inspiration to so many women, keep up the amazing journey and enjoy every second of your new self…you deserve it.
    I wrote in to you last year saying that I had banned religiously for 8 weeks, I have 25 kg to lose. lost 2kg in first week and then nothing, not even a cm. you advised I give up dairy….needless to say I fell off the wagon over December and although I haven’t gained much more than a kg or 2 – I have come back from holiday not knowing which way to turn,..diet wise.must I carry on banting because I was enjoying it so much…but would like to see the results too…or do I try something else….does banting not work for everyone? I’m so despondent…but desperate….sure you’ve been there. Please advise me, warm regards xx

    January 14, 2015 at 12:56 pm
  • Reply Sam

    I STILL battle to think of myself as slender. After nearly two years of losing my 23KGS. Think about it, it took us many years to become and accept our “fat” selves why would it be any different to accepting our slender selves?

    I will say it is less intense now and I am more inclined to choose the correct size for myself now etc.

    time, Shaz, it takes time.

    xxx

    January 14, 2015 at 1:51 pm
  • Reply Sian

    I know what you mean. I am totally off course at the moment and I have to reign myself in when the New Year arrives. I’m beating myself up badly about it and I have to remind myself that I am still 12 kgs lighter than when I started.

    It feels like I will never be happy with my body and I really have to work on that. I worry that I put to much emphasis on how I look and forget about all.my other positive attributes.

    December 12, 2015 at 8:57 am
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