Yesterday I received a comment from a new reader to my blog. In her comment, she posed two questions to me, one which was rather interesting and I thought I’d address it here and also get the opinions of my fellow infertiles and the second, which quite unintentionally on her part, caused me to have the reaction of a raging bull having a red flag waved in front of it. I’ve decided to address both questions here in my blog because I’d like to get the opinions of my fellow infertiles. In addition, it would be great for all those not battling infertility to read so that they can perhaps gain a new insight into infertility and better arm themselves to respond in a more compassionate or sensitive way should they ever come across an infertile couple in real life.
Ok, so firstly, to the interesting questions – Am I Fighting To Find A Solution To My Infertility Or To Become A Mother?
This is an interesting question, mostly because I’ve asked myself this same thing a few times over the course of the past 7 years. I have wondered if this desire comes from the strong urge to be a mother or if its got more to do with my competitive nature and my steely determination to beat infertility. Frankly, I think the answer is a little bit of both and I think that each one goes hand in hand with the other. If it weren’t for my overwhelming desire to be a mother I would not have the steely determination to beat infertility. It if weren’t for my steely determination to beat infertility I’d give up my strong desire to be a mother. In addition, being a mother is something I’ve always wanted, its been a desire of mine since I was a little girl playing with her dolls. When my brother was born, to avoid sibling jealousy, my Mom and Dad bought me a baby doll with a carry cot and a pram. I looked after after my baby doll the same way my mother looked after my brother. When my brother fed, my baby doll fed, when my brothers nappy got changed, my baby dolls nappy got changed, when my brother was taken for a walk in his pram, my baby doll was taken for a walk in her pram. When I was 11 years old my Uncle & Aunt adopted a baby boy. My Aunt, interestingly enough, was infertile under almost the exact same circumstances as me, messy appendix operations as a child. I was so excited for this baby boy to come into our lives, every moment I could spend with my aunt and him was so precious, I wanted to do everything, hold him, feed him, change his nappies, rock him to sleep. You see, the desire to be a mother has ALWAYS been a part of who I am, its always been there, its not something that developed later in life, I’ve always known that I was created to mother, to nurture and to care for a raise children. So yes, while part of my drive comes from my steely determination to beat infertility, the underlying reason is because of my overwhelming desire to be a mother. I also want to add that I truly believe that once an infertile always an infertile. In other words, I will be blessed with a child (or more) but I will always be infertile. The things that make me infertile will never go away, they will always be there, along with the emotions and the lessons I have learned on this journey, so there is no beating infertility because being infertile is either something you are or you aren’t. To my infertile friends, how would you respond to this question? Would you also say its a bit of both?
The second question I found really upsetting, I realize, the intention was not to upset, its a question that a lot of people ask without thinking or realizing the hurt that it causes. I want to address this question so that every person reading my blog learns something from it because I believe its something that every single infertile person has to deal with many times along their journey and its a question that is often asked with out the person asking realizing how much hurt they cause.
So here it is: Am I sure that being a Mother is part of God’s plan for me?
Firstly, let me say, if God had not intended me to be a mother, he could not have given me the tools to create life. So I have to say, yes, it is part of God’s plan for me to be a mother. If it weren’t he wouldn’t have given me a uterus, he wouldn’t have given me ovaries laden with eggs, he wouldn’t have given me fallopian tubes to carry sperm to my waiting eggs. Yes, perhaps those things don’t work as well as they should, but this is true for many people and many different circumstances. I also wear glasses because I have poor eye sight. Because my eye sight is poor I do not for one second believe that it wasn’t part of God’s plan for me to not see. Some of us just need additional help in certain area’s of our lives and this journey to find the help and over come the difficulty builds character, it creates human beings with beautiful spirits and it strengthens our faith in God and in His promises to u. Secondly, I believe that my strong desire to be a mother comes from God. I believe He gave me this desire because He has a plan for my life and part of that plan is to see the desires of my heart fulfilled.
I know so many of my feritle friends and readers want to be a good friend to me and to so many who walk the same path as me, but we’re strange creatures, very raw and very easily hurt. If you want to know how to be the best kind of friend/supporter of an infertile, please, I urge you to read This article.
Lastly, to the commenter who sparked this response, I would like to say two things. Firstly, I know that you comment came with the best intentions and the reason for my response in this manner is not so you can feel slapped in the face, but because they are the types of questions that we infertiles often get asked and I believe the answers are valid for all readers. Secondly, I want to thank you for asking these questions because I’ve been in a very bad place the last week. I’ve been beyond sad. I’ve questioned my faith, I’ve questioned the reasons why I’m doing this. I’ve felt lost and defeated and I’ve wanted to quit. But by addressing your questions here today, I’ve remembered the reasons why I’m doing this. Typing this posting has given me the strength to put a smile on my face and in my heart and to push ahead. For a while I started to worry that I’d misunderstood God’s promise to me, but by answering your questions here, I am once again reminded of God’s promise to me and I know I am meant to be a mother and in God’s time, I will be granted this desire. I have new strength to go on and fight the fight till God’s promise is fulfilled.