I’ve often wondered about this, but is it appropriate to share a negative experience with somebody going through a really rough time on the Infetility Support Forums? Should we allow our fellow IF and KuKd sisters to live with a tiny glimmer of hope, no matter how unrealistic it might be or should we share our experience and perhaps dash that glimmer of hope? I don’t know….
I’ve been around the block, so to speak, in terms of infertility, miscarriages, chemical pregnancies and fertility treatment. Hell I’ve been around the block a few times! I consider myself to be pretty much a veteran now, 6 years down the drag with 6 miscarriages, numerous chemical pregnancies, 3 IUI’s and 3 IVF’s all under my belt. Not to mention all the investigative tests and every alternative treatment under the sun attempted. In fact, I’ve pretty much survived everything infertility can throw at you, bar one experience, too terrifying, too shocking, too heartbreaking to even mention, I’m afraid to even think it let alone speak it, in case I speak it/think it too reality. I’ll give you a clue – two words, first word starts with an N and the second word is loss…
As an active member of Fertilicare I often see the newbies come and go, so sparkly and new and unbroken, so full of hope, able to turn even the most negative of circumstances into something positive, so naive, so sure that everything will work out. Not like me, all battered and bruised, with my back broken, dragging myself along on this journey, praying for a positive outcome but expecting the worst. I’ve had to sit back and have the shiny people say things to me like “Just pray really hard and your baby will be fine”. Well Sweetheart, if you knew how I have begged, pleaded and bargained with God to save every single one of my babies, you’d understand why your comment makes me want to reach through this computer and bitch slap you.
Do I dash the hopes of the shiny, sparkly people? Not to be mean, but to prepare them for what might and probably is about to come or do I just keep quiet and watch as they set themselves up for a huge fall? Is it wrong to be like them? All shiny and new and full of optimism or is it better to be like me? Jaded? I worry about girls who I see battling through a 2ww convincing themselves they’re pregnant, their optimistic postings in the pregnancy chat sections about symptoms, do I encourage them by saying “Yes yes, those are definitely pregnancy symptoms” or am I honest and truthful and say “Listen Love, those symptoms you’re describing, those are from all the hormones and medications that’s pumping through your system now”. When they get there low HCG counts and try to convince themselves that its going to be a positive out come, do I tell them about all my chemical pregnancies and about the chances that theirs is a chemical as well? When they do an HPT that shows a faint positive, do I tell them not to get excited until the second blood test, regardless of how difficult that is? Do I tell them how an HPT is not to be trusted, about how all of my chemical pregnancies showed up as faint positives despite the fact that my HCG counts were as low as 8. That despite the fact that the HPT pamphlet says that it can only detect HCG from 25 and higher, that they can in fact detect from far lower numbers than that?
Do I make myself the nasty bitch that’s so bitter and jaded that she no longer believes in miracles, not for herself or any of her fellow infertiles? Do I tell the truth and run the risk of having my fellow IF and KuKd sisters think I’m incapable of being joyful and optimistic for others?
So, do I tell the truth or just keep quiet?