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Its Almost Over

And not a moment to soon. I know this may sound odd to those who have not battled RPL, but those who have will relate to this statement completely:  My beta’s have dropped even further confirming the end in sight and aside from being sad, my most overwhelming emotions is one of relief. I can stop the roller coaster and get off. I know what to do, I’m in familiar territory and I know how to cope and get it done, done this 6 times, this time won’t be any different.

So for now I get to take off the Estra-Derm patches and allow my poor stomach some relief, I’ve already started applying healing ointment in the hope that my skin colour and texture will return to normal sometime soon and that the incessant burning and itching will pass in the next day or so. I can stop the Gestone shots and let the hard lumps and bumps in my bum start to slowly heal. All I have to do now is wait for the bleeding to start. I’m disappointed as I was hoping to have a D&C but apparently its too soon so I have to allow the miscarriage to come naturally. That’s also ok, I’ve done that 6 times before as well. I’m prepared, I have a few packs of Myprodols, I have hot water bottles and bean bags ready and in a day or so I’ll take to my bed with all of the above and wait for the pain to pass.

I also have some things to think about. Dr G feels that they have covered every base there is to cover. My immune tests and blood thinning disorder tests all came back normal. Our HLA studies came back proving that we do not share any antigens, our Chromosomal studies came back proving that we did not have any genetic clashes. All my internal issues have been resolved, the polyp was removed, the uterine scarring was removed, the partial septum was removed, the Hydrosalpingus was drained and removed. My uterus is in perfect shape to hold a pregnancy. The mere fact that there was communication between my uterus and the embryo of the FET proves that in theory all should be fine, but its not. So there is one other thing out there to try, one other thing that could make the difference between another early miscarriage and a live full term baby….. its the one thing that has sat like a quiet whisper in the back of my mind for sometime now, its the one thing that sounded like shouting voices when Dr G said it himself in our session this morning….. Donor Eggs!

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13 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    I’m so so sorry Sharon. I know that saying this does not make it any easier or better. I’m so very sorry that you have to go through all this, that it has to be such a roller-coaster ride. I’m so sorry that your beta count have come down again. I prayed so very hard and I feel so very sad for you and W.

    What do you feel about the doctor’s suggestion about donor eggs?

    Oh Sharon, I wish I was closer to be there for you, to give you hugs when you need it, to sit with you when you need quiet and to be the listening ear when you need to shout and vent and talk and cry.

    But even though I’m not physically there, I’m a mere email or Skype chat or Facebook chat away!

    Hugs, thoughts and prayers!!!!

    October 18, 2009 at 5:38 am
  • Reply Kristin

    Oh Sharon, I am so damned sorry you are stuck going down this road again. It sucks beyond belief and, even though it is familiar, I know it doesn’t make it hurt any less. If you need to talk to someone who has been down that road, let me know. Believe it or not, I get free calls to South Africa on my phone plan. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers my friend.

    October 18, 2009 at 6:18 am
  • Reply Elana Kahn

    I’m sorry that you have to deal with another loss, but I think donor eggs is a great option. And I will pray that this is the answer you’ve been waiting for. *hugs*

    October 18, 2009 at 7:05 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    Oh shaz… I really am at a loss for words. Please know that I have been thinking of you constantly. Trust your gut feel for planning your next step. Constantly in my thoughts and prayers x

    October 18, 2009 at 8:11 am
  • Reply Chrisle-Dubai

    Deciding to go the DE route is one of the most difficult decisions you have to make but I think when you hold your baby in your arms all that flies out of the window. We are going that route and after months of sleepless nights about all the normal DE questions we have found calmness in our hearts.I am so,so scared like I have never been before but also at the same time hopefull and thankfull that there is a woman out there that is making it possible for us to even have this option.Keep strong and hopefull, sometimes even the smallest ray of hope can carry us through the darkest of days.

    October 18, 2009 at 8:35 am
  • Reply Invivo

    You are in my thoughts often. My wish for you is a speedy recovery (both physical and emotional). Know that our hearts are breaking with you and that we share the burden of your pain by having to witness your suffering, nothing will bring us more joy that to see you happy and contented and I really hope we can share that with you really soon, whether that be a final resolving decision to hang up your gloves or whether it be another round of fighting with donor eggs or even your own eggs or adoption. There for you all the way. By hook or by crook.

    M xxx

    October 18, 2009 at 10:29 am
  • Reply Cindy

    I’m so sorry this is happening to you….again. At the same time I could almost feel your relief as you were typing this–relief despite the fact that I know you wished this could have turned out differently. You know the bases have been covered, covered, and covered again. Screw those bases…I’m excited about the hope of another way mentioned at the end of this post. I’m excited about your new bases.

    October 18, 2009 at 1:56 pm
  • Reply Yvonne

    I’m sorry.
    I’m sorry.
    I’m sorry.
    I’m sorry.
    I’m sorry.
    I’m sorry.
    I’m sorry.

    I still believe that all your dreams will come true. It will just be in a different way to the way you expected them to.

    (((HUGS)))

    October 18, 2009 at 2:07 pm
  • Reply Sandy

    Sharon,

    I’m so sorry. Wishing you moments of respite in what are sure to be tumultuous days ahead. Whatever decision you make will be the right decision for you. As always, if you decide to not pursue donor eggs, I’ll be here with my hands outstretched to help you to the other side. But if you do go with donor eggs, I’ll have my fingers crossed so hard for you that they’ll be very sore. Best of luck with your decisions, I imagine it’ll be tough to know what your true feelings are for a bit.

    Huge hugs,

    Sandy

    October 18, 2009 at 5:10 pm
  • Reply WiseGuy

    Dear Sharon,

    I am so crushed for you. I am not happy with the deal the Cosmos has handed you..this is pathetic. Somebody once opined that whatever happens, happens for good, but what I will really like to know is that why the good never happens in the first go.

    Give yourself a break. There can be other options as well. If there is fertilization and implantation, maybe surrogacy could also be an option? But please please please, do not think of what is to come, because there is pain in the present that needs to be completely borne.

    I am so sorry.

    October 18, 2009 at 6:27 pm
  • Reply Dee

    Im so sorry, Ive been thinking about you the whole weekend. I still cant believe this is happening to you. Im really sorry.

    Donor eggs is something I know a fair bit about, pls shout if you need any help with anything DE related.

    love me xxx

    October 18, 2009 at 8:25 pm
  • Reply Quiet Dreams

    So sorry. So sorry. I so wish it were different.

    October 18, 2009 at 8:31 pm
  • Reply loribeth

    So sorry to hear this, Sharon. 🙁 You deserve a “happily ever after,” however you find it!

    October 18, 2009 at 11:52 pm
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