IVF Preparation

Yesterday, the realization that I’ll be doing another IVF hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m afraid. My last IVF was horrible, the ER extremely traumatic and I’m afraid to go through it again. My IVF’s did not end well either, the first one I started bleeding 4 days before my scheduled test day, my second IVF was cancelled due to no fertilization and my third IVF I started bleeding 5 days after embryo transfer. I’m so afraid of that emotional roller-coaster.

We did PGD with our first IVF so we knew it was boys, we named them, and nicknamed them Pimple & Dimple, I loved them, despite the fact they were just rather odd looking balls of cells. I had hopes, dreams and aspirations for them. I was devastated when we lost them, on some levels it felt like a miscarriage. I was so depressed and so sad that I struggled to get out of bed, it felt like I had a 10 ton weight pressing me down, like I couldn’t breathe.

When I got the call from the lab that my second IVF was cancelled because there was no fertilization, I was devastated, I cried so hard I could hardly speak the following day, how could that happen. How could I go through the days of scanning, the ER, all for nothing. The disappointment was crushing.

My third IVF was pure hell, I was put on an Immune Protocol, this made me extremely susceptible to bruising and bleeding. I looked like somebody has shot me with buck shot, my thighs and stomach were one mass of polka dots in varying shades of green, purple and blue. My body hurt, I was tired, I was emotionally and physically spent. I felt like a robot. Then 5 days after embryo transfer I started with the familiar spotting. When I contacted my clinic they told me it was impossible as it was far too early. The more I tried to explain to them that I’d stimmed longer on this cycle and that even through I was only on like CD24 of my IVF cycle, I was in fact on CD28 of my natural cycle and that this was my cycle over riding everything. I was right, they were wrong, the bleeding got heavier and heavier and by the time my test day arrived I was in the throws of a full blown period. I was devastated.

And now I’m voluntarily putting myself through that again. I’m terrified. I know I promised I was going to be more positive, and I’m really working hard at it, still hoping I’m going to get my miracle before all of this, but there’s a part of me that’s really afraid of coping through another negative IVF. You cannot imagine how painful a failed IVF is until you’ve experienced an IVF. It makes all other types of fertility treatment look like a walk in the park in comparison. I know I’m brave and strong and I know I can get through it, but that doesn’t make me any less fearful of having to go through it again. All the very high high’s and the very low low’s. The fear and the physical discomfort, the hope and the disappointment.

22 Comments

  • charne

    October 22, 2008 at 9:51 am

    wish i knew what to say to ease your fears, lets just pray and hope this round is nothing like the other traumatic ivfs you had… thinkin of u

    Reply
  • nh

    October 22, 2008 at 10:08 am

    I wish I could offer words to make it better – but all I can say is I hope this is the best ever cycle for you and you get the outcome that you want!

    (ICLW)

    Reply
  • Maritza

    October 22, 2008 at 11:15 am

    Ons step at a time, one foot in front of another, somehow we deal with what we need to deal with. You know that as well as I, we’re made of sterner stuff.

    Best of luck Shaz, with both the mental and psychological preparation for your IVF. Focus on what you can control. No risk, no gain.

    Luv, M

    Reply
  • Sian

    October 22, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    EEEKK! I think I am feeling much the same way. My fear …..I know I will cope with a BFN, but I can remember that pain so clearly. So to imagine that I might have to go through it again is just so so scary!!!

    Reply
  • Murgdan

    October 22, 2008 at 12:25 pm

    More than anything I fear the hope and the dissappointment. But one thing you have learned is that you are strong-and that you will get through this. I just hope with all hopes that at the end you find your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

    Reply
  • Kristin

    October 22, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    Sharon…hoping and praying this one isn’t as bad. You know what, a failed IVF isn’t any different than a miscarriage. You lost a tiny bundle of cells that could have grown into a wonderful baby just like you would have in an early miscarriage. I am so sorry for your losses and am praying for a future miracle.

    ICLW

    Reply
  • Hollie

    October 22, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    I wish you all the best. I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. I just finished IVF #2 that ended with full blown bleeding 2 days before beta and ended with a chemical pregnancy. I know the fear you have. I know of the ER trauma as well. But, you have come this far. You can do it. Try to stay in your own zone. Try to go to a quiet place EVERY DAY and spend time relaxing each part of your mind and body. Start simply and sit under a tree, or after dark stare at a star for 5 minutes. Go to a place in your head where fears can’t come in. I pray for your peace and success in this cycle.

    Reply
  • Shawna

    October 22, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    I can’t imagine going through it. Honestly, I hope that I never have to. I also hope that the 4th time will be a charm for you and that you will get your little miracle from it. I am rooting for you, and your body. You are in my prayers.

    Reply
  • samcy

    October 22, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    My friend, you are allowed to feel terrified at the prospect of IVF # 4. But like M says take it one day at a time – try your best to enjoy your break now before you start bcp and stimms and breathe.

    Whatever happens we’ll be there for you – every step of the way.

    HUGS
    xxx

    Reply
  • Misty

    October 22, 2008 at 8:34 pm

    Remember that you are with VL this time, Shaz. They are probably the best at what they do. They will look after you. Don’t be afraid.
    My BIL told me this once…The price at the end of a long trial is measured by what you had to give up along the way to get there.
    There is a mighty big prize at the end of this. Focus on the prize.

    Reply
  • jodie38

    October 22, 2008 at 9:07 pm

    Totally hear ya, sister girl. It’s so hard to have faith in something that’s such a rough ride. But….we have to find it from somewhere. I’m (hopefully) getting ready to start another IVF cycle in the next couple of months and I just don’t have my head together about it yet. It sounds like VL is fabulous, and that’s a very good start. So, try to think of the carrot and not the stick, maybe? I’ll try to remember that too when I’m shoving a heparin syringe into my guts everyday – easier said than done, no? My fingers are crossed for you! Hang in there!

    Reply
  • Shell

    October 22, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    Sharon, there is not much that one can say that can make how you feel, better.. but MIRACLES do happen!! Hold onto that.. MIRACLES do happen!! you are in my thoughts and prayers! A huge hug!!

    xxx

    Reply
  • bellaandherfella

    October 23, 2008 at 2:42 am

    Ugh…that’s a lot of meds. Kind of intimidating to someone like me who is just gearing up for her first IVF. Good luck! I hope this IVF is your lucky one!

    (ICLW)

    Reply
  • Nancy

    October 23, 2008 at 7:24 am

    I’m sorry you have to know the trauma of a failed IVF. I had my first IVF cancelled due to lining and although it was a failed cycle, as we didn’t go to ET, I was still heartbroken.

    I remember leaving me “wish” on Mel’s wish stone post. I didn’t ask for a BFP. What I did ask for was for my heart to be able to come through the other side intact, no matter what the results of my treatments were. I think this is what you are hoping for youself (and of course, a baby along with it, but that goes without saying).

    I wish you all the luck you can make it through this cycle intact. And I wish you a very positive outcome too.

    (iclw)

    Reply
  • Adel

    October 23, 2008 at 8:01 am

    Your feelings are totally understandable!! Just take it one step at a time and you will get through it!! We are all here for you and thinking of you!

    Your miracle is on the way!

    Reply

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