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IVF/FET = Anxiety

The emotional side of being back on the IVF horse has really hit hard. So hard, in fact, that I’ve started taking Biral as a very mild sedative to try and help take the edge off. I’m extremely tearful and have not even had so much as one shot or pill as yet. Everything makes me cry, from stupid TV ads to lunch with friends.

A case in point, on Saturday I went for lunch with my good friends Tam & Sam. We were having a great time, a few Mojito’s, a couple of bottles of wine, delicious food and lots and lots of talking. We shared a lot about our individual journey’s. At one point both Sam & Tam were talking about how they’d been married for 5 years and how they’d gotten their dogs (as most of us infertiles do) as baby substitutes and how it was hard seeing their dogs grow up without children in sight. This sentiment overwhelmed me with sadness and before I could even stop it, the tears were rolling down my cheeks. I’m on my second round of baby substitutes. My first round is Penelope and she’s not going to be around for much longer, she’s old and sickly but she’s sweet and gentle and it breaks my heart to know that I’ll never get to see what she’s like with my children, she’ll be long gone before that happens.

Infertility is an odd journey, some days the pain is bearable, other days its overwhelming and then more often than not its completely surreal. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming, this really is my life, this really is my journey. I can’t believe that 7 years have past, I can’t believe that we’re into our 8th year of trying, I can’t believe I’ve survived 6 miscarriages, I can’t believe I haven’t been pregnant in 3 years, I can’t believe I’m 37 and time is well and truly running out.

Mostly I can’t believe that the desire for motherhood is so strong that I’m doing this to myself again, that in just a few short days I’ll be in the worst kind of 2ww, that its the 5th time I’ll be doing this particular 2ww, that I’m willingly putting myself through not just the physical discomfort, the mental discomfort or the emotional distress of another IVF/FET and THAT makes me extremely anxious.

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16 Comments

  • Reply Adi

    I’m so sorry 🙁 . Take care of yourself, you have a lot of people thinking of you this cycle. And cry all you want. It’s all good, even if it is upsetting at the time. Eight years… it is a long time for hope to last. Those are tough tears of steel, hey.

    September 22, 2009 at 8:31 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I’m so sorry to read that things are so incredibly difficult and challenging at the moment. Know that you are never alone and that I’m always keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!!

    September 22, 2009 at 8:40 am
  • Reply Abs

    I’m right here with you on this journey Sharon. If you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, I’m just a phone call away. I’ll be keeping you in my daily prayers as always and hoping that this is it for us both.((HUGS))

    September 22, 2009 at 8:59 am
  • Reply Cheryl

    8 years is such a long time, you are an incredible strong women! never forget that. Dont let go of your dream. I have started stims for IVF 4 this morning, we have TTC for 3 years now and I find you blog so inspirational, sometimes you put into words what I am thinking and feeling and I feel so relived that I am not the only one with these fears and thoughts. Thank you for sharing. I pray that this will be the last IF procedure that you have to go through.

    September 22, 2009 at 9:24 am
  • Reply Sian

    It is tough because there is so much on the line. I think that it is only human to have these feelings. I am hoping and praying that this is it for you.

    September 22, 2009 at 10:03 am
  • Reply Jenny

    You have no idea how much i am hoping that this time works for you!

    September 22, 2009 at 11:00 am
  • Reply Invivo

    Hoping and praying for all to go well. Praying that YOUR moment will finally arrive, we’re all waiting with you anxiously but full of hope and great expectation. Take special care of yourself.

    September 22, 2009 at 11:07 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    hoping and praying… all the way with you x

    September 22, 2009 at 12:16 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    Oh Shaz, I’m sorry it’s tearing you up so badly right now. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers are with you.

    September 22, 2009 at 1:23 pm
  • Reply Melanie

    Keeping you in my prayers.

    Oh by the way i am totally addicted to your blog

    September 22, 2009 at 3:37 pm
  • Reply Hollie

    Shaz, I’m glad that you are in touch with these feelings. Thats part of the battle. It is okay to be scared. I think it makes you more human to be scared. Rightfully so, you have a lot riding on this. I wish you peace, my friend, and when it gets too unbearable, I pray you can sit back, take a deep breath, and know that you are giving it your all. Be proud of that. I continue to pray for a positive outcome in this for you. Lots of hugs and love and prayers!

    September 22, 2009 at 4:00 pm
  • Reply Esperanza

    That all sounds amazingly stressful. I hope, hope, hope, hope that things work out and you get the best kind of ending to your 2WW. As for furbabies, I just got one myself. I don’t know what I’d do if she never got to meet my children (if I even have any). That is definitely a sad, difficult thought. You’re right wonder how this could happen. You’re right to be incredulous. It’s unfair and it’s insane. I hope you get the happy ending you deserve.

    September 23, 2009 at 6:49 am
  • Reply Circus Princess

    I Wipe the tears off my face as I look over at my own furry baby curled up in a ball sleeping. You put the struggle in to such simple and emotional words, thank you.

    BEST of luck to you!!

    September 23, 2009 at 11:21 am
  • Reply Tam

    It was wonderful, as always to spend time with you sweets and be able to talk so opening with you about all of our journeys.

    You are an amazing women Shaz, you have endured so much in the past 8 years and I really am amazed at your strength.

    I’m hoping that this is the happy ending to your journey my friend, I want to be able to hold your little one oneday and share the love we already have for you.

    Hugs xxx

    September 23, 2009 at 12:49 pm
  • Reply April

    Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out.

    ICLW

    September 23, 2009 at 5:20 pm
  • Reply SCY

    My friend you are always able to cry vent shout scream whatever with me. I’m here for you and I wish I could help this anxiety in some way. Just know I’m thinking of you and praying for you and here anytime you need someone to talk to, vent with, etc etc.

    Love you!
    xxx

    September 24, 2009 at 9:45 am
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