The emotional side of being back on the IVF horse has really hit hard. So hard, in fact, that I’ve started taking Biral as a very mild sedative to try and help take the edge off. I’m extremely tearful and have not even had so much as one shot or pill as yet. Everything makes me cry, from stupid TV ads to lunch with friends.
A case in point, on Saturday I went for lunch with my good friends Tam & Sam. We were having a great time, a few Mojito’s, a couple of bottles of wine, delicious food and lots and lots of talking. We shared a lot about our individual journey’s. At one point both Sam & Tam were talking about how they’d been married for 5 years and how they’d gotten their dogs (as most of us infertiles do) as baby substitutes and how it was hard seeing their dogs grow up without children in sight. This sentiment overwhelmed me with sadness and before I could even stop it, the tears were rolling down my cheeks. I’m on my second round of baby substitutes. My first round is Penelope and she’s not going to be around for much longer, she’s old and sickly but she’s sweet and gentle and it breaks my heart to know that I’ll never get to see what she’s like with my children, she’ll be long gone before that happens.
Infertility is an odd journey, some days the pain is bearable, other days its overwhelming and then more often than not its completely surreal. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming, this really is my life, this really is my journey. I can’t believe that 7 years have past, I can’t believe that we’re into our 8th year of trying, I can’t believe I’ve survived 6 miscarriages, I can’t believe I haven’t been pregnant in 3 years, I can’t believe I’m 37 and time is well and truly running out.
Mostly I can’t believe that the desire for motherhood is so strong that I’m doing this to myself again, that in just a few short days I’ll be in the worst kind of 2ww, that its the 5th time I’ll be doing this particular 2ww, that I’m willingly putting myself through not just the physical discomfort, the mental discomfort or the emotional distress of another IVF/FET and THAT makes me extremely anxious.