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Lets Talk About Sex Baby!

Ok, a touchy subject I know. But I need HELP!

*Warning* Not for prudes!

Somewhere during the 7 odd year journey to parenthood, my get-up-and-go got up and left! And I’m talking about my sex drive. I used to have a healthy relationship with sex but now… not so much!

What happened that my sex drive got so completley switched off and more importantly how do I get it back?

I’m not one of those women who is happy to never have sex again. And I know from friends (no names mentioned) that I’m not alone in feeling this way. But the biggest difference between me and them is that I want to want it. I just don’t.

When I went to the gynae for my check up in September I discussed this with her, hoping for some miracle pill that I could just pop that would bring my sex drive back but there was non forthcoming. Instead she spent an hour and a half talking to be about the pro’s and con’s of date night and various birth control options and I left there feeling dejected as it really didn’t help me at all.

My problem is two fold, between my infertility and recurrent miscarriages and the weight I have gained in the years of IF, I have developed an intense hatred for my body. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of all the fat wobbly bits and really don’t want any of it to be seen or touched in any way and I despise it for all the babies that died inside of it. And the second problem, I believe, relates to all the years of invasive and humiliating scans and egg retrievals and just basically lying with my legs in the air while a room full of people peer down there.

So what to do? I’m married to a sexy beefcake of a man who is only in his early 30’s! This so isn’t fair on him either! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

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16 Comments

  • Reply waiting4amiracle

    I think you need to learn to love yourself again. From what you are saying I don’t think there is a pill to make those lustful feelings magically come back. I so understand that feeling of hatred toward your body and the answer is obviously forgiveness…..but how? What can we do to REALLY forgive our bodies? and ourselves. When you get closer to the answer please tell me.

    February 1, 2011 at 10:47 am
  • Reply bratty37

    I know that feeling Sharon…but I have a plan. I do not know if it will work but I am going to give it a try. I read a book recently about a couple that had sex every day for 100 days. It turned their sex life and relationship around…for the better. If I remember, I will email you the name of the book. Hell, if it works GREAT…if it doesn’t, at least I have a happy husband for 100 days..
    Anyway, today is day 1 for me…..I will keep you posted….smile

    February 1, 2011 at 11:28 am
  • Reply tzipieastwest

    Sharon, I am sorry for what you are experiencing: here are some tips:

    1) Reconnect to your own body : You already started well by going Pilates and your healthy diet/loosing weight. I hear you about developing a hatred for your body because of IF/treatments etc. If you reconnect to your body again through pleasure, you will start loving your body again.
    So you could go for a weekly massage by a therapist you trust to “heal” what your body went through + the pilates you are already attending + taking extra good care of your body (food, exercise, massaging body cream you like after shower, living through your senses and not 100% in your head). Granted our bodies did not “provide” what we wanted but let’s respect our bodies amazing capacity to remain healthy despite all the crap hormones we took, ….

    2) Reconnect to your DH’s body : Tango classes 😉 , massage classes and practice, try to experience nice things through your senses, fresh air on the skin, sun, tastes of healthy and tasty food, grass on you bare feet write them down/communicate to your DH …. could be an easier start !

    Hope you find joy in living in your body again !

    February 1, 2011 at 12:10 pm
  • Reply lolly

    Like sleep breeds sleep, sex breeds sex. Sure having kids changing things.
    But just try and force yourself to have sex. Try for 3 nights in a row, no matter how silly or insecure you feel. Put on ya sexiest undies under ya fav jammies and climb into bed and take them off (the jammies).
    A quickie can also do wonders… Esp if its unfinished.
    Or a steamy, hinting text to him. It means he will be in the mood, and you can take it from there.

    Above all, fake sexy! Fake till you make it! Fake feeling sexy, its like practise. Suddenly one day you’ll actually feel sexy!
    Helps you to get over yourself and just be.
    🙂

    February 1, 2011 at 12:32 pm
  • Reply To Love Bella

    Hey Shazzles. I agree with what alot of the girls are saying – ‘reconnect’ with your body. And it is true that Pilates should help you out with creating body awareness again.
    Sex is MUCHO importanto to me too, so I know what you mean. Travs and I use to do this role play thing (not in the dodgy sense!!) – I’d go to a pub before him and then sit on my own; then he’d come through later and eventually ‘pick me up’. It was fun, and to be honest with you, just the mere thought of it got both of us very, very excited. Better still if someone tries to pick you up before he has a chance! 😉
    Massage is a good way of getting in the mood; and TALKING. Not filthy dirty if it doesn’t rock your boat, but talking about what you want to do. That usually does it for me.
    And lastly, (and I KNOW you will ‘get’ this). I look at Travers. I REMEMBER things that make me blush. Then there’s the eye contact. Look at his hands; REMEMBER. Our mind is damn powerful. That’s what I do alot – remember. And we talk about some of the extra delicious times of the past too.
    It’s like riding a bicycle! 🙂

    February 1, 2011 at 12:49 pm
  • Reply aussiekim

    Shaz that sexy beefcake aka Walter ;] no doubt finds you way more attractive than you think you are. Women are harsher on evaluating their own bodies than men are.
    You need to reconnect and repair the intimate connection you once had with Walter. Remember the good ole days of holding hands, lingering hugs, stolen glances and butterflies in your tum simply thinking about him. Mentally shift gears from Mommy Mode to Sex Goddess Mode. Surprise Walter and book a nice hotel room, even in your own town, for a night to spice things up. Share a relaxing candelit spa bath with a glass of bubbles each. Take along some sexy new lingerie for you and some new sleep shorts for him, some massage oil, some chocolate dipped strawberries and rediscover all the reasons why you fell for the sexy beefcake when you first met hehehehe!

    Hugs

    Kimmie
    x

    February 1, 2011 at 2:00 pm
  • Reply thebsdiaries

    ooooh! i am NOT saying Walter is my husband or all men are alike but I was going through new motherhood and family issues and IF issues and bam, hubby found it elsewhere. Sharon – FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. The more you do it, the more you want it. Proven fact so like Nike says, Just Do It – and use whatever you need to to get in the mood!!!

    February 1, 2011 at 3:55 pm
  • Reply Jessica Emilia

    Like someone wrote – reconnect with you body! Love it – eat well, exercise, take a belly dance or pole dancing class! Fake admoration for it and the real sentiment will follow. I hear you…i’ve gained weight because i have not learned to eat like a human and not a beast. (I have no real excuse).
    Yet – I’ve been practicing yoga for over 2 years now and I can’t say enough about it. I have a deeper connection and appreciation for my body ever since starting yoga. For a long time I felt like it was good for nothing. I get a period and can get pregnant but couldn’t hold my babies until viability. But then I thought: my God, my body is resilient, it provided a home for all my girls – including the one i finally got to take home. Your body has withstood fertility treatments and such. It is a testimony to your journey – love it! Even if slowly at first.
    I would also suggest therapy for body image. Sex begins in the mind and harbors in emotions. If you are not appreciating yourself your body can’t rev up for lovemaking. I really really really beleive in therapy.

    February 1, 2011 at 8:30 pm
  • Reply To Love Bella

    Sorry.. I’m back here!
    I just wanted to add that I really do think (and always have) that you are truly one of the most beautiful women I have seen. Your face is alight and you have SO much passion!!!!!! I am sure that your Beefcake agrees with that.
    xx

    February 2, 2011 at 8:02 am
  • Reply orbit365

    I think that you have had some pretty good feedback in these comments. Don’t feel bad about the way you feel. I found it really difficult in the beginning of parenthood (actually for the first year at least) to go from Mother to Lover in an instant. It does take work and a lot of it is mind over matter.
    I agree with others about reconnecting with your body. I do yoga for this purpose. Are you on the pill? I ask because every single thing that has ever been written about the pill suppressing libido is true. Only now that I’m no longer on it do I see that this is totally the case.
    Another thing to consider: Explore your body. That is all.
    xx
    ps…your husband is HOT and so are you. Don’t forget that.

    February 2, 2011 at 10:16 am
  • Reply talithasmom

    Wow Sharon my dear, how can you tell my story like that :Lol
    ThankU for this post.. Thats all i have to say ThankU ThankU ThankU and i wish you all the luck, the strength, the mindshift, whatever it is needed to get back into the swing of things.. xoxox
    ps: (oh, and if u do find that miracle-pill..PLS forget me not 🙂

    February 2, 2011 at 3:13 pm
  • Reply darylfaure

    I heard about the 30 day sex challenge, and I’m seriously considering giving it a try myself. DH and I did it every second day for a week over my ovulation time, and it really does make a difference. Even though I wasn’t particularly always in the mood, I quite enjoyed it, and it certainly bought us closer. I think there is a lot to be said for “the more you have it, the more you want it”. Let us know how it goes.

    February 2, 2011 at 6:52 pm
  • Reply Mash

    My friend and her husband used to have sex, wait for it, three times a day. (They both worked from home and had stress free lives). She had a baby a year ago, and they’ve had sex about four times in total since then. Thought I should mention that. Of course I don’t really have any suggestions or answers since things in that department are extremely dire for me!

    February 3, 2011 at 10:29 am
  • Reply coachmarcia

    I love it when you get real!

    I am also battling – but intellectually I know when we do do it, I enjoy it a lot and always think, “why don’t we do this more?”

    that said, i’ve just finished a book about sex and I need to blog my findings. maybe tomorrow.

    if you find the magic pill before I do, let me know.

    February 3, 2011 at 11:58 am
  • Reply mrssee2

    Sounds exactly like me. Except that DH is the same and also can’t be bothered. Bring on a pill. Let us know if anything works for you.

    February 3, 2011 at 5:00 pm
  • Reply robged

    Oh Shaz, its so good to know I am not alone and so good to be able to be open!!! Well the thought of gym, pilates etc is just an ill thought for me…. NO TIME….TOTALLY EXHAUSTED AND THE THOUGHT EVEN EXHAUSTS ME………………….. so honestly i have no answers besides have to agree that Walter sees you as a “perfect being” and Shaz you have such a gorgeous smile and always radiant which to me goes far beyoud the look of ones body etc and I know you don’t feel it but I am sure Walter adores your every little roll so just give it to him baby even if it is with a “DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO THIS” and try this for a 3 days in a row and hey maybe this will get you going!!! Good Luck…. Love robz

    February 7, 2011 at 8:57 am
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