Sometimes, I feel that becoming a mother launched me into outer space and I landed on a new planet, surrounded by people I don’t know and governed by a whole new set of rules, and feel disconnected from the people I held dear and counted on.
My transition from infertile to mother after infertility has been made so much harder by my own short sightedness and my own doing. As a form of self-preservation, I immersed myself in the infertility community, I turned my back on my fertile, having-baby friends and surrounded myself with people on the same path as me. Little realizing that at some point, either these new friends would become having-baby friends or *shock* I’d have a baby.
Well the latter happened, rather suddenly in fact, I *shock* had a baby and in record time and it gave neither myself or my friends a chance to adjust to my new role and my new life and to the new norms of a life with a small baby. The last 6 months have been hard for all of us, feelings have been hurt, its only now, slowly slowly starting to settle and come right but there are times when it’s really hard.
Life for Walter and I is very different to what it was 6 months ago, late night parties are a thing of the past, frankly, entertaining a small baby the day after a big night it just too bluddy awful that I avoid it at all costs, evenings out, especially in Jo’burgs freezing cold winter night-time temperatures are a thing of the past. Attending concerts and big sporting events are not practical at the moment, in fact anything that doesn’t offer a safe, warm, environment for my baby is simply a no go. If I’m honest, sometimes I feel a little depressed by the state of our social calendar. We’ve gone from being social butterflies to social dead beats.
All of this is made worse by Walters circumstance. He is the Quality Assurance manager for a small Teleco company. It’s a high pressure environment that does not keep office hours, add to that, he’s studying towards doing his Masters Degree in System’s Engineering and all of this adds up to very little time spent together.
Its my 38th birthday (fark, I’ll be 40 in two years, that alone is enough to make me depressed) & a public holiday tomorrow. We’ve been invited to a picnic but won’t be able to attend given that the predicted temperatures for Jo’burg are -3 degrees to 9 degrees, simply not an option with a 6 month old and Walter has an assignment and presentation due for Thursday so he’ll be at varsity on Wednesday afternoon and evening and all of it adds up to what I’m expecting to be a rather lonely birthday, its times like these that I really feel the distance between myself and my family.
A read a fellow mother-after-infertility’s blog this morning, where she described grappling with finding her groove as a mother. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, I guess its highly dependent on how one becomes a mother-after-infertility, for some of us the transition is more extreme than others. I consider mine to be pretty extreme – a 6 day pregnancy followed the by the birth of our daughter – and I can honestly say that finding my groove in motherhood has at times, been harder than the journey to motherhood.
Who would have thought!