Marriage – Do You Also Struggle With The Disconnect?

Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage – Frank Sinatra

Then come the babies and then…………

Well, lots of bloody hard work! 

And with the stresses and strains of modern living, sometimes if feel like we’re just ships passing in the night.

Do you ever feel like that with your significant other? Like you’re living passed each other? Between our jobs and our children and our hobbies, we really have to fight to eek out a tiny slice of time for each other.

And I know, I know, I’ve read all the tips the internet has to offer, about date nights and making time. But the reality is that it’s not that easy and it’s not always possible. And we don’t have a support structure we can count on, our families both live far away, there is no granny or grandpa, auntie or uncle who can take our kids for a couple of hours and give us some desperately needed alone time. 

Our home runs on a strict routine. We both get up at 5am. He leaves for gym, I pack everyone’s bags and prepare the breakfasts. He gets back at 6am and feeds our children, I go running. By 7am he’s  out the door with our eldest just as I’m arriving back. Then I need to dive through the shower and be out the door by 07h30 with our youngest. 

Then it’s school run and work and work and fight the traffic and get home and pack lunches and prepare suppers. We have a little bit of time together as a family between 6pm and 7:30pm before its bath and bed time for the girls. But that’s quality time for our children and not us. It’s impossible to hold an adult conversation during the time. between the interruptions of the littlies demanding our attention and yelling every 5 minutes for someone to eat their supper, take their finger out the dogs bum, stop fighting, put the chair down….. there’s just no time for meaningful conversation. 

Once the girls are bathed and in bed, the kitchen gets tidied and that is the first minute I’ve had alone since leaving the office, so that’s my quality book and coffee time. By 9pm, we both fall into bed exhausted and then we rinse and repeat the next day.

And we go like this for long stretches of time and the disconnect between us grows and grows and then finally an opportunity will arise that will allow us to reconnect again. I know, as our girls grow  up and demand and need less and less from us, it will get easier, but damn it, I miss my husband. 

And with this frantic schedule, honestly, sometimes it just feels like we’re living passed each other and I miss my husband, I miss my friend. That’s why I’m soooo looking forward to next weekend. 

Next weekend is my husbands year end function. His company is famous for the extravagant and fantastic year end functions. This year, they’re taking us to Sun City for two days. We’ll be staying, child free, at The Palace and get to spend two whole days having a blast and reconnecting with each other.

I can’t wait! 

September 22, 2016
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30 Comments

  • Reply Shafeeka

    Loved this! Not sure how, but it helps to know that this is much more common than we tell ourselves. Thanks for sharing.

    September 22, 2016 at 8:09 am
  • Reply Caroline

    OMG… you read my mind… I feel like we are so disjointed, just pass in the passage.

    September 22, 2016 at 8:20 am
  • Reply Vanessa

    Completely relate to what you are saying. I never understood how you could live with someone, sleep next to them and still feel disconnected. I love my husband, sometimes I miss him so much. Those reconnecting moments are very important. Enjoy your weekend away!

    September 22, 2016 at 8:32 am
  • Reply Jodie

    Is it that time of the year already??? Yes, yes and yes. I often think of how terrible it is to mostly divert to “me time” once the kids are down and the supper’s done (I cook the night before) instead of US time but like you say, getting stuck in a book is so relaxing 🙂 Enjoy the time away, you deserve it!!

    September 22, 2016 at 9:01 am
  • Reply Bridgette

    Glad to know I am not the only one feeling this way…just as it gets easier, it gets a little harder. Its virtually impossible to have an adult conversation with the kids around. Its harder for me cos I work shifts so I definitely miss the intense connection…

    September 22, 2016 at 9:25 am
  • Reply Immeasurable Love

    Oh I hear you! We tried to have a date night last night….and it was only semi successful. This stage of life takes a lot of effort.

    September 22, 2016 at 9:27 am
  • Reply moonstormer

    Enjoy the weekend away – sounds divine!
    Definitely get the disconnect. It’s why I keep trying to ban screen time (for both of us) during meals or parts of the evening. But sometimes we connect best by lying on the couch together while one of us plays games… so it’s hard to really know what’s best. It’s part of why I’ve become more convinced that marriage is so important before having kids – without that legal hassle, it becomes far too easy to become disconnected and just walk away.

    September 22, 2016 at 9:31 am
  • Reply Celeste Booysen

    My life! I so relate to this post. In every single little detail. Enjoy your time away. I used a school committee meeting cheese and wine as “Date night” last night. One hour the kids played at a friend and we were without them. Not enough time to heal the disconnect.

    September 22, 2016 at 10:13 am
  • Reply catjuggles

    I am so glad we are not the only ones. We have the same problem – no support system and hec, it’s stinks. I wish we had something lovely like you to look forward to – but I guess we need to make that for ourselves! Enjoy !!!!

    September 22, 2016 at 10:49 am
  • Reply Cassey Toi

    Yay for a weekend together without your kids. This has me just counting my blessings, J and I tend to get about a half an hour together during the day most weekdays. And even though it’s just coffee or quick lunch, it helps a lot.

    September 22, 2016 at 11:10 am
  • Reply lindasjournal

    I so hear you with this post. It is like you are living my life. Enjoy your break!!!

    September 22, 2016 at 11:43 am
  • Reply 3trollsmom

    I am struggling very desperately with this at the moment. The added weight of recovering from a serious bout of depression has really taken its toll on our marriage and the hamster wheel is different from 6 months ago, but no less frenetic. And I am carving out time for myself as I need this to continue the recovery process and because it is feeding the positive path I am desperately trying to keep walking.
    I have found myself wondering lately if I am wanting or expecting too much from our marriage, but if I am feeling like there is a massive disconnect is there something wrong with me? Or has the path I am treading on so carefully changed something in me that is leaving me unfulfilled and wanting more?
    Nice to know that I am, in part, not alone in my fears and distress about where things are heading
    LOVE your posts

    September 22, 2016 at 10:53 pm
  • Reply spiritedmama1

    I hear you and it resonates…..I am already worrying about what’ll happen when the resident alien arrives in 20weeks time….when Dudie was about 5yrs I actually felt like a person, like me, without having the “mommy guilt” and here I am having baby Nr 2.

    September 23, 2016 at 12:38 am
  • Reply Heather

    Can so relate.

    September 25, 2016 at 10:05 am
  • Reply Zah

    Dear Sharon, so HOW did my life story ended up on your blog… please do tell.. (*LoL*)

    “I’ve read all the tips the internet has to offer, about date nights and making time. But the reality is that it’s not that easy and it’s not always possible. And WE DON’T HAVE A SUPPORT STRUCTURE we can count on, our families BOTH live FAR AWAY, there is NO GRANNY or GRANDPA, AUNTIE or UNCLE who can take our kids for a couple of hours and give us some desperately needed alone time.”

    …and more

    September 29, 2016 at 3:06 pm
    • Reply Sharon

      I’m so glad I’m not alone in this struggle!

      September 29, 2016 at 3:30 pm

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