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Mental Preparation

So I have the physical side of my FET preparation under control but the more I think about going into another cycle (this will be No.5 if I include my fresh & cancelled cycles and not counting the timed & IUI cycles) the more I realize I’m so out of the “zone”, I’m just not mentally prepared for this at all and I think I need to whip my subconscious/internal dialogue into shape as well. The mere thought of facing another IVF/FET and all that it entails,  is enough for me to feel my anxiety levels start to increase.

I’m officially AD free, have been for a week today, and so far I’m feeling just fine, of course, I’m not having to deal with anything as heart wrenching as a failed/cancelled cycle so time will tell how well I actually do cope.

I’ve been yoyo’ing on both sides of the fence with regards to going into this FET totally believing that it absolutely-will-with-all-the-certainty-I-can-muster-within-my-being, work and perhaps setting myself up for a crushing disappointment followed by months of depression and a looong emotional recovery as was my experience with my last failed IVF. Or going into this as realistically as possible, believing that sooner or later something will work, it just may not work on this specific FET.

I’m afraid of going into this round all gung-ho believing and then having to cope with the disappointment, I’m afraid of that additional pressure that will put on me and lets be honest – an IVF/FET is pressurized and stressful enough without all the other bull shit. I don’t need to have extra stuff to beat myself up over, I already do a pretty damn good job all by myself, without beating myself up over the fact that perhaps I never believed enough or wasn’t positive enough or any of the other reasons why we infertiles think that cycles fail because of something we did. I already have a world of self made blame sitting squarely on my shoulders without adding to it.

I guess the fear of setting myself up for a massive disappointment comes from my experience with my last IVF. I have SO many friends who fell pregnant with their first IVF’s at Vitalab and I so strongly believed the same would be true for me that it was completely astounding to me that it actually failed and I’m so afraid for believing so strongly again and having to face that massive disappointment all over again. My last IVF was so “perfect” that even my RE told me that if the Dr’s were betting men and they’d have to put money on who would receive a BFP out of ALL their patients having IVF with me, it would be us because we were “streets ahead of everyone else in tems of quality and quantity and prognosis, nobody could touch us”!

I suppose all of this is what makes IVF/FET’s so much harder than your other run of the mill fertility treatments because even when everything is perfect, when there are beautiful little embryo’s gently placed back in your womb it can just fail. Of course with my history, its not just the getting a BFP that’s stressful, the true terror will start there after when I try to live through each day without driving myself insane with my constant repeated mantra of “God please let this baby live! God please let this baby live! God please let this baby live”!

At the end of the day what will be will be and probably the best approach for me is to just go with the flow, if I have a super + day then great, but if I’m feeling a little – I guess that’s also ok, I just have to get through it somehow.

After all, I really want a baby……….

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10 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    And don’t forget, this time round you will have a new little puppy being there for company, a shift in focus when things feel really full-on and I guess keeping things more “normal” for you as you start this new roller-coaster journey. This puppy will need you, so it will give you something to focus on as you wait at different stages of the process.

    That’s what I found with our journey, it helped when I had other things to focus on rather than just focussing on the situation I had to deal with, the “what ifs” that like to make my mind their home. It helped when there was something different, a different focus that required my attention. if anything at least it will help pass the time and give you less “thinking time”.

    Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts!!!!!

    June 19, 2009 at 6:21 am
  • Reply Elize

    Hon, it’s going to be difficult and trying, but I know you will get through this with the inner strength that you possess. Praying for you. Doing IVF takes huge amounts of courage, and you are very couragious.

    June 19, 2009 at 7:13 am
  • Reply dee

    Oh boy, do I know how you are feeling! Im in the same boat…

    Sorry I didnt drop by and wish you happy bday! I really hope you had a fantastic time!
    xxx

    June 19, 2009 at 10:24 am
  • Reply Murgdan

    I hear you. And am dreading it too…and my belt doesn’t even have very many notches on it. Hang in there—I’ll be right here with you. Should be starting my cycle next week.

    June 19, 2009 at 12:58 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    I think the mental mind f*ck of infertility is the very worst part of it.

    I’ll be thinking of you and hoping and praying everything works out.

    June 19, 2009 at 1:18 pm
  • Reply skrambled

    Very well put. I know what you mean.

    June 19, 2009 at 1:56 pm
  • Reply ^WiseGuy^

    Sharon…my best wishes are with you….I know that you need all the emotional strength to go through with this…All the best!

    June 19, 2009 at 3:05 pm
  • Reply samcy

    I hear you loud and clear my friend, and you know what? Its ok to have a good day here and a bad day there… it’s natural. That being said I *know* you can do this – you’ve got that inner strength that will get you through it.

    And I’ll be cheering you all the way from the sidelines 🙂

    xxx

    June 19, 2009 at 4:29 pm
  • Reply C

    Yes and the more you do the harder it gets. You must do what you need to get through this and if you have an off day then it’s OK, this journey is hard enough without additional pressure. Just take it one day at a time. Good Luck!.

    June 20, 2009 at 9:58 am
  • Reply Susan

    Hi Sharon,

    I am starting IVF soon too and will be right there on that treadmill with you. What we both have to remember, is that everyday was written in Gods book before they came to be (Psalms 139:13). Not to say that it doesn’t suck when we discover that it must not be in Gods will. What I am saying is that the more I tread on this journey, the more I realize that I’m not the one in control of my life. Do keep going though, because you never know.. and this could all be part of the journey that was planned for you = maybe something bigger. Hugs.

    June 20, 2009 at 1:09 pm
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