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Messing With My Head….

confusedI had my follow up appointment with my RE this am. The very appointment which was supposed to give me closure has wound up causing me even more confusion. So let me start off by saying I’m a very decisive person. I pretty much always know what I want and how to go about getting it. I always know what is the write course of action for me to take and I rarely deviate from that. But after this mornings appointment, I’m left feeling confused and not knowing which way to turn and I hate that!

So here’s the deal……

My clinic are currently working with a clinic overseas doing testing on what could potentially be ground breaking embryo/egg testing that is as yet not freely available. The gist of it… unlike PGD (Pre implantation Genetic Testing) which only tests 5 or 6 different chromosomes and can pick up a few Trisomey’s and that’s pretty much it. This new form of testing will be able to fully genetically diagnose the quality of the genetics of an egg, note I’m NOT talk egg quality but egg genetic quality. So far, what they’ve been doing is with the consent of patients, shipping off 3 day old fertilized eggs which have stopped developing or did not fertilize, for further analysis and apparently the results have been astounding… very very high percentage of these eggs are genetically abnormal. The findings also point to the fact that women in the age groups from 24 to 32 have the best genetically sound eggs.

Baring in mind that all of my miscarriages occur between 5 & 6 weeks and that I’ve been unable to naturally conceive since 34 years old, my RE feels that there is a strong indication that genetically there is a problem with my eggs. So, his suggestion, but of course, we can choose to forgo option one and move straight to option two or just ignore all the options are as follows:

Option 1:

Low dose stimulation, to produce 6-7 eggs followed by GIFT where all 6-7 eggs would be transferred allowing nature to naturally select the most genetically pure egg. This treatment would be backed up with Intralipids again, as well as Clexane. My RE feels that even though none of my blood tests point towards blood clotting disorders, because of advancements in science and continuous testing and changing, one does not actually know if in a year or two a new test will become available that could indicate a problem in this area, so he’d like to throw it into the mix as well. I won’t need Estraderm again(thank GOD, I could not face battling the rash again) and I probably won’t need Gestone again as its also become apparent that that is not making a difference to the outcome, something I’m quite pleased about, I’d rather not face those nasty butt shots again. My RE feels that if the issue is genetically abnormal eggs, that my risk for multiples is really low, hence the 6 or 7 eggs to be transferred and that we’d probably only get a singleton ( if anything at all). My initial objection is that 6 of my 7 pregnancies were achieved naturally, so if natural selection was ALL THAT, why then did we still land up with the same result. His response – because my body was performing natural selection from one egg, now we’re going to allow natural selection with 6-7 eggs thereby increasing the odds of nature selecting a genetically  normal egg.

Option 2:

IVF with Egg Donor and Clexane & Intralipids.

My RE feels we should go the GIFT route first and then try DE IVF. To be honest, I’m so confused, I don’t know what is the right route to take. I’m still not even convinced I want to continue on with treatment. Having said that, as excited as I am about the adoption option, I’m also realistic about the availability of Caucasian babies and feel that perhaps I should not write off the treatment option all together.  The worst part is that the two treatment options are based purely on speculation and nothing scientific and I hate that! Should we choose to go that route, we would be basing our decision purely on a trust of my RE’s more than 20 years experience and his gut feel, there are no other grounds on which to base that decision. I hate the fact that this has ignited a tiny spark of hope in me again. I want it extinguished, I want my life simplified. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what option to take. If we were to consider treatment again, and to be honest, I don’t see myself doing anything right now, but I am open to the possibility of trying again in 6 months or so, I don’t know which option to take. While I trust my RE’s judgment and understand the logic behind what he is suggesting, I’m terrified of GIFT with the same outcome. But I’m also afraid of the DE route. Its a massive financial outlay and at the end of it we could still be told to consider surrogacy. The whole uterus issue is still on the cards, my RE does not believe it is the issue here, but, we have to be realistic and face the fact that I could try GIFT and DE IVF and still land up being faced with the surrogacy choice.

I’m also confused about the treatment option because I want to get a life now, I want to start living life to the full and not have boundaries set by treatment but I’m also afraid of looking back in 10 years time and regretting the choices I made. Feeling like I didn’t try hard enough or that I did leave stones unturned. The truth of the matter is that at 37.5 time is running out for me, I can’t take a couple of years off, in a couple of years it will be over for me.

For now, Dr G has convinced me that the pill is the best option for me, I have a 6 month script for Yasmine and 6 months to wait on guidance from God and come to some kind of decision. Of course, we could also get selected via adoption during that period (PLEASE GOD) and then none of this will even matter.  The hardest part of me, being the Type A, super decisive person that I am, I hate standing at a crossroads and waiting for a decision, I like to have a plan, I like to know where I’m going and what’s going to happen and of course that is out of the question right now. I’m going to have to learn to be quiet with this and wait on God to provide His answer!

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18 Comments

  • Reply Jenny

    My assvice? do both. get as many kids as you can – adopted and your own. I know it’s expensive, time consuming, scary, blah blah blah. but you can do it. you can be giving love to one child while trying for another – i know you have enough love to go around. carry on adopting and then try gift – you may just get a complex, interesting, overwhelming, scary, happy, loving, tight, amazing family and really – isn’t that what we all long for?

    November 25, 2009 at 10:24 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    yowza!!! This is not easy. I don’t have any real advice, apart from “Trust your gut” Even if it feels like your gut is churning at the moment and not pointing you in any direction, with time it will become clear and your gut instinct will guide you x
    Thinking of you x

    November 25, 2009 at 10:54 am
  • Reply Dee

    In 6 months you can re-evaluate the situation, in the meantime concentrate on the adoption route and live a bit. 6 months is not long and your fertility will still be similar to now, you are on the pill so you can start the gift process at any time and you are also entitled to change your mind. Give your brain a rest and take the 6 months off and then decide (I obviously realise that being type A, as i am that this is much easier said than done). If you still want to go the DE route you can find a donor and start cycling within a month or two, it wont take long.

    November 25, 2009 at 11:32 am
  • Reply Chopper1

    Sharon – I don’t have any advice to give. I just wanted to say that I have faith in the fact that the answer will come to you. I also agree with Dee – give yourself 6 months to just step back and regroup. I am type A too, so I can fully understand the immense frustration of NOT KNOWING!
    Look after yourself
    xxx

    November 25, 2009 at 11:38 am
  • Reply SCY

    Only you and W can decide what to do from here on out my friend. All the best sorting out the confusion in your head.

    xxx

    November 25, 2009 at 11:42 am
  • Reply Gwen

    It’s a very personal decision. There isn’t really a time limit on using donor eggs, so that option will be open to you for years to come and there’s no need to rush. The adoption process has been initiated and is ongoing – no need to stop that. Only GIFT with your own eggs really carries an imminent time limit, but your RE knows that as well as we do and if he feels that a 6 month break will be beneficial then I’d go with his advice. By the end of that time you might have more clarity of thought and peace of soul, and perhaps some perspective on how long the wait to adopt might be. I’m sorry it can’t be more simple, but I’d always choose more options over less.

    November 25, 2009 at 11:48 am
  • Reply HopelesslyTTC

    Isn’t it amazing how often we find ourselves second guessing our decisions just days after making them and feeling that it is definitely the best way forward…All I can suggest is to give yourself a few days to think about it and to talk about it – I’ve found that when faced with one of these big Decisions, I seem to mull it over for a day or two and then will have a night where I just can’t get to sleep and after a few hours just laying there in the dark, seem to come to a decision I’m happy with…nothing is so urgent that you can’t take a little time out to consider it all.
    Good luck with your battle to find the option that’s best for the two of you…

    November 25, 2009 at 12:14 pm
  • Reply Invivo

    I think this one will sort itself out with some time. It’s always hard to digest news when it first arrives, especially if you weren’t quite expecting it. I think the message is clear. Dr.G believes there is still hope left and avenues to explore. Question is, do you have the appetite to explore every possible avenue, or do you want to get out of the ART race and explore other things? Tough decision, but I’m sure you’ll sort it out betwen you and W. Just let it simmer a bit. Digest. Don’t push yourself. Give yourself at least a month to ponder without making final decisions.

    Best of luck!

    M

    November 25, 2009 at 12:42 pm
  • Reply Abs

    I knew your appointment would mess with your head. How can it not. Our FS’s will always try to offer a solution in some shape or form. There are always options out there as I know only too well myself. It’s deciding which option is right for you that’s the exceptionally hard part and unfortunately only you can make it. Time can help to clear your mind and see things more clearly. 6 months break sounds like a good idea while you think it all over! xxx

    November 25, 2009 at 12:52 pm
  • Reply C

    Shoo, that is alot to take in at once. You don’t need to make any decesions right now, see where things are in 4 – 6 months time and how far the research has gone and then decide. Hopefully you will even have a baby by then which will hopefully make the decesion easier, which ever way you go. Good Luck, at the end of the day only you and W will know what is best for you two.

    November 25, 2009 at 1:19 pm
  • Reply Sian

    Hmmmmmm, that is a lot of info. I wouldn’t make any decisions now. Have fun and live a little before even thinking about it.

    November 25, 2009 at 1:44 pm
  • Reply K

    Everyone has made very useful and insightful comments.. about taking you time etc but I have to say I love what Jenny said 🙂 Thinking of you xxx

    November 25, 2009 at 3:43 pm
  • Reply Gen

    Now Im confused, lots of info and so many options !!! I dont blame you for being confused,
    It would be so much easier if there was a simply answer and if someone could gaurentee that the choice we made was the right one.

    Thinking of you,

    November 25, 2009 at 4:20 pm
  • Reply loribeth

    Abs is right — there is always going to be some new option, some new carrot, that the drs can dangle in front of you. It’s up to you which if any of those options you want to pursue. But a break is probably not a bad idea. (((hugs)))

    November 25, 2009 at 6:32 pm
  • Reply Elana Kahn

    I think taking a bit of a break is a good idea. (Just a small break, of course) If in that time you get an adoption lead, then that’s amazing. If not, I’d go with the doctor and try his next step (GIFT). He has so many years of experience, and if he thinks there’s a possibility for a successful pregnancy outcome, I’d lean on that.

    November 25, 2009 at 11:28 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Thinking of you hon, I’m sure you’ll get to the answer soon enough.

    November 26, 2009 at 8:27 am
  • Reply WiseGuy

    I think the answer is inside you. Well, I would actually back your decision to be on the pill right now…you need that SANITY break.

    But a one-year break may be a little longer…so stay away for six months and then take a concrete decision about what you want to do. Of course, adoption proceedings may also begin by then.

    You are not getting any younger. Hence, rather than breaking a whole year is not a good choice according to me. Can you give me details of what genetic testing are they planning? Are the samples sent to the US?

    November 26, 2009 at 8:41 am
  • Reply Mash

    Oh wow. The Universe tests us when we make a resolve! It’s like it’s saying “really, are you sure that’s the route you want to go?”.

    The answer is inside you, the answer is the one you feel better about when you think about it, like a little gentle “yes” 😉

    November 27, 2009 at 11:53 am
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