Mixed Emotions

mixed emotions I think that pretty much sums up how I’m feeling. Completely mixed emotions. It still kind of a little surreal, perhaps it will start to sink in when I go for what will, God willing, be my fantastic second beta. For now, its all rather hard to believe.

I’m happy, I’m scared, I’m in denial. But the weirdest emotion of it all is guilt! And the guilt comes from a couple of places. Firstly because the outpouring of love and congratulations was more often than not followed with the sentiment of how deserving I was. And while I’m so appreciative of all the love and support and encouragement, I have to say that I hate that sentiment. I don’t believe that this has anything to do with being worthy or deserving. If it were, there are a large number of women in front of this line that are far more deserving than I am. And so I guess that sentiment of being deserving makes me feel decidedly undeserving and that leads to feelings of guilt.

The second area causing my feelings of guilt is this stupid thing that all of us going through infertility treatment do… cycle buddy syndrome! Whoever thought that having a cycle buddy was a good idea was just stupid stupid stupid! I mean all a cycle buddy can do is either make us feel like sh*t and sorry for ourselves because our treatment fails and we have left behind syndrome (and I know how crap-tastic that is having been on the negative end of the fertility stick for 7 odd years) or a cycle buddy can make  us feel guilty because we get the positive and they get the negative.  Its a unique experience for me, being on the positive end of the cycle buddy stick but definitely not helping my feelings of being undeserving and unworthy.

So for now, I’m working hard at pushing aside my feelings of guilt and trying to enjoy this moment because only God knows how long it may last. A very special and very wise friend of mine, Elize, told me yesterday that being happy or feeling guilty will not change how hard I will fall should things go horribly wrong further down the road. I’ve thought about this a lot and she’s so RIGHT!

October 10, 2009
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16 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    I think it is easy to feel guilty. The support structure usually consists of people who walk the same road as you and so when you suddenly move to the “other side” it almost feels as if you might be rubbing their noses in it. Anyway, that’s how I felt when we reached end of treatment with Bianca. I found it so hard to “celebrate” knowing that some of the friends I made lost their kids to cancer or are dealing with relapse and stuff like that. I really struggled with that and it felt like with me “celebrating” was rubbing their noses in it. But then I had to remind myself that our struggle was hard for us too (even though we found a way to make it manageable), and that we did not choose the outcome, it was chosen for us.

    So I do understand that you are feeling a bit guilty at the moment, but I hope you also feel proud and happy that you have reached this stage. Yes, you can’t tell what lies around the next corner, but you have this moment and this moment is so special and so wow and so amazing, like a good dream come true. It is a prayer answered that many of us have whispered and spoken for you. I continue keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.

    October 10, 2009 at 7:41 am
  • Reply sassy

    Sweetie I think that after all we get through to get to this place, it is totally natural. I think it takes time, and I don’t think we can deny all those years of infertility, just from becoming pregnant. I may have a baby someday, or maybe not, but this infertility experience has so deeply marked me.

    We’re here, and know,, that I for one, while not pregnant, am on your team, cheering and loving every moment.

    Think of it as ‘scoring one’ for us, Team Infertile. (;

    xo

    October 10, 2009 at 8:00 am
  • Reply Denise

    Seeing long suffering infertiles getting a BFP only makes the rest of us see that its not worth giving up just because its been 5 years, maybe it will take 7 or 8 years but you give us hope that there is still a chance!!!

    Nobody will begrudge you your BFP so try not to feel guilty…

    October 10, 2009 at 10:33 am
  • Reply jan

    you are allowed to feel exactly as you want to. no one is judgeing you or the life you lead, want or shall have. just live in the here and now for today. enjoy and truly bask in what happiness you feel right now. everyone has their own path. no one worse than the other, no one better. much love and joy to you today. jxxx

    October 10, 2009 at 10:37 am
  • Reply Sue

    In my immediate circle there were 3 of us IF’s, and 2 of us got our BFPs within a couple of months of each other. I felt so guilty because of our friend who is still walking the road, but we had such a lovely chat the other day. She asked all sorts of questions from my perspective (we’d been TTC many years longer than she) and said that the last thing she wants is for people to feel like they should avoid her to spare her feelings when they are pg and she is not. I know it’s not easy to not feel guilty, but just know that your IF friends IRL or in the computer are so happy that “one of their own” has now overcome.

    October 10, 2009 at 3:48 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    I think only the very emotional unintelligent can feel anything but happiness for you Sharon. Let go of that guilt and allow that baby soul in!

    October 10, 2009 at 5:01 pm
  • Reply Chrisle-Dubai

    Just enjoy the moment,nobody knows what tomorrow brings.

    October 10, 2009 at 6:44 pm
  • Reply K

    I think the thing about ‘deserving’ is that we are ALL deserving, and so when people say that you deserve this, it doesn’t have to mean that others don’t 😉

    October 10, 2009 at 7:09 pm
  • Reply Adi

    Cycle buddy guilt is awful. With regards to feeling guilty that there are others that are more deserving, hmm, nope, that’s for gals like me 🙂 wham bam IVF1 BFP thank you mam. Leave that to us to feel like crap! You have paid your dues. It’s your time. Yes, maybe there would be sadness among those that are left behind but you have given so much (and will do so, I have no doubt) through your blog and your forum posts, it has healing power and brings hope. But yes, it is all normal. So don’t now go and feel guilty about feeling guilty! Damnit! 🙂 You feel whatever you want to.

    October 10, 2009 at 7:45 pm
  • Reply Rach

    Congratulations! October is the best month of the year and how wonderful that you got your BFP this month. It will seem surreal until you hold your little one in your arms and even then, you will wonder how the heck it happened. 🙂

    October 11, 2009 at 5:13 am
  • Reply CalT

    There are people who deserve to have a child and people who don’t, unfortunately that doesn’t change the fact that there are so many people who have kids that don’t deserve it and so many that don’t who do deserve it. Whether someone ‘deserves’ it more than you or not doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve it, and I can understand you hating that sentiment but truth is you have walked a hard road and you DO deserve it, and you’re not taking anything away from anyone else by enjoying it! It is yours to enjoy so enjoy it!

    October 11, 2009 at 5:27 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    What K said…just because you deserve it doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t too. These conflicted feelings and emotions are so normal at this point. {{{Hugs}}}

    October 11, 2009 at 7:39 pm
  • Reply Atj

    Dear S

    well – I didnt wish u well because u were deserving on the IF site 🙂 dont believe in choosing who deserves and who doesnt…

    I do find ure meanderings about cycle buddies interesting…I was buddies with Stardust in 2008…I had one of those awful m/c and she was carrying perfectly…and then out of nowhere she m/c in her second trimester (really dreadful) and I had just rec my second BFP which went onto a successful LO…these days I support SD esp…those dreaded anniversaries and yardsticks in this pregnancy…and am soooo relieved and happy she was so brave to try again…so perhaps its ok to be a cyclebuddie for the long haul.

    Now u take care of u and bean x

    October 11, 2009 at 7:46 pm
  • Reply SCY

    The guilt is just horrible, cos it robs you of the feelings of excitement and hope that you should be feeling right now. It’s understandable, but it’s horrible too… Once again that whole two headed monster thing…

    For those who can’t find it in themselves to wish you well – remember it’s their issues and not yours.

    xxx

    October 12, 2009 at 10:45 am
  • Reply Dee

    You have been to hell and back on this journey, which is why you DO deserve to get a BFP and hold onto it, it doesnt mean that someone getting a BFP on thier first IVF is less deserving it just means that you have had a tough time getting here, you have pulled yourself out of many sadnesses and have chosen to continue on this journey and in my mind you DO deserve to be happy and have beautiful children. Im sorry if that makes you feel guilty but lets face it this isnt your first IVF and therefore we all want to celebrate with you and travel on this journey to motherhood with you. I for one and very excited. You have given me hope that all is never lost. xxx

    October 12, 2009 at 1:26 pm
  • Reply Susan Shepherd

    Sharon… your story gives hope to all of us and you are a testament of what God can do. God has chosen you for such a time as this. You have gone through this for 8 years. You are VERY deserving!! How many times in the past 8 years did you watch your cycle buddies get pregnant, every time you were negative or miscarried? I bet God has a full bucket of your tears from your years, and now he has chosen to wipe them. You have such a sensitive heart and will make a great mommy.

    October 12, 2009 at 6:52 pm
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