My Knight In Shining Armour – A Moment Of Clarity

Whenever my life is going through changes, I find myself looking back at my past, wondering what I could do differently, wondering, had I made different choices, where would I find myself today?

An old boyfriend of mine has been on my mind quite a bit the last few days and yesterday I found myself googling his name. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I had searched for some of the more significant crushes I’ve had in my life, what followed was pure & perfect clarity.

First off I started googling my first ever big crush. I was 15, he was 18 and in the army. I was a deathly shy, awkward teenager and I remember my heart almost leaping out of my throat the first time he called to invite me on my very first ever date, after I’d been crushing on him for months. It was also a little cringe worthy as he was the younger brother of one someone who had married into my family (my Dad’s cousins wife) and he’d phoned half of my extended family in an attempt to trace my telephone number to take me out. I remember almost dying of embarrassment and trying to hide my excitement when I asked my mom and dad if I could go out with him. He was also the first boy I ever kissed (Mom if you’re reading this, sorry, it’s a little over share) just a few weeks shy of my 16th birthday. I left that date feeling really uncomfortable, being so much younger than some of his friends who had joined us on the date, all of them having a few beers and there I sat, good little girl that I was, sipping my Coke. When he took me home, I told him it was a mistake and I didn’t want to see him again. Part of me regretted that decision, until some time had past and my Aunt mentioned to my Mom that shortly after that he’d started seeing another girl and low and behold she was pregnant! Imagine if that had been me? I was young, and impressionable and I could so easily have landed up being that girl. Yesterday I looked at photo’s of him on Face Book, he’s still married to the same girl and his head completely bald and he is unrecognisable to me in every way and not at all who I remembered him to be.

Next I decided to try to find a big crush I had when I studied at Stellenbosch. I was 18 when I met him and I was seriously interested in him. He was gorgeous and completely unattainable. It didn’t matter how much I crushed on him, he was not interested in me at all. Fast forward a few years and after bumping into each other in a club, suddenly, the rolls were reversed. He was crushing on me and chasing me in a big way. I was stoked! Couldn’t believe my luck, only, we went out a few times and then I realized that aside from being drop dead gorgeous, he really didn’t have much to offer me and I just wasn’t that into him. After looking him up yesterday, I will say this, he is an older version of his gorgeous self just as I remembered him as a 20 something young man, with two beautiful teenage children.

Next I looked up my first true love and also the guy that gave me my one and only true heartbreak. A professional rugby player from Gloucester. We met when he was contracted in to play at club rugby level in Cape Town. I fell hard for him and I thought he for me. He was the one and only time I ever experienced love at first sight.  From the moment we were introduced I was instantly and madly in love with him. He was also the one who well and truly broke my heart and changed the course of all my future relationships… until I met Walter.  We had a whirlwind relationship that included talks of me moving to Gloucester to be with him. When his rugby tour was over, he went back to Gloucester, filling my heart with promises of how he’d send for me. I heard from him only once after he returned home and never heard from him again. For a long while after that I ached to know what had happened, to see him, to get an explanation from him of how he could love me so much one moment and in the next turn and walk away and never look back.

That heartbreak caused me to make the single biggest mistake of my life. A rushed, rebound relationship that moved way too quickly and resulted in me being married within a year to a man that by the time our marriage broke down 18 months later, I didn’t love, I didn’t like, I didn’t even hate, I was completely indifferent to him. He was a bully and a cheat and he broke my self esteem and my soul into a thousand pieces, the scars of which I still bare today. Yesterday I looked as his Face Book profile pic, with his arms around a cute blonde woman and all I felt was pity for her, I found myself looking into her eyes and whispering, run, get away from him.

Not having learnt from past mistakes, as soon as my divorce was decreed, I rushed into another long term, long distance relationship that followed very similar patterns to my failed marriage. A guy who controlled me from afar, what I wore, how I spoke, who I saw, when I went out and with who and curfews. Unknown to me, he was also leading a double life, a girlfriend in Cape Town (me)who’s every move he controlled and a fiancé in Pretoria who’s heart he broke when he called of their wedding 3 weeks before the date. A man who’s parting words to me were, and I quote: “I can’t make a further commitment to you because I’m afraid I’ll miss out on something better!” The same man who, when Walter entered my life, became obsessive about me and determined to get me back. The same man who called me a bitch, whore and slut, when I refused to leave Walter and go back to him. A man who took the cowards way out when Walter made contact with him and explained that if he so much as sms’d me again, there would be dire consequences. I looked at his picture yesterday and wondered what on earth I had been thinking???

Walter2

 

 

When Walter came home last night, I had been pacing waiting anxiously for him to come home. When he walked in the door, I looked at his full head of thick hair, his soft brown eyes that speak volumes of his gentle soul and all I could do was fling my arms around him and thank him.

Walter broke a cycle in my life, he is my knight in shining armour, he came along and showed me what it meant to be treated like a princess, to be loved, cherished and respected. To be given the freedom to be me, no questions asked, no demands made. Without him, I shudder to think of what my life would be, possibly still trapped in the cycle of controlling and abusive relationships.

Yesterday’s little look into my past brought such clarity to me. I realized how blessed I am to have spent more that a decade with a man I love and who loves me. We have a beautiful happy home, a perfect daughter and everything we could possibly need to be happy. Sure, it’s not always perfect as neither Walter or I are, and we’ve faced some tough challenges together but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I have has been worth fighting for and continuing to fight for. I know that while neither of us is perfect, we’re a perfect match.

I know that while Walter is not perfect, he is perfect for me!

Walter3

 

October 31, 2012
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14 Comments

  • Reply Cath Jenkin

    You know, like I said yesterday…the ones we’ve loved in the past, are just creating the pathway towards the one we’ll love forever, and who will love us, through and through.

    I’m grateful for every heartbreak and every idiot who joined my path at some point – they made me who I am today. X

    October 31, 2012 at 10:11 am
  • Reply Shayne

    Love!

    Seems you and i travelled very similar roads.

    My Dean too, is my knight in shining armour. He may not always be perfect, and yes we have our ups and downs, but he has my back covered always and I know that i’m no 1 in his life, and he knows the same too.

    Heartwarming wonderful post 🙂

    October 31, 2012 at 10:12 am
  • Reply Natasha Clark

    Oh Sharon this is beauuuuuuuuutiful! So happy for you x

    October 31, 2012 at 10:19 am
  • Reply cat@jugglingact

    Oh Sharon this is beautiful. I also had a taste for the wrong men untill my knight came along

    October 31, 2012 at 10:27 am
  • Reply Jeannine

    I really enjoyed reading that – thanks for posting.

    October 31, 2012 at 10:44 am
  • Reply cazpi

    <3 My husband too is absolutely perfect for me. 100%. Tons of heartbreak to find him. And I'm never letting him go 🙂 <3

    October 31, 2012 at 10:48 am
  • Reply Joni

    I really enjoyed reading this… and that’s exactly it! Jaco isn’t perfect but he’s perfect for me and I love him totally and completely! And anyone can see that Walter loves you soo soo much as well!

    xxx

    October 31, 2012 at 11:13 am
  • Reply Reluctant Mom

    That is such a sweet “sigh” post …… I have also done a bit of googling of past “crushes” ….. and sometimes with horror wonder “what if..”

    Facebook is without a doubt one of the worst things to do 3 glasses of wine in, when you look back at your life with rose tinted goggles …… and catch a glimpse of what your life might have been, and it is usually with a shot of horror!

    My theory is kids who peak early, are over the hill by 30 while us late bloomer come into our fore about that time. Its a theory and I cling to it ……

    Love the post xx

    October 31, 2012 at 1:41 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    I also loved reading this and I also love Walter (no, not in that way ;)) – he really is special Sharon and you are perfect for each other! You are a lucky girl! xx

    October 31, 2012 at 2:06 pm
  • Reply Laura

    Gosh Sharon!! This post hit a chord with me. D and I have been dealing with an issue from my past that affects us now – in therapy. I went through a lot of similar experiences!!

    I just wish our past remained there and didn’t come back every now and then!

    October 31, 2012 at 7:45 pm
  • Reply Kathryn (Becoming you)

    Great post Sharon. Who hasn’t had those moments of “What if” with previous crushes or relationships – sometimes even new crushes!!

    It’s so important to remember that even after decades together when things have got a little boring that the person you are with is truly the RIGHT person for you and to remind yourself what potential disaster awaited you! haha 😉

    October 31, 2012 at 9:19 pm
  • Reply Mash

    Love that. Marriage and relationships just simply are imperfect. But those moments of just knowing that you are with someone whose got your back… just too special for words.

    November 1, 2012 at 12:02 pm
  • Reply Pandora

    I also think those ex’s were just place holders until the real thing came along. After the last ex, I actually said to a friend, I am done with that type of guy who doens’t commit, always on the lookout for something better, and a little reluctant to hold down a job. I want a stable, ambitious, tall dark and handsome guy now, who is not an idiot. And a few months later, along he came, excpet he is not that tall, and not dark! 18 years later, we are still happy.

    November 1, 2012 at 9:41 pm
  • Reply Lisa-Marie

    okaywell this had me crying!!! Sharon – you SO deserve this man! He is such a great guy and warm and a big bear of a daddy to his Worsie.
    Oh – and he’s quite delicious too 😉

    November 6, 2012 at 11:07 am
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