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Naming It & Claiming It

I’ve had a battle in my head over the past few days, part of me has felt that I’m not coping, that I’m depressed and need help, another part of me has felt like I should stop being melodramatic & childish and just pull myself together. Of course, pulling myself together is proving to be way harder than I ever could have imagined. I think that’s part of why I’ve felt so conflicted over how I’m feeling also is partly due to the varying opinions of the people closest to me. Some are encouraging me to take the AD’s and to seek whatever help I need to get through this, another group keep asking me if I’m really sure I want to go down the AD road, have I looked at the side effects, do I really think its necessary?

So I’ve been feeling conflicted and unsure, one part of me wanting something to help get me through, another part of me feeling ridiculous for battling the way I am.

I got my answer though, its been coming to me in little bits and pieces over the past couple of days. Yesterday, one of my clients asked me if everything was ok with me because I didn’t seem as on the ball & thorough as I usually am. Then this morning, when W had to drag me out of bed, riddled with body pain, including a back spasm from the tension, flu symptoms and just generally feeling physically and mentally cr*p, remind me that yet again, for a second week in a row, I’ve just forgotten to do the laundry. I just burst into tears. He’s now told me that if I don’t get the script from my RE today then he’s taking me to our GP this afternoon as I cannot go on like this, I’m not myself.

This statement has brought on a new emotion, now I’m feeling really anxious about the state of my marriage, I don’t want to damage our wonderful relationship, its been the one stable thing throughout our battle with infertility. But W feels he cannot take how all consuming our IF is anymore, that really really scares me. I feel like I need to hide my emotions from him, only I don’t know how. I’m afraid he’s going to make me stop, I will if I have to, if I have to choose between my husband and treatment I choose my husband, but I don’t want to make that choice.

So I feel its time to name it and claim it, to own up to the fact that the way I’m feeling is beyond sad, that perhaps I’ve fallen into a black hole and I need whatever help I can get climbing back out before I can move on with anything else.

Today is the day.

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22 Comments

  • Reply Caragh

    I’m so sorry that IF has lead you down the path of having to feel all these terrible things, and make all these hard choices that no one should have to make.

    I made the choice to go back on my AD’s just a few short days ago.
    You can think about the future all you want, but sometimes you’ve just got to think about the here and now.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    April 9, 2009 at 9:46 am
  • Reply Lea White

    Sometimes we need a little bit of help and recognising that we need help is a very important step. All too often we try to hide when things are wrong, so I commend you for making this choice.

    You are one of the most amazing people I got to know!

    April 9, 2009 at 9:50 am
  • Reply Abbey

    Never be afraid to ask for help Sharon. We all need it at some point in our lives. I think the AD’s will be really good for you right now. It’s great that you can recognise how important it is to get the help you need before things get out of hand…..and who gives a sh*t what anyone thinks about the rights or wrongs of AD’s. You need to do what’s best for you and nobody else. Get that script filled and I’m sure things will start to look a little brighter again. You need it after everything that has happened and anybody who thinks otherwise just does not understand. (((hugs)))

    April 9, 2009 at 10:18 am
  • Reply Ann

    You are so very brave and I salute you
    xxx

    April 9, 2009 at 10:35 am
  • Reply Adel

    Ai, this is such a crappy road we go through, isn’t!

    I wish I had an answer that would make you feel great again, but all I can do is sent you lots of hugs!!

    Luv

    April 9, 2009 at 12:12 pm
  • Reply Faith

    Shaz,
    Please read the book, ‘The Shack’ by William P. Young
    This is an awesome, awesome book and it truly helped me through the pain of IF.

    So many, many, many times I asked, ‘Where is God in my life, with so much pain?’
    ‘Does He actually exist or does he know that I exist????’
    ‘Has he forgotten about me?’
    ‘Why is he letting this happen to me?’
    ‘How can he be so cruel?’

    I really started to resent Him……. and then I found this book.
    Oh, my word! What an amazing feeling itwas to read it and get all the answers to sooooooooooo many questions I had!

    Good luck, Shaz! I am thinking of you 😉

    Love,
    Faith
    xxx

    April 9, 2009 at 12:18 pm
  • Reply Sandy

    Hugs, hugs, hugs, and as much help as I can offer. Our miscarriage almost caused us to divorce last year and we’re a cutesy gag me with a spoon couple even after 15 years of marriage. The emotions are not to be taken lightly and it’s such a challenge to be faced with that type of terrible decision, particularly as there’s a part of you probably (there was for me), that just wants to stomp your feet in a temper tantrum about how unfair it all is. I agree with the others, it’s time for the ADs and it sounds like it’s time for a bit of a break from ttc. The challenge is doing it while not feeling like some addict and having even a one week break make the cravings so very much stronger.

    Just keep telling yourself that nothing you decide today or this week has to be a permanent decision. It’s all about getting through the day and if it takes a glimmer of hope that you can go through an FET in the future once you beat this and become emotionally a bit more stable, then use that. At this point you’re looking for handholds of survival whereever you can find them. The ADs are a handhold. Choose your friends wisely at this time and stay away from those that have hurt you or don’t seem to get it. Their handholds are crumbly. But others do offer very strong handholds so use them and cling as tightly as you need to.

    Don’t forget that your hormones are still all over the place. I only did Clomid for six months but as others write, they were evil drugs that turned me into someone I barely recognized. It was like PMS with a vengeance and I realized how easily a hormonal imbalance could cause ones to act in ways that weren’t typical. They’re not the only things going on in your life by any means, but it all adds up.

    Be gentle with yourself – you’ve been through so much lately.

    Offering a handhold if you need it. Feel free to write off-line and vent, interrogate, or whatever you need to.

    Love and warmth,

    Sandy

    April 9, 2009 at 12:20 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    Good for you. Admitting I needed help and asking my doctor for a prescription was the HARDEST thing I had to do wile fighting infertility.

    April 9, 2009 at 3:53 pm
  • Reply loribeth

    (((hugs))) My dh tends to get very upset on my behalf whenever I get upset… so I tend to hide my feelings from him & pretend that all is well. But what usually happens is things fester & build up until I have a total meltdown, & that’s not good either. Besides the ADs, do you have a counsellor/therapist that you can talk to — preferably someone who has experience dealing with grief, loss & infertility issues? (Sometimes clinics have one on staff, or can recommend one.) I have gone, on & off, over the last 8 years since we stopped ttc. It’s funny, because I’ll think I’m going to talk about something else that’s going on in my life, & the conversation always comes back to those issues! Take good care!

    April 9, 2009 at 5:10 pm
  • Reply skrambled

    Sharon please go and get those AD’S. I have been through times this low as well and I promise that the ADs are going to help so much.

    What side effects could be as horrible as feeling you are in a black hole.

    Please they will do you so much good!

    April 9, 2009 at 5:31 pm
  • Reply Sweetpea

    Oh, I can feel your sharp pain through your words. You should do whatever you can to take best care of yourself; try the meds. Hopefully, they will work, but if they don’t you can just stop taking them. Counseling has always been my lifeline, through at least two or three major life crises. That deep dark hole is very lonely and scary and it’s hard to fight your way back up, but I believe in you. And I believe your husband will be there for you – trust that, even though you’re filled with fear, hopelessness and doubt. I’ll be thinking of you.

    April 9, 2009 at 5:43 pm
  • Reply CeCe Garrett

    Hugs for you. And a couple hugs for W. I’m totally praying for both of you… and if you need to talk or just yell you know how to find me. Love you sister.

    CeCe

    April 9, 2009 at 7:34 pm
  • Reply stacey

    Sharon, I feel you here and you know I support you all the way. I’m glad W is even giving you a push to see about this. I think it is huge to call this depression what it is and take a step in the right direction. It’s so important to take care of yourself today and not put it off for months and years (as I am also learning). You have no idea how your words light a fire under my own butt!

    As far as the marriage, I think it is crucial that you are recognizing that IF and depression can truly strain a marriage. I hope you two can come together on all the future decisions.

    I always pray for you. Love & Hugs.

    April 9, 2009 at 8:06 pm
  • Reply Yvonne

    Oh Shaz, I wish I could climb through the computer and just give you a good, RL hug.

    I’m thinking of you and hope the AD’s help you feel okay again soon.

    HUGS.

    April 9, 2009 at 9:56 pm
  • Reply Maria

    Sorry girl ekt jou mail verloor -sal jy net weer vir my stuur, ek wil graag iets met jou deel.

    April 9, 2009 at 10:47 pm
  • Reply Denise

    Hey Sharon, after my last m/c i was where you are now. I went for the AD’s and it really took the edge off (can’t remember what they were but were VERY mild and usually prescribed to breast feeding moms with post natal depression – I know the irony is ridiculous!). I was only on them for 2 weeks then I forgot to take them one day and realised that I was over the worst of it.

    Do whatever you have to do to get over this – it is almost a year since the m/c and I am still feeling hurt. Haven’t been able to even think about ttc since then but am finally feeling like I can and have booked in to see a new FS in May.

    I guess the point of telling you all this is that it may take you a year to get over it before ttc again or maybe you will decide to stop altogether, either way you need to get through the next few weeks and you must do whatever you need to do and take whatever you need to take in order that you and your marriage come out the other side ok. W is the most important thing you have now. And I think you should push for the puppy – Odie (my shih tzu) is my saving grace, he reminds me to get out of bed to feed him and if I forget he climbs into bed and reminds me that I am loved and someone needs me.

    April 10, 2009 at 12:48 pm
  • Reply onegoodswimmer

    Thank you for your blog. I have been feeling many of the same things you have. My husband and I have just started our adventure, and daily, I am on the rollercoaster of emotions. I wish you well, and will follow you as you continue on. We’ll add you to our blogroll.

    You can read about us at http://onegoodswimmer.wordpress.com/

    HUGS!
    K

    April 10, 2009 at 6:46 pm
  • Reply Marina

    Hi Sharon, I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I can’t even begin to know how you are feeling, but I do know that you do not have to do this alone, you’ve been through so much and it’s OK to get help. Please go see your doctor {if you haven’t done so already} and get the AD’s.

    All my love
    Marina
    xxx

    April 11, 2009 at 12:23 pm
  • Reply Pamela Jeanne

    oh, honey, I know how bad that ache can be. this post was so reminiscent of me when the beta results came in the same way. be kind to yourself, do what you need to feel better and know that we’re here for you…always.

    April 12, 2009 at 3:45 am
  • Reply Sarah

    I have nominated you for the Sisterhood Award becuase you are honest and strong! Thoughts and Prayers to you!

    April 13, 2009 at 6:16 pm
  • Reply Adi

    🙁 Don’t know what to say except this: if I start thinking my marriage is a disaster and DH thinks xyz about me and he’s better off without me and everything is just ruined etc, I know it is a definite sign of depression. And that means AD’s. Because if you are so down and everything is a criticism on oneself and nothing you do or think is just good enough anymore, that is not normal thought: there’s stuff not connecting the dots up in your brain. You are a GREAT person, and I’m sure if you could at this point stop and breathe, to listen and believe your DH, he would tell you the same. But the mind, it’s not playing along… Please get the AD’s. Yes, sometimes there are side-effects, but most of them usually pass in a week or so. And there are so many brands, you can swop and find a better one if the first one doesn’t gel. It’s not a scary dark hole: it is hope and a better life.

    April 13, 2009 at 6:33 pm
  • Reply Shalini White

    I’m sorry that you have been put in this place – IF truly is a vampire that sucks the life out of everything, yourself and esp a marriage/relationship. I was in a similar situation earlier this year where I faced the very real possibility that I’d have to choose between wanting to keep ttc and having a family or my husband. I think it is so unfair that we shouldhave to make the choice, after all, it was for better or worse right, but men take IF so differently, they see the toll it takes on us and in some warped way want to distance themselves from it, which hurts us even more. I have now been trying to find a balance, which is sad that I even have to do this, between telling the truth about how I feel and finding the right time to say the deeply emotional things I feel, the hidden places inside me where I’m so badly scarred by all this. It really sucks that I’ve lost my husband as an ally in that respect, but I guess men have a weaker breaking point… so now, I hold it in and try to find a happy balance.

    I hope you both make it out of this shitty black hole. Especially you. xx

    April 15, 2009 at 2:44 pm
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