I’ve had a battle in my head over the past few days, part of me has felt that I’m not coping, that I’m depressed and need help, another part of me has felt like I should stop being melodramatic & childish and just pull myself together. Of course, pulling myself together is proving to be way harder than I ever could have imagined. I think that’s part of why I’ve felt so conflicted over how I’m feeling also is partly due to the varying opinions of the people closest to me. Some are encouraging me to take the AD’s and to seek whatever help I need to get through this, another group keep asking me if I’m really sure I want to go down the AD road, have I looked at the side effects, do I really think its necessary?
So I’ve been feeling conflicted and unsure, one part of me wanting something to help get me through, another part of me feeling ridiculous for battling the way I am.
I got my answer though, its been coming to me in little bits and pieces over the past couple of days. Yesterday, one of my clients asked me if everything was ok with me because I didn’t seem as on the ball & thorough as I usually am. Then this morning, when W had to drag me out of bed, riddled with body pain, including a back spasm from the tension, flu symptoms and just generally feeling physically and mentally cr*p, remind me that yet again, for a second week in a row, I’ve just forgotten to do the laundry. I just burst into tears. He’s now told me that if I don’t get the script from my RE today then he’s taking me to our GP this afternoon as I cannot go on like this, I’m not myself.
This statement has brought on a new emotion, now I’m feeling really anxious about the state of my marriage, I don’t want to damage our wonderful relationship, its been the one stable thing throughout our battle with infertility. But W feels he cannot take how all consuming our IF is anymore, that really really scares me. I feel like I need to hide my emotions from him, only I don’t know how. I’m afraid he’s going to make me stop, I will if I have to, if I have to choose between my husband and treatment I choose my husband, but I don’t want to make that choice.
So I feel its time to name it and claim it, to own up to the fact that the way I’m feeling is beyond sad, that perhaps I’ve fallen into a black hole and I need whatever help I can get climbing back out before I can move on with anything else.
Today is the day.