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Oh How The Times Have Changed!

And in such a short period of time. I went from being one of those raw, easily hurt, enough-already type infertiles to being a mother. And everything I felt and believed was turned on its head. At my very core, I’m still an infertile, I’m still a barren woman, I still cannot have babies and yet I have a baby. And suddenly I’ve become one of those women, the type that some infertiles find boring because IRL and my online persona is very focused on my daughter. On capturing and remembering every special moment from birth, for me its birth because of the adoption, for other women like me, its the moment they find out they’re pregnant, and every special memory onwards shared with this little being.

For those who have children, this is understandable, tolerable, enjoyable. For those still fighting the fight… not so much! And the proof? Well aside from the silence on the other end of my phone calls, sms messages and Skype messages, the suddenly empty social calendar, the change in my blog stats and in the radical reduction in comments I receive on my blog, I’ve found another source of proof. Initially I was indignant but then I started to find it all rather humours, especially because not so long ago I would have/did do the same thing. People have “unfriended” me on FaceBook! *sob* I came to this realization quite innocently as well. It wasn’t like I was looking for ways to point fingers and say: “Aha! I knew it!” Instead I was, in the typical boring, gag worthy mom thing, admiring the photo’s I’ve uploaded of our little miracle. I was reading through all the comments on each photo and noticed at first that some of the comments weren’t loading with profile pics. It was only a while later that I realized that the comments that weren’t loading with profile pics also had no names attached. It was then that it hit me! I’d been “unfriended”. My updates, obviously too mommy orientated, too boring, not full of the angst of the past had become too much for some to read.

I’ve done this, I’ve been guilty of the same act but how ironic that it would happen to me now. I know that my fellow moms-after-infertility will relate when I say that it was in a way humorous, I actually had a giggle at myself,

Being a mom-after-infertility is an odd place to be, so many transitions to make….. but still oh-so-worth it!

FYI – edited as some of what I said may have come across as hurtful, not my intention. Note, I’m taking a dig at myself and not at anyone else.

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20 Comments

  • Reply Paula

    Hi Sharon! Interesting question indeed! For me, I still feel like a bit of an impostor sometimes…I mean, how on earth can someone with 3 (THREE!) kids call themselves an infertile?? Yet, that is what I was, and still is, to some extent. Now sometimes, confronted with people still struggling, I feel like a veteran, been through it and somehow got lucky enough to beat it. It is like I have escaped from that particular trap and can now look back at it, realize the full extent of the horror of the whole thing, and yet feel at peace.

    The other thing for me is that I think that having fought hard for the twincesses sometimes make it easier to deal with having twins. It is hard, and I sometimes long for a bit of quiet, but still, having gone through all of it to get to the point where we could take them home, and have our precious babies with us, makes it easier to deal with the backlash, the after effect of having multiples. Yes, I would make the same choices looking back, but I will never do it again.

    Lastly, I think that as ‘recovering’ infertiles we appreciate the preciousness of our babies more than ‘normals’ although they aren’t more precious than any ‘normal’s’ kids. I may be wrong..

    Oh BTW I have also been ‘defriended’ on FB, by other infertiles, for various reasons. It does change one’s perceptions, especially taking the specific reasons into account!

    April 5, 2010 at 2:01 pm
  • Reply Mrs See

    Surely though, those of us on the path of infertility and treatments would be happy for those that finally reach their dream. I mean, it is what we are all striving for.

    You still remember what it was like and have empathy. I am still blown away by your story and love the updates and pics.

    I don’t really see how your happiness can cause me any pain.

    April 5, 2010 at 4:36 pm
  • Reply Kirsty

    I am one of your revoltingly fertile friends…. but have walked the path of infertility with people close to me. I get “it” – and I am here! Young Ava just makes me feel very broody, and then my hubby gets rather anxious!!! BTW – I have worked out WHY Ava makes me so heart sore for another little girl! She is just like my Emily. I was looking at Emily’s baby photos and they are like twins. I am going to email you some photos so you can see, mkay? x

    April 5, 2010 at 4:43 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    I personally love to read your updates and seeing your pics here and on facebook (even when/if I don’t have a comment to add) about being a mom after infertility, because it’s where I hope to be someday. For now, before that time fully arrives for me, I’m living vicariously through you and enjoying the change! Keep on doing your thing! 🙂

    April 5, 2010 at 7:55 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    “Lastly, I think that as ‘recovering’ infertiles we appreciate the preciousness of our babies more than ‘normals’ although they aren’t more precious than any ‘normal’s’ kids. I may be wrong..” that’s quite a harsh statement Paula. Just because someone has been infertile so doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate their children for the miracles they are. I reckon they just carry less guilt when they moan about how hard being a mother is because it is – no matter how you got there.

    April 5, 2010 at 9:16 pm
  • Reply Rach

    Ok, yup I’ll be honest. There are some days where I can’t read your blog Shaz. I try but I just can’t do it. Those days were few and far between though since decided that our journey is over, they are becoming more frequent but thats to be expected while I grieve for our loss of parenthood.

    I haven’t deleted you though. Why? Well because one day this dark depressive place I find myself in will be no more and when THAT day comes, I still want to be reading about your life and how happy it is.

    I do want to reply to Mrs See comment though…

    “Surely though, those of us on the path of infertility and treatments would be happy for those that finally reach their dream. I mean, it is what we are all striving for.”

    Yes and no. I’ve been on this path for near on 11 years now. I’ve had 7 miscarriages. Countless chemical pregnancies and now it’s all become too much and we’re no longer trying. It IS what we’re all striving for but not all of us get the prize and when you see everyone around you get the prize (regardless of HOW they get it), even people who have been trying as long or longer than you, it hurts and some days you just can’t cope with that. Some days you cry as you read blog posts, other days you feel downright angry that it’s not you celebrating a BFFP or counting down to birth, taking growing belly pics or introducing your new adopted daughter or son. Thats infertility, a rollercoaster of emotions.

    Blunt but it’s the truth and I’m not one to sugarcoat.

    In closing, I get it hurts Shaz when people defriend you or people stop reading your blog but don’t take it personally, sometimes it’s just too much to cope with on top of everything else, it’s not you, it’s infertility.

    Big hugs
    xxxx

    April 6, 2010 at 12:48 am
  • Reply Chopper1

    Still here!! Reading your blog every day!
    xxx Lisa-Marie

    April 6, 2010 at 6:45 am
  • Reply Katherine

    This is tough a one and something I haven’t really experienced as I don’t think my struggle was long enough to lose fertile friends and most of my fellow infertiles have since gone on to have children or adopted. I have to say that I agree with Paula, not that infertiles feel their children are any more special but that somehow there is just “something” about finally holding that precious child/ren after battling to achieve the dream. I’m not saying that being a stay at home mom is for everyone one (or financially possible)and this is by no means the norm but of my friends who do stay at home with their children, a large proportion of them are those that struggled to fall pregnant and that does say something to me..

    April 6, 2010 at 8:45 am
  • Reply sophie

    Hi Shaz,
    Reading your post every day.
    I love to read your positive news and see how you are happy and how Ava is growing beatifully.
    Just not commenting much …

    April 6, 2010 at 8:57 am
  • Reply Mariette

    Hi Shaz! I read your blog everyday and love it. I am almost 31 weeks pregnant after TTC’ing for more or less 7 years. It took 4 IVF cycles to get here, but still I feel guilty when logging onto Fertilicare and reading about the pain I know so well. I don’t think we ever forget the pain of IF, we just learn to live with it and be thankful for our blessings. I do totally understand the reasons for IF’s distancing themselves from us. It just hurt too much. I have been there and so have you, we just have to close our eyes and we will understand and love our friends who are still on their journey.

    April 6, 2010 at 9:06 am
  • Reply Mash

    I was never a friend of yours on Facebook, and would also never de-friend someone who has crossed into parenthood (has no-one ever heard of “hiding”, it’s so much more politically correct), BUT I need you to promise me something. Promise me that you will never become one of those people that posts on their status about how bad the baby’s poo smells. There is a line that some mothers cross on Facebook that is just far TMI!

    April 6, 2010 at 9:22 am
  • Reply Dee

    But does it upset you to be defriended on FB? I dont undertsand why anyone would ignore your sms’es/phonecalls etc, thats just rude but I can understand the FB thing. Some days I cant even open FB because Im scared of “what next”. I havent defriended you on FB and some days I LOVE your updates and others not so much. Doesnt mean I dont love you as a person.

    April 6, 2010 at 10:00 am
  • Reply Bratty

    Sharon…I hear you loud and clear…humorous as it can be..it is also damn painful. Carry on moving forward..! You are heading towards a much better place..smile

    April 6, 2010 at 10:27 am
  • Reply Nix

    I’m so gald you can see some humour in this, even though it sucks… A LOT 😉

    XXX

    April 6, 2010 at 12:37 pm
  • Reply Sian

    Its a different chapter in your life. I am glad that you see the humour in it.

    April 6, 2010 at 1:21 pm
  • Reply Hela

    Sharon, you speak many truths. However sometimes the tables turn on people. Reap what you sow. But in saying that… Whether infertile or not… you will find that the Moms hang together and the non-moms hang together.( I mean heck…even the pregnant seperate themselves from the already Moms. And Moms with infants seperate themselves from the toddlers – go figure) The two seldom get together and mix. I’m sure you’ve noticed how much you talk about your Ava. Just like most Moms talk about their babies ALL the time. We all do it. And we know how frustrating it can become for those without children, we didn’t understand what “the big deal” was talking so much about them (we were there once). Now that we are Moms, and our every breath and movement, thought and action involves our little ones. It would seem that we have nothing else to talk about. But the truth is, we do, we just prefer to talk babies, because we love them so much and we are so pleased at their developement.

    Yes, it hurts when people don’t want to respond to you, or ‘de-friend’ you but such is life. And we can’t sit and mope about it…giggle yes. But we have to move forward. If someone doesn’t want to be your friend for a reason…then so be it. Season, Reason or Lifetime??? You’ve said it so many times.

    April 6, 2010 at 1:44 pm
  • Reply Marion

    I’m still reading your blog! Commenting is just hard, because I’m not a mommy and I can’t really relate! But I still love reading about your happy family!

    April 6, 2010 at 3:03 pm
  • Reply Jahni

    I think if you struggled for any length of time, it brings its challenges when you finally hold that baby: For instance, I feel doubly guilty when I get irritated with N. As for losing friendships, well, I’ve been banned on FB! Beat that, sucker! 😉

    April 6, 2010 at 3:24 pm
  • Reply Jahni

    Ugh, I mean BLOCKED on FB. Evidently my brain did turn into mush…

    April 6, 2010 at 3:27 pm
  • Reply Partners In Crime

    I can relate.

    I’ve made so many fantastic friends through dealing with IF (one of the only good things about it). But now that I’m on the other side, some of those friendships have fallen away. I don’t blame them because I am guilty of doing the same with others.

    I class parenting after IF as being in Limboland. You don’t feel like you belong with those fertile Mums, but you can’t go back because you don’t fit in there any more either.

    April 6, 2010 at 3:42 pm
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