Am I the only one who has done this? Who has managed to partition her life into two distinct sections, the pre-infertility veteran me and the post infertility veteran me? Because post infertility veteran me is so battered and so bruised the she can no longer be pre-infertility veteran me. She can no longer bare to even think about pre-infertility veteran me and more importantly she cannot be friends who pre-infertility veteran friends.
And let me tell you, its taken a lot of effort and work to create post infertility veteran me. The guillotine slammed down on pre infertility veteran me at the exact moment that I lost my 6th baby. I changed forever, I became to fragile, too broken to ever go back and I systematically cut myselfoff from everything and everyone that had anything to do with the pre-infertility veteran me. Self preservation was my number 1 motivating factor. And I went about systematicallydistancing myself from my old life. As a result for about a year, W and I were extremely lonely, we went no where, we did very little and we had no friends to socialize with, it was always just the two of us. It was lonely and it was depressing, but it also provided me witha safe secretive world to play out my treatment obsession without having to explain or answer stupid questions or see pity at each failure. For 8 months I did nothing but obsess about money, about my next treatment about the 2wwfrom each round of treatment. It was awful and it was no way to live and at the end of it I was so ill I was convinced I was dying. It took about 5 months to fully recover from the 8 months of fertility treatment abuse that I subjected myself to. Somehow I also slowly slowly started creating a new life, creating new friendships and we started having some balance in our lives again.
I worked hard on the transformation, all the time blocking out thoughts of my old life, of my old friends. Till today.
One of them has requested to be my friend on Facebook. I don’t know if I should accept the request, I’m too afraid to, I’m too afraid of opening Pandora’s Box and having to deal with all the pain from previously that I”vemanaged to bury so deep inside that most of the time I don’t even know its there anymore. I looked at her friends list, they’re all there, every single one of them, every single person that we were friends withbefore, all of them with pregnant bellies, smiling babies and toddlers, it brought the pain rushing back. I don’t know if I can accept this friend request, I don’t know if I havethe courage and the strength to let any of them back into my life. I don’t want to. Someof the relationships simply fizzled out when I stopped making an effort, some of the relationships ended cruelly and with so much pain on my part, especially from the two “friends” who told me to get over myself after my 6thmiscarriage when they were both pregnant. I also don’t want to accept her friend request because I don’t want them to know anything about me, I wish I could erase my memory from their mind. I don’t want them to know anything about my life, I don’t want them to pity me, poor pathetic me that still has not been able to have a baby. They will pity me, I was always the eldest out of all of us, and W and I were first to be married, we all attended each others weddings, we’re the only couple who still don’t have a child. I know its ridiculous, but I feel so ashamed of that fact.
But, I also realize that the little safe world I’ve created for myself now is not a realistic world, because people change, because our lives change, because in a few months we will be heading off to NZ or because its only a matter of time before my infertile friends start to have success with treatment and become like them. Friends who unintentionally rub their pregnant bellies or spend hours talking about their babies, friends who unintentionally hurt be because I cannot relate and because I cannot contribute.
I didn’t realize that having this friend contact me would bring up so much emotion in me. I’ve worked to hard on not being sad anymore and this just seems to have brought all the sadness rushing back at me and my first instinct is to push it back down inside me, but I know sooner or later its going to have to come out and I’m not looking forward to the mess that that will be.