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On Biting & Being A Sissie!

Parenting is not for sissies! And there are elements of parenting that I find harder to deal with now that Ava is getting older. Sure, the early new born days of sleep deprivation & colic were tough but there was an element of control to to them. The things I struggle with now are often outside of the bounds of my control and I find that very very difficult to deal with.  I can imagine that this is only going to get worse as Ava gets older.

A few months ago, I shared on my blog that Ava was bitten by one of the little boys in her class. I was very upset about it at the time but it was an isolated incident and behavior not completely uncommon for this age group so I tried not to dwell on it too much, something which proved difficult to do because Ava seemed quite traumatized by it. She spent weeks after the incident biting herself and repeating *insert biters name* bite you, bite you. It seemed to take a long time for her to recover from the emotional trauma of the incident.

Well yesterday it happened again, same biter, this time a nice bite mark on Ava’s shoulder. We happened to be at her school a little while after the incident for a little concert and to be honest I was very upset by how Ava seemed to have been affected. She wouldn’t participate in the concert, was tearful  and quite needy and at the end of it Walter and I debated whether or not to leaver her at school or to take her home for the day, she was THAT upset.

We opted to leave her at school and see how she coped for the remainder of the day because we didn’t want her to miss out on bakers day, which she loves. It seemed we made the right choice.

We have again reverted back to self biting & repeating bite you bite you since the second incident. The school have been great with their handling of the second incident and of course, as with the last time, I feel really bad for the mom of the biter, it seriously cannot be nice to receive that kind of feedback from your child’s school, add to that, we Mom’s always have something to feel guilty about and I’m quite sure that Mommy is feeling pretty damn rotten about it.

Of course, I have feelings of guilt too because I cannot protect Ava from these types of incidents, I wish I could but I simply can’t. She will go through life meeting people she doesn’t like, bullies and meanies and she’s going to have to learn how to stand up for herself. The school has encouraged us to do some roll playing with her, I started tonight with an Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy puppet show, to teach her how to respond appropriately, with a good strong push and shouting NO!

I know people’s responses to these incidents vary but I will not, as some have suggest encourage Ava to bite back, nor will I allow Walter to bite the child either, as he has suggested he do, semi-jokingly of course! Some have also suggested that the biter should be removed from the school but again, I’m just not really sure I see how that would be helpful. Of course, it would mean no one got bitten but what would be the lesson for the child doing the biting? And if this child was removed, what would happen the next time Ava encountered a bully or a biter? She also needs to learn to stand up for herself, as harsh as that may sound, its the simple truth. She won’t have me with her every second of every day for the rest of her life having the people who hurt her simply removed from her life either.

I think the thing that makes me feel the most guilty is that Ava has already suffered a grief/trauma in her young life that most of us will never know. She has been through the grieving of separation from her birth mother and that has already caused her trauma. She knows a grief so intense and from so young there were no words or ways for her to communicate her grief. And I do feel that that experience has, on some levels made her more vulnerable and sensitive to emotional situations. That has already, on some levels, shaped who she is as a person and how she responds to others. I wish I could protect her from any further trauma but I simply can’t.

I keep thinking back to how I was as a child, timid, sensitive & frightened, never able to stand up for myself and that is the one thing I had wished to avoid for Ava. For now, I suppose all we can do for Ava is teach her how best to protect and defend herself again bullies & biters.

Since becoming a mother, I have become infinitely aware of how every experience that Ava has, whether positive or negative, will shape who she is as a person and how she conducts herself in the world. I wish I could protect her from more of the negative experiences she’s bound to have…..

But a balloon, a hat and a Cream Soda from the Spur was all it took to lift her little spirits.

But seriously, Ava’s emotions aside, I am drained after all the worrying, self flagellation and guilt of today – parenting: it’s seriously NOT for sissies!

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10 Comments

  • Reply Charlotte

    Sharon, Lorelai gets bitten often as school by Kyle and she bites back, I do not encourage the situation but it is out of my control. The day mom has tried to separate the 2 and then they cry that they want to play together and then they hit and bite each other. Hannes also wants to invite him to Lorelai’s birthday party so that he could bite him. lol

    November 25, 2011 at 8:41 am
  • Reply Sian

    I agree on the not biting back. My gran was a school teacher and she also discouraged it as a solution. She used to say, ‘All that biting back does is teach the child that human’s bite’. I feel for Ava, you and Walter, the biter and the biters parents. It can’t be pleasant for either party.

    November 25, 2011 at 10:15 am
  • Reply Gwen

    Sorry to hear that this is happening again. I think you’re handling it the right way. I believe that the correct way to bullyproof your child is to teach them social and emotional skills, not aggressive behaviour. Children who know how to make friends and respond to the emotional cues of other children (including those that are less well-adjusted) are less likely to be bullied. And of course when children are emotionally secure they are less likely to take the bullying to heart.

    November 25, 2011 at 10:19 am
  • Reply Lea White

    Parenting is most definitely NOT for sissies!

    November 25, 2011 at 10:19 am
  • Reply Jenny

    Good response! Can I come to your house and bite upsadaisy cos I think she’s weird…;)

    November 25, 2011 at 10:45 am
  • Reply mommygosleepynow

    It’s difficult for the parents on either side. Sometimes parenting is a minefield and so very confusing!

    November 25, 2011 at 11:28 am
  • Reply Laura

    I think the way you are advising her to deal with it is the right way.

    It cant be nice being that mom but I do hope they figure something out so he stops doing it.

    You are doing a great job and they have to learn these lessons – it is good for them 🙂

    November 25, 2011 at 2:18 pm
  • Reply Robyn

    My child was the BITER! We were called into the school, we had to sign forms, we were offered “counselling” on how to deal with a biter. It was AWFUL and EMBARRASSING! I still have no idea where or how Liam learned to bite and thank goodness it’s never happened again. He has never tried to bite his little sister, so I am not sure if it was an isolated incident or if he felt “threatened” and reacted in this way. He nodded and agreed with me 100% that biting was wrong, that it was never ever acceptable and he could offer me no explanation as to why he had bitten his playmate, and that was as far as his “counselling” went… its hard to discipline hours after the event, especially when your kid is in total agreement with you, that what he did was wrong. Parenting is most definitely not for sissies! Hope Ava feels better xxx

    November 25, 2011 at 3:16 pm
  • Reply darylfaure

    You are so right Sharon – parenting does get harder, the older they get, and I’m sorry you and Ava have to deal with this situation. It can’t be easy, and I don’t think there is any quick and easy solution, and you are following the right path. I hope it doesn’t happen again.
    I just love the photo of her with her baking. Her face seems to have matured so much in the last few weeks. You are fast losing your little toddler, and she is turning into a beautiful little girl.
    How is the potty training going, and how did the night away go?

    November 26, 2011 at 8:00 pm
  • Reply Bye bye naughty corner « Harassed Mom

    […] happens in a case like Sharon had? What is the teacher allowed to do to a child who bites another child? I accept that he may not […]

    December 1, 2011 at 12:58 pm
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