Our Birth Mom

Posted in Adoption Option by

When we met with our SW last week for a chat and a catch up, I also got an opportunity to inquire about the well being of our BM. It had been sometime since we’d had any communication from her, in fact, the last communication received was on father’s day when she sent an sms, via our SW, to wish him for fathers day.

I was surprised that we hadn’t heard from her on Ava’s birthday. I had expected a message from her and I had sent her a message, via our SW, letting her know how we were thinking of her that day. I hadn’t heard anything in return and at the time I took it as a sign that perhaps she was slowly finding her way back to her life and perhaps she was getting some closure on what I can only imagine must have been an incredibly painful year.

I wasn’t expecting the feedback we got from our SW. And I’m not really sure why I was so surprised by the feedback we have received. But I was, I still am, I cannot imagine it, I don’t know how she’s doing it, I don’t know where she has found the courage or the strength, but our BM has not requested to view any photo’s of Ava or to receive any of the updates that I have diligently been sending, every month, for the last 4 – 6 months!

I have such conflicted feelings about this and I’m confused by why I feel this way. This is an answer to prayer, it is what I’d hoped and prayed for for her. That she’d somehow, someway, someday, find the courage and the strength to move on with her life. To move forward and find happiness and not be held back by chains of sadness over the child she’d given up.

She has let go of us, but somehow, I am still clinging to her, to the gift she gave us, to her totally unselfish act of love that she gave her child. I think I will always cling to the memory of her. But she has let go of us and now it is time for me to let go of her…

 

 

 

January 13, 2011
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11 Comments

  • Reply lea2109

    I don’t think I’m surprised with her decision to “let go”. You should take comfort in that she must feel her decision was the right one, but also that in her mind Ava is your child and I’m sure she must appreciate your willingness to keep her included, I think it must be a bit hard, so “letting go” must also be easier for her.

    I’m also not surprised by the way you are feeling. Here is this woman who made a dream come true. A woman who offered the miracle you’ve been praying for, a woman who in an instant changed your lives completely in a way that few can truly comprehend.

    But yes, perhaps now that Ava is a year old and it is a brand new year, it is time for you also to “let go” and embrace all that motherhood with Ava brings. You have so many wonderful milestones to look forward to and you know that the birth mother will always know that if she is ever wondering how Ava is doing, she can ask your SW and you will happily provide updates and photos.

    January 13, 2011 at 6:29 am
  • Reply catluvagp

    You are both very brave women.

    January 13, 2011 at 8:33 am
  • Reply tzipieastwest

    I second that.
    Be strong,
    Sophie

    January 13, 2011 at 9:32 am
  • Reply waiting4amiracle

    Moving on is healthy and I hope that this is the case. Such a brave women. It must be so so difficult.

    January 13, 2011 at 9:52 am
  • Reply To Love Bella

    Shazzles – I think that we will always hold a candle to our BM’s. No matter what they ultimately decide to do. Our BM was ‘detached’ from the very beginning and it took our Great WM to finally convince her to actually say goodbye to Bella and to meet us. I have also been sending photo’s and updates to WM on a monthly basis and always include a note to our BM, but I don’t know whether our BM has requested any information or pictures. I think that she may have at the beginning, but I’m not sure anymore. I like to think that she DOES still think of us.
    And I’m sure your BM does too. It’s not something they will ever forget about; even though they are trying their utmost to move on with their own lives. I have no doubt that she would’ve had you in her thoughts especially on Ava-Grace’s birthday.

    January 13, 2011 at 11:38 am
  • Reply aussiekim

    Ditto what lea2109 said~!

    Hugs
    xxx

    January 13, 2011 at 2:17 pm
  • Reply livinglifelarge

    I can only imagine that it cant be easy for either you or your BM! I dont think she will ever forget the child she birthed, just as you will never forget the woman that birthed your child..
    Hugs!

    January 13, 2011 at 4:49 pm
  • Reply Jessica Emilia

    I think the birth mom is looking to move on and perhaps even allow you to continue to move on as the family you have become with Ava. She might feel that inquiring may in some way hinder the family you have become.
    Ava is indeed a marvelous gift and the fact that you fully understand that and understand the loss that the birth mom is enduring says so much about you.

    I must say that day in and day out with my own daughter I have come to fully appreciate that the *real* parent is the one that worries and takes temperatures and cleans dirty diapers and dirty noses. The one that knows that precious child inside and out. I think the birth mom is fully aware of that and is trying to forge a life accepting that you have the uniquely priviledge of doing all this. She may just be taking a back seat for a time and may in the future when she is feeling secure inquire.
    I’ve said a whole lot only to ultimately say that distance is healthy.

    January 13, 2011 at 6:34 pm
  • Reply pandoragelb

    I assume it is easier to move on without contact once they are at peace with their decision. I would imagine they never forget, but at the same time don’t want it to be a daily reality anymore. We will never forget them though, and I hope one day I can thank our BM in person for her most awesome gift to us.

    January 13, 2011 at 7:53 pm
  • Reply Mash

    My sense is that this is almost a temporary thing from her side. It’s kind of like breaking up with a boyfriend, you need to cut the ties properly before you can reach a stage where you run into them in the supermarket and feel totally comfortable and relaxed about seeing them (because you have moved on with your life and come to terms with the truth). Of course it’s WAY bigger than that, but just as an analogy.

    Please can you send me Wilna’s number for my tenant’s daughter who is looking into giving up her child for adoption. The number I gave her that I found on FC seems to be wrong.

    January 14, 2011 at 11:05 am
    • Reply Mash

      PS I know you have sent it before… it’s “somewhere” on my PC at home! Sorry!

      January 14, 2011 at 11:05 am

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