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Perfect Timing!

I’ve spent the better part of a decade hating Murphy because his law always applied to me. When I had a miscarriage, guaranteed somebody close to me would find out they were pregnant just as I’d start bleeding from the miscarriage. If I was pregnant, somebody close to me would find out they too were pregnant and within days of their news I’d start to bleed. If I was having an IVF or battling through a failed IVF or failed attempt (IUI, Timed, Stimmed, whatever) then guaranteed someone close to me would always find out that they were pregnant and somehow I always just knew that I could trust that Murphy’s law would prevail.

As an example, my SIL fell pregnant, accidentally, with her partner who she’d been seeing for 6 weeks because they never used birth control ‘cos he said he suspected he was sterile from Mumps as a child, that was 3 weeks after my first, most crushing and most devastating miscarriage. Going through her pregnancy while dealing with the fall out of my miscarriage was hard. It was excruciatingly painful to spend Sunday family lunches ooh’ing and aah’ing over her growing belly, talking about baby stuff and listening to all the plans. I kept a stiff upper lip, I held it together but I cried great big silent tears that would slide heavily down my cheeks and make wet patches on my shirts in the car on the way home after every one of those days.

I hosted her baby shower, three weeks before her baby shower date, I found out I was pregnant again, what followed was almost two weeks of on and off bed rest because of unexplained spotting. Two days before her baby shower my miscarriage was confirmed. But I kept it together, I kept a stiff upper lip and did the very best I could. I hosted her baby shower with a smile plastered on my face while I tried not to double over from severe miscarriage cramping.

A few months  after I’d had my 6th miscarriage and reeling from our first failed IVF, Walter and I went away on holiday to my family in the Cape, we went to my parents holiday home on the West Coast at Langebaan. It was supposed to be a time of healing, a time of reflection and a time for rebuilding strength that my 6 miscarriage and first failed IVF had sucked out of me. Four days into the holiday we received a call that would crush what little strength I had started to rebuild. My SIL phoning to tell us we were going to be Aunties and Uncles for a second time.  My second nephew was born on the one year anniversary of my 6th miscarriage, 22nd November.

This is just an example of what has transpired along my IF journey, there are loads of examples like this which I could share. Where time and time again, just when I thought things couldn’t get any harder, something would happen that would push me even further into the deep, dark pit of despair.

The one “bullet” I have managed, by God’s mercy, to dodge is pregnant colleagues. I work for a small company, we are all of 16 employee’s and up until very recently, it was very male dominated with only a handful of women, of which all had either had children or were past the child-bearing age.  Until the beginning of last year when two female colleagues joined the company. Neither one of them married, both of them in the region of 30, both of them in serious relationships. As my IVF in March last year failed, they both got engaged and set wedding dates, one for November 2009 and one for February 2010 and I knew… I just knew… I was in big big trouble.

I knew what was coming, I knew that it was only a matter of time before suddenly champagne wasn’t sipped in the boardroom, before bellies started to grow and before I would be surrounded ( I work closely with both these women, we share an office) I would be literally surrounded by pregnancy and pregnant bellies and baby talk and baby plans and I was frantic. It was one thing to hold it together, to keep my emotions in check with family or friends when visiting once a week or once every couple of weeks. But how was I going to survive this? How was I going to come to work every single day and be faced with my lack of fertility, every day, 5 days a week for the bulk of the day?

But somehow God, in His greatness and mercy, stepped in and saved me from my worst nightmare.

When I cam back from maternity leave, I noticed that the female colleague who’d gotten married in November was looking decidedly chubby, shortly after that she announced her pregnancy, she’s expecting a girl and she’s being born in November.  Of course, having spent so many years longing for a child, I’m super in tune to all things pregnancy related and had noticed that my other female colleague, the one who got married in February, was also starting to behave decidedly pregnant. No champagne in the boardroom. No cups of coffee, no more traveling and then last week I saw it, I saw her stand at her desk and unconsciously rub her belly and I noticed the very early start of a baby bump. She’s since told me that although she hasn’t announced it yet, she is in fact pregnant and just past the 12 week mark.

Thank you God for small mercies, thank you God that my beautiful miracle child has saved me from what would have been unbearably painful for me to be faced with every day. Now instead, they come to me to ask for advice on baby goodies, on sleep routines on all things baby related. I can participate and fully enjoy their pregnancies without being so horribly aware of my own barrenness.

I’m so grateful for this small mercy!

I know this posting must make me sound like a horrible, bitter infertile but I just want to categorically state that I’m not one of those who feels that nobody else should be allowed to have a baby because I can’t, or that others weren’t allowed to rejoice in their blessings cos I couldn’t have what they had but just because I’m happy for others doesn’t mean I can live vicariously through them without being deeply affected by my own loss, pain and despair.

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15 Comments

  • Reply TJ

    Sharon, I’m so happy for you that you can walk into the office and stand strong without having to fall to pieces on the inside. You truly are blessed!

    August 4, 2010 at 9:37 am
  • Reply skrambled

    This is another reason why I am turning away from treatment and looking forward towards adoption. I feel that there are much better odds this way, treatment made me feel a lot emptier. Granted, I am less than a month into my adoption journey, but I still feel more peaceful about it.

    I’m so glad that you can enjoy this. You have so much to celebrate!

    August 4, 2010 at 9:47 am
  • Reply aussiekim

    Sharon I so know how you feel…to finally be part of “The Club” when I had Brenton was so damn sweet~!

    August 4, 2010 at 10:03 am
  • Reply vroutjie

    I went through that – in fact 4 of my fellow colleagues where pregnant slap bang in the middle of all of my IVF’s over the years. Some also corresponded with my negative results and two of them had twins!! Natural twins!! Bloody hell!

    August 4, 2010 at 11:19 am
  • Reply coachmarcia

    God is good!

    I had that one year… it was HELL (I called her Ungrateful Pregnant Woman on my blog :)) because she moaned and groaned the entire pregnancy.

    And guess what? She’s pregnant AGAIN. Surprise! (I mean really, if you’re fertile and you have sex, you will fall pregnant)

    It’s not as hard this year but my heart still gets sore thinking of all of us…..

    August 4, 2010 at 11:31 am
  • Reply theresak80

    Wow. I feel exactly like that (the “before Ava” bit). I am very in tune with all things pregnancy related and can spot them a mile away…And I agree, it’s not we can’t be happy for them, we are, or I am, but it’s just so unbearably painful to be left behind.

    August 4, 2010 at 11:55 am
  • Reply marina1605

    Oh Sharon, even though I haven’t been through as much as you, I can so relate to some of your feelings “pre-Ava”. I work in an office with 24 women and 2 men. And they are all of child-bearing age, minus 3 or 4 of them. So I lived with the dread every single day that one or more of them would fall pregnant before me. And someone I worked closely with, but not for the same company, was also struggling to fall pregnant and was also having miscarriages like me and although we offered each other support, I often feared that she would fall pregnant before me. BUT you know what? We fell pregnant at exactly the same time. Our babies were born a week apart. And that’s not all. One of the women in my office also fell pregnant at the same time as me. Our babies were born 2 days apart. And there’s more. Whilst I was on maternity leave, one of the other women in my office fell pregnant with her 3rd child. I am forever grateful that I was spared the pain of having to face these pregnancies without being pregnant myself. It would’ve broken me.

    August 4, 2010 at 1:57 pm
  • Reply suestuart

    In the midst of our pain we think sometimes that God has forgotten us, yet the Word says His mercies are new every morning. It’s often very difficult for us to see that though, but when finally we do, oh what a blessing! Thank You God for revealing Your mercy to us!

    August 4, 2010 at 2:00 pm
  • Reply mrssee2

    Really enjoyed your post as I sit here at work, 2 colleagues have just had kids and one is about to pop. One is getting married in September and already talking kids.

    I am the odd ‘man’ out.

    What bugs me most is that they are so blaze about getting pregnant. But I am happy for them.

    I am so pleased your colleagues are now joining your club!!

    August 4, 2010 at 2:37 pm
  • Reply jonivdw

    Hey Shaz

    I totally agree! A big secret which no one is allowed to share is that my sister phoned me a month ago to tell me she was 8 weeks preggers (it has been touch and go so we’re not saying anything until she is 16 weeks), I was upset for a day as I was in the middle of another chemical preg. But when I got home I realised it very weirdly didn’t really bother me that much cause Adam is all I ever wanted!!!!

    August 4, 2010 at 2:37 pm
  • Reply little29

    oooooh I can so relate to your “pre Ava” experience. I dreaded office pregnancies and could spot a pregnant colleague a mile away – i was so tuned in to those who mentioned they were looking for panado only coz they had a headache, those who suddenly wore loose fitting clothes – i could sniff them out like a blood hound!! I even remember trying to convince my best friend to wait before she tries for her second child telling her the age gap would be to short etc terrified she would fall pregnant with her second before i even had a chance to have my first after trying for soooo many years! Yip It sure can be really hard to cope and I agree God is a merciful God thats for sure!!

    August 4, 2010 at 3:48 pm
  • Reply charminka

    Everything happened for a reason! xoxoxox

    August 4, 2010 at 3:49 pm
  • Reply gailsnail

    Funny, Greg from Makro was telling me on Monday that his key accounts manaager from MR had recently got married and was pregnant.

    August 4, 2010 at 8:37 pm
  • Reply pandoragelb

    I felt really sad when my sister said she did not want to tell me she was pregnant with her 3rd child, as she was afraid I would be hurt. My sisters fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, but I was always happy for them. It was enough to know they cared about how I felt. By some luck I never had to deal with pregnant colleagues. But when we adopted, my colleagues were so exited, as there hadn’t been a baby for ages, now 14 months later, there are 5 babies in a department of 30 people!! (in 3 cases the dads work there)

    August 5, 2010 at 9:04 pm
  • Reply orbit365

    Beautiful story of God’s mercy and grace. Thank you so much for sharing. I keep on forgetting just how perfect God’s timing is. Thank you for reminding me..x

    Julia

    August 7, 2010 at 3:04 pm
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