We had to fish out one of Walter’s old cell phones this past week after his 40th birthday party…. adults at a party, with tequila and a pool… it’s not safe for your cell phones really. So we scratched through our stash of old phones for one that was workable as an interim solution. While running software updates on it, the old phone that hasn’t been touched in 3 years, downloaded a bunch of photo’s and video’s we haven’t seen in ages.
What a trip down memory lane, so many beautiful memories, some not so good ones, but more on the bad ones another day.
But this one particular video stopped me in my tracks. It caused a physical pain in my heart and the tears to well in my eyes:
Look how little she was! Look how cute she was! Look how sweet she was! Watching that video physically hurt. That time is gone and it’s never coming back.
Every cliché ran through my mind while watching that video. My transition to motherhood was so very very hard, not that its ever easy for anyone, but I had the additional factors of my long infertility journey and recurrent pregnancy losses prior to Ava’s adoption. Then there was her adoption, which happened so incredibly fast and of course just dealing with all things adoption related while having a newborn baby and being a first time mom battling with post adoption depression was so hard. And there were so many times when I felt overwhelmed and smothered by what I was dealing with and I kept telling myself it would get easier, that each step was just a phase and it would pass. The colic and sleepless nights and terrible two’s, my mantra was always… this too shall pass… this too shall pass.
Then I watched that video last night and I realized. It did pass. It passed too quickly and I’m never going to have that sweet little baby girl ever again. She will only ever exist in my memory, she’s gone. And while that is the nature of life and I get to enjoy a totally adorable, sweet, soft, feisty and cheeky little girl now, that sweet baby girl is gone forever and it breaks my damn heart.
It’s so easy to say we should not wish time away, the reality is often quite different and I think it’s human nature to a certain extent, to wish for time to pass and to not be fully present in the here and now. I look back at those beautiful memories and I have regrets. I want to go back. I want to experience it all over again, the beauty and emotions of Ava’s placement and Hannah’s placement. I want to experience the precious moments and the super tough moments all over again. I want to immerse myself in them and not wish them away, not let them slip through my fingers while I look ahead at what’s still to come, I just want to be. Be there. In that moment, with my squalling, colicky new born baby. I want to hold her and rock her and cuddle her and breathe her in, because in hindsight I know now, she will be gone too soon.
Funny how life works hey?