Reinvention

Faceless_Composition_by_larafairie Infertility, recurrent miscarriage, IVF! All of these things have been apart of my life for so long that changing gears and removing them from my life is proving to be a very difficult task. I don’t know who I am anymore without those things. Life without treatment is daunting to face. This is a huge decision, only those that have been forced to make it can truly imagine the magnitude. Its a bit deal, its something I’m going to have to work very very hard at.

Who am I without it? I don’t know! I have to figure that out. Identify who the new me is and get comfortable with her, find my new normal and start living it. Its a very odd place to be. To be sure, I have peace over my decision to stop treatment. I feel completely calm about it. The thought of trying again, of another IVF, of another pregnancy fills me with such dread and anxiety. Having said that, watching from the sidelines while my friends still continue to cycle is extremely difficult.  I feel so dried up/used up/tired/spent that I feel I have nothing left to offer my friends in terms of support. Listening to talk of treatment is difficult, I have no words of comfort or encouragement and I feel guilty for that because these are the same friends that were cheering me all along the way, I hope my friends will forgive me for this.

I had a long discussion about this exact topic with my friend, my very wise friend, my friend who has also quit the treatment roller coaster and is CTT. She gave me some encouragement, told me she’d felt the same way when they first decided to stop with treatment. She hit the nail on the head when she said that  for a while I will be a complete non entity to every one who knows me, that I wouldn’t be able to offer support, that it was difficult to say hopeful things when I had so little hope myself. And I guess that’s true. How else do you cope when all hope is gone? And my hope for treatment success is gone. Finished, dried up and evaporated, disappeared and that may even be for good, its been replaced by a different kind of hope.

All I know is that one day, when I’m an old woman, I will look at the decade of my life that was spent pursuing motherhood and I will be sad. I have spent the best part of a decade hurting, being sad, hoping and having my hopes dashed. Its not what I wanted my 30’s to be.

So now I need to find my new normal, I need to find my new me. Who am I? What is my life about post TTC? Who are W & I post TTC? As individuals and as a couple? What does our future hold? What are our hopes and dreams? What do we hope to achieve? Where do we hope to be in 10 years time? I don’t know the answer to these questions.  But I guess now is the time to start exploring these questions and trying to find the answers.

Its time for reinvention.

November 5, 2009
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14 Comments

  • Reply SassyCupcakes

    I hear you. It’s hard to walk away as a veteran, into a new world where you’re a newbie still finding her feet.

    The opportunity for reinvention is so awesome, terrifying and overwhelming. There aren’t many opportunities for you to recreate yourself. It is fun though, and it does get easier as you find your place again.

    November 5, 2009 at 5:32 am
  • Reply Kristin

    I wish I could do something to help. I can’t even fathom being in your shoes.

    November 5, 2009 at 6:05 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I can’t ever imagine being in your shoes. But I will always admire you! I will pray for strength, comfort and peace of mind as you work towards finding yourself.

    November 5, 2009 at 7:19 am
  • Reply Gen

    Hey Shaz,

    You have hit the nail on the head for me !!!!! This is also how I felt, and the reason why I became so distant, i hope you forgive me?

    I just eventually became so tired of heart ache and false hope, I wanted to run away from every aspect of my life, my stomach turns at the thought of having a scan or a blood test.

    Im so tired of heart break…….

    Good luck and thinking of you

    November 5, 2009 at 7:52 am
  • Reply Elize

    To new beginnings my friend. For the both of us! Thinking of you always, as always.

    November 5, 2009 at 8:36 am
  • Reply Abs

    New decisions and changes are frightening but they can also be very exciting my friend. It is possible to turn chaos and turmoil into a new beginning and I just know that you will do it. Endless possibilities exist for all of us Shaz and I know that the next phase of your life is going to be a much happier place for you and W. I know it in my heart and it feels right. My hope for you is that soon you will start to feel that excitment for all that could be and most of all I hope you find the peace of mind that has been elusive for so long. xxxx

    November 5, 2009 at 8:57 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    Thinking of you x-x

    November 5, 2009 at 9:23 am
  • Reply Rach

    It’s strange that you blogged about this. I’m going to blog about something very similar later.

    I have been asked countless times the past few days “how are you going” and I haven’t been able to answer…because I don’t know, I’m in this limbo land and it’s dreadfully horrible.

    As the Pantene advert says, it won’t happen overnight but it will happen, you just need to take it one day at a time.

    xxxx

    November 5, 2009 at 11:09 am
  • Reply Denise

    its so funny how we define ourselves by our IF – hopefully you will find a new and positive way to define yourself and fill the gap of IF. I remember someone else blogging something similar when she adopted and no longer felt like she fitted with the IF community – I suppose you need a grieving period because IF has been both the thorn in your side and at the same time gave you amazing friends and support that you might never otherwise have had.

    Good luck!

    November 5, 2009 at 2:56 pm
  • Reply Sian

    I can only imagine how difficult the change will be, but ultimately it will bring happiness…..It must!

    November 5, 2009 at 3:04 pm
  • Reply sassy

    It’s so hard to read those words… but I think you are strong. I am so impressed at the way you are so open in dealing with this. Thank you for sharing.

    I really believe that those lost years are pouring wisdom into you. I’m so sorry, still, somehow, I think you are going to make the road ahead a very interesting and worthwhile one…

    November 5, 2009 at 3:06 pm
  • Reply SCY

    You can do it. Make no mistake about that.

    xxx

    November 5, 2009 at 4:01 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    That old cliche is true: change is the only constant. Well done for looking forwards. good days and bad – that’s how we roll. xxx

    November 5, 2009 at 5:13 pm
  • Reply loribeth

    This is a wonderful post, Sharon — the sadness of leaving such a huge part of your life behind, mingled with the hope that there’s still a good life waiting out there for you. There IS, & I know that somehow, someday, you will find it. (((hugs)))

    November 5, 2009 at 6:28 pm
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