This is a post I’ve been thinking about for a while. It’s not been an easy post to write, mostly because it’s not been an easy topic to own up to. But I have, for the most part accepted and forgiven myself and have asked some of the others from my past to forgive me to. So here it is:
I realize now that I’m no longer blinded by the pain of my infertility, that in the 7 odd years it took to get to where I am now, I was not a very nice person. I would never in a million years have been able to own up to this if Ava hadn’t come into my life and opened my eyes and shown me things I never/refused to see before. I would have cut you out of my life in an instant if you’d even dared to tell me I was any of these things. I behaved, at times, in a nasty way, to the point where I’ve contacted certain people to apologize now.
I would imagine it is the nature of pain and/or grief to behave in this manner, I can’t bear to think that it’s because I’m naturally any of these traits, but rather that I displayed these traits because of my pain and grief. I’ve had a taste of my own medicine, on my old blog, with some of the truly spiteful comments, of which I gave you a small taster a couple of weeks ago. I’ve seen my own poor behaviour reflected back at me by these comments and commentators. I like to think I wasn’t as blatantly nasty just that I played the victim in it all to my advantage.
I realize that in the past 7 odd years, that there were times when I was overcome by bitterness, I was jealous, I was not very good at feeling or expressing joy at others good fortune, mostly because I was so self-absorbed. I was so involved in my own pain, in my own desires that at times, I stopped caring about the needs and the desires of those around me, all I could think was what about me, what about my pain.
These are not easy things to own up to, but I’ve always believed that once you can name it, you can claim it and go about, trying at least, to make things right. I’m not perfect and I suppose I did the best that I could at the time. But it feels good to be able to recognize these things and to set myself free of them.
And then today, Kim sent me an email containing a fable, she sent it to me saying it had reminded her of the nasty comments I’d recieved on the old blog. When I read the fable I realized that it reminded me of me! The infertile me.
So here it is:
The Fox And The GrapesOne hot summer’s day a Fox was strolling through an orchard till he came to a bunch of Grapes just ripening on a vine which had been trained over a lofty branch. “Just the thing to quench my thirst,” quoth he. Drawing back a few paces, he took a run and a jump, and just missed the bunch. Turning round again with a One, Two, Three, he jumped up, but with no greater success. Again and again he tried after the tempting morsel, but at last had to give it up, and walked away with his nose in the air, saying: “I am sure they are sour.”
It is easy to despise what you cannot get.
So there it is, layed bare, in all the ugly truth!