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Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem, Self-Value, Self-Belief – How To Build ME

I’ve been thinking about these ideas for sometime now. How outside influences can affect your self-esteem, your self-belief and your self-value & ultimately create self-doubt. 

I’ve been in an unhealthy relationship (metaphorically) for some years now. It’s a relationship that serves a purpose but, I’m realizing more and more everyday that it is also causing harm to me.

It has eroded my self-belief and my self-esteem. And I realize,  as a result, I have become distrustful of my own instincts and this in turn has made me fearful of living my life at 150%, of grabbing opportunities and living on the edge and I hate it because ultimately I’ve become a prisoner of my own devaluation. 

I find myself questioning my value. I find myself questioning my worth and what I bring to the table of talents and I find myself constantly lacking. This in turn makes me fearful to go out and get what I want, to grab opportunities that present themselves. In short, I feel like I have stopped fighting for myself. And I hate that! 

Self-esteem, as defined by standard measures, is a function of how we feel about ourselves—based mostly on comparison to others. It often has a hierarchical bias—we’re better than some, but not as good as others.

Self-value is more behavioral than emotional, more about how you act toward what you value, including yourself, than how you feel about yourself compared to others. It necessarily includes self-care.

So how do I go about building my own self worth? I was reading up on this, it may seem ridiculous that I took to Google to help me solve my issues surrounding self-worth & self-esteem and I found this great article – How To Build Self Worth

1. Understand the power of your attitude toward yourself.

This talks about not putting yourself down and I don’t really think it’s something I do openly but, yoh, my internal dialogue… if you could hear that. I really need to learn to change that, but it’s become such an ingrained habit of years of feeling marginalized and overlooked. And for me, this is the hardest point to follow through on. 

2. Learn to overcome a fear of self-love.

The article says that healthy self love is about being your own best friend. Again, I’m not even sure how to do that. Learning to  treat myself with the same care, tolerance, generosity, and compassion as I would treat a special friend. I think I’m a good friend. I’m just not necessarily the best friend to myself, I’m rather hard on myself and will berate myself much more harshly with my self-doubt than I ever would a friend.

3. Trust your own feelings.

Self-doubt has totally eroded my ability to trust my feelings and my instincts. I will so often find away to reason myself out of trusting my instincts and my feelings and constantly look at myself for being wrong and not the other way around. Even when shitty things happen, I will think I’ve done something to cause it. I so often self-blame or look for reasons to self-blame.

4. Analyze yourself.

I’m pretty good at this. As a self-confessed thinker…. I tend to analyze myself regularly, examining my handling and reaction to people and circumstances, but I’m not analyzing myself in a positive way, I’m always focusing on blaming myself and finding reasons why I deserved whatever may have happened and all of this comes back to the negative internal dialogue I have running.

Instead I need to learn to analyze myself to look for the positive things. What are my talents, what are my skills, what are my strengths, what I bring that is unique and special to a situation or circumstance. The problem is, self-doubt and negative internal dialogue have become such a habit for me that it’s almost always the first place my mind goes.

5. Stop making your self-worth conditional on other people.

In the unhealthy relationship I find myself in, I’ve realized that I am so guilty of following what other people’s expectations are, even though, in my heart of hearts, I don’t feel they’re seeing my real value and ability and that has caused me to doubt what I believe.

This really is something I’ve been thinking about for a while and grappling with. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that unless I make these positive changes in my life, I will continue to be plagued by self-doubt and I will never reach the full potential of who I can be. 

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8 Comments

  • Reply Cassey Toi

    This is something I struggle with so much. At some point I’m hoping therapy will help with that, although my therapist has moments of frustration with me where she says she wishes I’d give myself more credit. I think it’s something we have to be taught how to do it. And it’s something I’m doing my best to make sure K has in buckets.

    February 19, 2016 at 3:20 pm
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