Sell crazy some place else… we’re all stocked up here!

Last week I shared how 2015 has been a very unkind year to me and how I was really struggling to cope.

Then Monday happened and…. well let’s just say…. the break I’d been fearing…. it happened. I’m not even sure how or what caused it, mostly an accumulation of months and months of unending pressure and stress and bad luck and my sanity literally snapped. I lost the plot… I went nuts, I had a complete break with reality. My mind switched off. And shit got way way to scary and real. And I almost did something that would have had far reaching and devastating consequences.

The result…. I’ve been taking a hiatus from  everything and everyone. Pretty much from my life. It was that or get institutionalized. So on the advice of my doctor and the pleas of my husband, I unplugged from my life and took a break, a mental vacation if you will. I spent last week emotionally coming to terms with my little break down, visiting my doctor, where I was diagnosed with burnout and discovered that my depression was not being controlled by my meds, nor is my anxiety. That my body is in total shut down, unsurprisingly with a nicely timed bout of flu to go with my mental breakdown.

You guys, last Monday night…. it scared the crap out of me. I never imagined that a mental breakdown would feel so calm and controlled while my thoughts and actions were completely irrational and out of control.

I’ve spent the past week mentally reevaluating my life. What’s important and how to improve things for my mental well being because I simply cannot continue on this way, not if I want to live and thrive, not if I want to live my best life.

I go back to work tomorrow, I have to reemerge into the real world of a working Mom and I won’t lie, I’m already feeling anxious about it. And when I say anxious, I’m not talking about the type of anxious regular folk experience, I’m talking full blown anxiety of the medical variety. I’m armed with a plethora of new medications which include additional anti depressants and anti anxiety medications as well as a sleeping pill for the next couple of weeks. I haven’t been sleeping and have been running high on adrenaline and exhaustion for months now. My doctor reckons the sleeping pills will regulate my sleep patterns and if we can get me sleeping properly again, then my depression and anxiety will be more under control.

It’s been a scary and frankly, embarrassing time. I’ve really had to take stock and (wo)man up about changes that I need to make within my life to help me cope. I have to own the fact that up till now, my coping mechanisms were crap and not doing me any favors, drinking too much wine every night to unwind after the kids have gone to bed and to make myself suitably drowsy so I can fall asleep. Emotionally eating a bunch of crap is not helping my body cope either, it’s making my depression an anxiety worse.

Ironically, I’m not allowed to run for two weeks, I have one week still to go. Apparently running drains your adrenals and I’m already in adrenal shut down after months of living in fight or flight mode, my body just cannot produce adrenaline anymore and so I need to cut back on the running and switch to walking until that starts to normalize. It apparently also explains why I’m constantly dizzy and feeling flat all the time…. again, feeding right into my tendency towards depression.

So from tomorrow, shits going to change around here because we are full up on crazy. Because I deserve more, I deserve better, because my husband and my children deserve the very best me, not this pathetic, crying, shaking, mess that I’ve become. A shell of what I used to be.

As a side note, we went to the premier of The Little Prince today and this movie really hit home for me. I have become so wrapped up in adulting, in chasing the essential and forgetting the magical. In work and life and money and routines and pressure and just juggling a hundred balls and constantly dropping them for so long now that I’ve forgotten what’s important in life. I got so trapped in the rat race and what that means to us as adults that I forgot to just LIVE. Even in the moments when I thought I was living, I was stressing and worrying about the next deadline, the next task, my to do list, the never ending list of requirements that are placed on me (often by myself) at any given time. I’ve become so obsessed with being a great adult that I lost myself as a person.

Somethings got to give, and after Monday, it’s sure as hell is not going to be my sanity. So come on a journey with me as I slowly and painstakingly pull myself back from the edge of insanity and one moment as a time, try to bring myself back to my best life. My best me.

Sell Crazy

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14 Comments

  • Reply stephanie videira

    Hugs, just take one day at a time

    November 29, 2015 at 9:45 pm
  • Reply Andrea

    This made me teary Sharon, not only for your situation because I can relate on so many levels: “Even in the moments when I thought I was living, I was stressing and worrying about the next deadline, the next task, my to do list, the never ending list of requirements that are placed on me (often by myself) at any given time. I’ve become so obsessed with being a great adult that I lost myself as a person.” I feel like this is ME… Add “Bad Mom” to that list too… Sending you love and hugs xx

    November 29, 2015 at 10:01 pm
  • Reply Maz

    “I never imagined that a mental breakdown would feel so calm and controlled while my thoughts and actions were completely irrational and out of control.” – that really hit home for me. I am sorry you are going through this, I went through this a couple of years ago and nearly lost my life. Please know that this too shall pass – and I am only a phonecall or whatsapp away!!

    November 29, 2015 at 11:06 pm
  • Reply Cassey Toi

    Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg hugs.

    November 30, 2015 at 7:43 am
  • Reply Megan Kelly

    Hey hun, I am sorry it boiled down to this but am glad you’re tackling it with such motivation. Sending you so much love and light, this year has been a bitch to us all! x

    November 30, 2015 at 11:48 am
  • Reply Fertile Minds

    Lotsa Love my friend! xxxx

    November 30, 2015 at 12:44 pm
  • Reply ailsaloudon

    Good luck Sharon. Depression and anxiety are killers. Take care and (((hugs))).

    November 30, 2015 at 1:16 pm
  • Reply Nisey

    So typical of you to share the stuff we don’t like to talk about! The bits we hide away and don’t want the world to see, I’m sure its a long road ahead of you but your healing journey will no doubt inspire others around you.

    What about some yoga? Kundalini yoga (specifically rather than Hatha) can really tap into the real you and lead you on a discerning path. I know there are tons of awesome teachers in Jhb.

    November 30, 2015 at 2:47 pm
  • Reply South African Mom Blogs - November Roundup and Linky - South African Mom Blogs

    […] Please go and give  Sharon some support: Sell crazy some place else.. we’re all stocked up here! […]

    December 1, 2015 at 7:35 am
  • Reply Megan Kelly

    I read this post right after you hit publish and wanted to give you a huge hug. Thank you for being so open through your blog, it makes life seem a little more manageable when you realize everyone has their shit to face. I hope that 2016 gets better for you and that with the right help, you get back to where you want to be and soon.

    December 4, 2015 at 3:32 pm
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